As a kid, I always wanted a love like theirs. My mom’s midlife crisis ruined that, I guess. I thought they were the blueprint–now I have no idea what love should look like.
David and Jack still come over every day like nothing’s changed, but the house feels almost haunted now. When things were normal, dad used to come shoot the shit with us in the basement sometimes, but mom barely acknowledged my friends then, and she definitely doesn’t acknowledge them now.
Even though mom is the one who blew up their marriage, dad ended up moving out so she could stay in the house. He’s in an apartment across town now, and eventhough I see him two nights a week and on weekends, I still miss him all the time.
Which made it even worse when my mom met her new boyfriend, and they decided to up and leave me too. The day I turned eighteen, she told me I was old enough to fend for myself and left me alone in this house. They still make sure the bills are paid and I have money for groceries, but it’s been lonely.
My dad offered to move back in, but I know being here would kill him—she’s still the love of his life, even after everything. I can handle a little loneliness if I don’t have to put him through any more pain.
So I’m here, alone, sick to my stomach at the idea of Eleanor being alone too. After going back and forth with myself for the better part of an hour, I decide to send her a text.
I don’t even know if she still has my number saved.
I try not to think about it. I’ve worked too hard to climb out of the self-pity hole I fell into when I realized she wasn’t going to forgive me.
Don’t go back there, Griffin.
Griffin:Happy birthday, darlin’. Thinkin’ of you tonight.
I set my phone down, not expecting her to respond. I walk away to grab myself a drink from the fridge, when my phone dings unexpectedly.
With a slightly embarrassing speed, I snatch my phone up and see a reply.
Ellie:Thank you, Griffin.
Simple, formal, straight to the point–but a reply nonetheless.
Trying to tamper down the feeling of hope kindling in my chest, I text back as quickly as possible, as though if I could just send something back soon enough, she might reply to me again.
Griffin:Did you have a good day?
I should have said something more interesting. Something that might keep the conversation going longer. Before I have time to continue kicking myself, she writes back.
Ellie:Yeah, it was fine. Can’t believe I’m technicallyan adult now.
I know the feeling–I turned eighteen eight months ago, and there was a weird bittersweet feeling about it. After everything went down with my parents, it felt like childhood was really over.
After my mom moved clear across the country, I started spending most of my time alone. I go over to my dad’s on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I join David for Sunday dinners now, but there’s still a lot of empty space. The nights I spent with Eleanor and the guys feel like a different universe at this point.
Shaking those memories from my head, I send back my reply.
Griffin:Just fine? That doesn’t sound like the birthday girl I know.
She takes so long to respond that I worry I’ve overstepped– after all, she hasn’t wanted me to know her in a long time.
Right as I’ve given up, she sends one final reply.
Ellie:I guess I’m just a birthday adult now. Thanks for remembering. Goodnight Griffin.
I set my phone back on my nightstand, and lay in bed without bothering to change into pajamas. Staring at the ceiling, I wonder if there’s still a chance I might get to celebrate with that birthday adult again someday.
Chapter 21
Ellie
November, Age 18
This has been, objectively, the worst week of my life. Apart from a few texts from Abby, and one very glitchy cruise WiFi FaceTime from my parents, I’ve been alone with my thoughts.
