“We’re the same age as Aaron and Abby,” I counter. “And you’re making it sound like I’m breaking up with you, not promising to love you forever. What’s scaring you so bad, Eleanor?” I finally start to breathe again, but it comes in quick, shallow pants. “I thought we were past this.”
“I thought we were, too.” She looks at me, eyes miserable and full of tears. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I love you. I know I want you. But then you stand there so sure of everything and I’m just…not.”
"But you're the one who started this," I mutter, mostly to myself. "You're the one who reached back out to me, you're the one who didn't let me go."
"I know I did," she replies in a small voice, gaze dropping to the gravel parking lot beneath our feet. "I know."
"Then why? If you didn't mean it, why'd you do it?" Hot tears prick my eyes, and I swipe at them furiously to keep them at bay.
"I meant it when I said I love you, I swear," she pleads. "I just don't know if I could say 'forever' and mean it."
I take a step backward, sliding the ring back into my pocket and staring at the spot over her shoulder. I can’t look her in the face, not right now.
“Griffin, this has to stop.” Her voice breaks on the last word as she looks up at me. “We can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep letting me do this to you.”
“Then stop doing it to me, darlin’. Please don’t run again, please don’t rip us apart.”
“I don’t want to,” she whispers. “I don't want to be the girl who calls you up when she's lonely, then disappears again. But what if that's all I am? What if I'm not as wonderful as you think I am? What if you deserve better?"
"I don't want better, Eleanor. I want you."
"I know," she continues in the same hushed tone. "And I want you, Griffin. But I also can’t say yes to you. I can’t give you what you want right now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.”
My eyes squeeze shut, finally allowing the tears to run freely. This is not what I thought was going to happen. I thought we’d both be crying happy tears. But we’re right back where we always end up–me placing my heart in her hands, and her handing it right back.
“I have to ask the worst thing of you,” she sobs. “Something is…wrong. In my brain. I never want to hurt you, and yet I can’t stop doing it. I need you to do it this time. I need you to be the one to walk away. I need you to cut me off, block me out. I am selfish, and awful, and cruel, and I’m asking you anyway. Please let me go. And don’t let me come back again.”
This is different. This is a thousand times worse than anything we’ve been through before. Even when we didn’t talk for years at a time, I think both of us knew we’d find our way back to each other. But this doesn’t feel like that. This feels…final. Like we’ve really reached the end.
“Please don’t do this,” my words echo hers from earlier, but completely opposite. “We can figure this out. We don’t have to get married, it’s fine. I just want you. Please don’t give up.”
“Oh, my sweet man,” she says, reaching up to wipe my tears away and cupping my cheek. “I don’t want to give you up, please believe that. But you deserve so much better than what I do to you over and over. I think we’re at the end of the line here.”
“But we were supposed to be forever. We were meant to have a life together.”
“I really thought we would. And I know it’s my fault that we won’t, and it kills me. But this is it.”
I scrape my hand down my face and clear my throat. “Okay. Okay, if this is really what you want. I’ll let you go.”Even if it kills me.
“It’s not what I want. But it’s what you need, even if you don’t see it yet.”
“It has to be the last time.” Something inside of me has shut down. My voice is hollow and monotone, as if I’ve hit the bottom of some well and have no emotion left to give. “You said it yourself–we can’t keep doing this. I cannot do this again Eleanor. If you walk away again, that’s it. I really mean it this time. We can’t come back from this.”
“I know,” she says defeatedly. “I know.”
“I’m always going to love you, you know?”
“I know,” she nods. “And I will never love anyone but you. I don’t think I’d even know how. It’s just not enough.”
I nod in silent agreement, backing further away so she has a clear path back to the venue. And for the last time, I watch the love of my life walk away from me.
She doesn’t turn to look back.
Chapter 49
Ellie
November, Age 28
