A lifetime of deep breaths couldn’t prepare me for this.
When I open my eyes again, I finally lay eyes on the sunlit beauty I would recognize anywhere. If I wasn’t already sitting down, I think my knees would have buckled.
The weight of everything hits me all at once. My brain involuntarily flips through the highlight reel of horror from the last three months.
The look on her face when she realized what we’d done.
The visceral hatred in her voice when she said she’d never forgive me.
The dozen unread texts I sent in the days that followed.
The hours I spent staring at my ceiling, full of shame and anger at myself for ruining things.
The dread that’s been building over the past week as I get ready to see her again.
After an entire summer of trying (and failing) to run into her casually, I figured I would just see her at school. Now I’m glad it happened out here–the last thing I need is to collapse in the hallway like a dork on the first day back.
My vision tunnels, and there’s a tightening, burning sensation in my chest. David and Jack look at me in alarm when I gasp deeply–I didn’t even notice I stopped breathing.
“What’s wrong with you dude?” Jack asks angrily. I can tell I scared him, but now that my gaze is locked on her,I can’t look away from Eleanor long enough to explain myself.
Following my line of vision, I can feel Jack stiffen when he spots the girls. David’s shoulders sag–no matter how many times I’ve told him we’re cool, he still looks like a scolded toddler every time Eleanor gets mentioned.
I know they haven’t seen us. First of all, they’re obviously in a very spirited conversation–at least I think they are from the way Abby is gesturing wildly.
Second, we’ve tested it ourselves. Even if you were to look directly at the spot we’re in, you can’t see us from the bench.
Third, I think she would bolt if she knew I was here.
Or maybe I’d be the one to run–my fight or flight has been leaning staunchly towardsflightsince the moment I saw her. Everything in me is telling me to run like hell.
I just can’t decide if I want to run to her, or away.
“C’mon man, let’s head back.”
Jack’s comforting hand on my shoulder still isn’t enough to tear my eyes away from the stunning creature I’d give anything to be near right now.
He moves his hand under my arm and pulls me to my feet. I finally look away and face him, and there’s pain on his face too.
Another stab of guilt threatens to knock me off my feet as I realize that wealllost her. She meant something to all of us, and I ruined it for everyone. I let him pull me to his truck, but glancing over my shoulder for one final look before getting in. It doesn’t hurt any less the second time.
We drop David off at home for family dinner, and Jack and I drive back to my house in silence. When we get there, he gets out and comes inside with me.
Maybe I need to get checked out by a doctor or something–I must be on the verge of death if Jack is willingly giving up his final Sunday Solitude of summer nearly.
When did I get this emotional?
We continue our silence as we sit in my basement, and I can’t help but stare at the spot Eleanor used to occupy every Friday night. It feels like it was just last week, and like it was another lifetime.
I know Jack is waiting for me to say something first, but I don’t think there’s anything in the English language that would explain the way it feels like a gaping black hole has opened in my chest.
Maybe I can learn something in Spanish II that will help.
I chuckle bitterly to myself, and Jack looks at me with one eyebrow raised.
“It’s nothing, man.” I’ve never heard myself sound so defeated. “I don’t think I can do this though.”
“You can. And you will.”
