“I did that for you, Griffin,” I say, voice shaking with anger. “You would have been unhappy with me.”
“Don’t you dare do that,” he growls. “None of that was about me, and you know it. You were scared, and you bolted. Over and over again.”
“Oh, whatever,” I yell, turning away from him and walking back to the bar doors. “No one made you wait for me, Griffin. Go home to the life you workedsoooohard to build after I left.”
“Classic Eleanor,” he yells after me. “Walk away, avoid this conversation. Shouldn’t be surprised, that’s what you do best.” I slam the door behind me, leaving Griffin in my wake like I have every time before.
Chapter 35
Ellie
August, Age 18
I’ve been sick to my stomach for weeks. After meeting Griffin’s family and the almost-conversation on the drive home, everything seems to be spiraling out of control.
Except it’s not.Nothinghas changed. I have dinner with Abby on Fridays. We hang out with the boys. Griffin and I still spend as much time together as we always have, laughing and talking and loving the way we always do. My school plans are the same, my dreams well within my reach. And yet, it feels like I’m in one of those nightmares where you’re desperately trying to hold onto something and it keepsjustslipping through your grasp.
I have everything I’ve ever wanted–dear friends, a clear goal, a boy so perfect I couldn’t have dreamt someone better if I tried. When I truly look at it, really andobjectivelylook at it,all of those things are screaming at me that they’re here, and attainable, and not going anywhere.
So why does it feel like my life is imploding?
“You look like you’re about to cry. Or throw up. Or both.”
In a horrific turn of events, the diner was rented out for a private party tonight, so Abby and I are eating ice cream for dinner in my backyard, cross legged on the grass in the golden glow of the sunset.
“What’s going on in that head, Ellie Bellie?” she asks when I don’t respond.
“Do you ever feel like something catastrophic is about to happen and no one will believe you?”
“Well, no,” she says through a mouthful of rocky road. “What kind of catastrophe are we talking about here?”
“I feel Griffin and I have an expiration date, and I’m the only one who sees it.”
She whips her head around, her expression saying that she clearly thinks I’ve lost my mind.
“What on earth are you talking about?”
“He wants to stay here and I don’t. How does that work?”
“He wants to stay here and you don’tfor now,” she says, eyes rolling in exasperation. “Who knows what’s going to happen in the next four years? Who’s to say where either of you will end up?”
“But I can’t just bank on one of us changing our minds.”
“Okay, but you also can’t bank on younotchanging your minds,” she says, pointing her spoon in my face. “I know you’re my little worrier, but don’t work yourself up over a problem you don’t actually have.”
I stare down at my bowl, my mind warring between what Abby’s saying and my own anxiety.
“I don’t know why this feels so big to me,” I say, fighting back the tears gathering in my waterline. “Nothing has changed, except my brain is convinced thateverythinghas changed, and I need to cut and run.”
“Do not cut and run, Ellie.” Abby’s tone turning sharp, she sets her bowl down and grabs my face so I’m forced to look into her eyes.
“As your best friend, it’s my duty to tell you when you’re making a mistake. This is me telling you.”
When the first tear falls she wipes it away gently, but doesn’t stop her admonishment.
“I know you, Ellie Bellie. You get Big Scared, and your instinct is to hurt your own feelings before someone else can. With peace and love, cut that shit out. If Griffin isn’t scared of the distance, why do you need to be?”
“He’s a romantic, and an optimist, and a dreamer, Abs. I need to be pragmatic for the both of us, someone has to plan for the worst case scenario.”
