Felix didn’t pull at me. He didn’t say I had to come out. He just squeezed my knee, gently, like he was holding the panic in place until it couldn’t spill everywhere.
“I’m here,” he said. Simple. No judgment, no questions. Just there.
I couldn’t stop shaking. My chest hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to make a noise, but the tears kept coming. Hot, sticky, running down my face and into the shirt. I wanted to disappear. I wanted time to rewind and for none of this to have happened.
He didn’t move. He just stayed, thumb rubbing slow circles into my knee, and let me fall apart. The darkness made it easier, but it also made it worse, because I couldn’t hide from him and I couldn’t make myself stop. I was a mess. I’d always been a mess.
When my breath finally slowed, I heard him shift, slow and careful. “You want me in there with you?” His voice was so gentle it cracked something in my chest.
I nodded, just a little. I couldn’t make the words work, but I wanted him close. If he left, I’d break.
He let out a breath, then slid right into the closet. It was ridiculous. He was so damn big he barely fit, his knees bumping mine, but he just folded himself in and settled next to me, pulling me into his arms.
Then waited while I fell apart some more.
I curled tighter, face pressed to the faded blue fabric. My voice was a wreck. “I’m sorry to be a problem,” I whispered.
“You’re not a problem, Clayton. Not to me.”
I closed my eyes. Let the words sink in.
“I’m going to bark at you. I’m too used to having subs after a brief negotiation about limits. I’m not used to dealing with long-term needs.”
I nodded miserably, wondering why he was even here.
He pressed a kiss in my hair. “That was me trying and failing to say I’m going to do better.”
It took me a moment. “What?” I asked, shakily.
He didn’t let go. “You heard me,” Felix said, low, right next to my ear. “I’ve never done this before, but you deserve it. You deserve someone who puts you first. So I’m going to do that. Even if I have to screw it up a hundred times to get it right.”
I sat there, shaking. His arms were tight around me. My face was wet. I didn’t care. “But you’re not a Daddy.” My voice cracked, hope and fear fighting so hard it was a wonder my ribs didn’t break.
He squeezed me gently. “Yes, baby. That’s what I’m telling you. I’m trying to say I’m going to screw this up.”
“I don’t understand.”
He smiled, and I fell headlong into it until it touched every corner of my soul. “That’s okay, because we’re going to work out what this means together. I’m not a proper Daddy, and you’re not exactly a Little.”
I blinked. I wasn’t any sort of a Little really. Maybe that's why I couldn't get a Daddy.
He got out of the closet and pulled me with him, adding his coat before leading me to the sofa and pulling me into his arms, and I went happily.
“If you were going to describe a Little to someone who didn’t know the lifestyle, what would you say?”
"They're not always childish," I blurted, too fast. "People think it's about acting like a toddler, but that's just… That's not it."
Felix didn't interrupt, just nodded. I cuddled closer knowing it wouldn't last. It made it easier to talk, for some reason.
"Littles are usually anxious," I went on. "They worry about getting things wrong. Or letting people down. They think everything is their fault, even when it isn't. And they want to do well so badly it hurts." I blinked, trying to put it in words that didn't sound pathetic. “They like rules, because the rules mean you can't mess up if you just do what you're told. Sometimes…sometimes they're really lonely, but they don't want to be a burden, so they don't ask for what they need."
My throat went tight.
"They like soft things. And food that's easy. They like to be told they're good, because most of the time, they're convinced they're not. Even if they do something right, they're just waiting for it to be taken away again."
Felix was so quiet I thought maybe I'd said something wrong. I tried to fix it, but it just tumbled out. "They're not trying to be babies. They're not trying to…be helpless. They just want to be safe. Like maybe if someone cares enough, the bad stuff can't get in."I wasn't sure if I was breathing or not. My cheeks were burning.
Felix's hand came up, smoothed the hair back from my forehead. "That's a good answer, baby," he said. I went loose all over, like he just cut the strings holding me upright. I hadn't even realized how much I wanted to hear that until he said it.
