“I know.”
It’s not me because I’m right here. Remember that. I’m always with you. If I were out there too, we’d be gone by now. You’d be home with me for real. Remember, okay? Promise.
“I promise.”
Her face evaporates into his cell, and the spot where she stood is empty as ever.
He presses back into the wall, avoiding the stares of the one still with him. Whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen. He can’t worry about that. All he can do is curl up and wait.
The drugs have made him nauseous as usual. He vomits up bile and the last of the slop from two days ago. Flinches away from it, ready for the hit because making a mess is a sure-fire way to get one.
She gets closer, the one who hasn’t left, and Wade tenses for a fight. Scarred fists clench and nerves sing with anticipation. These fuckers are dumb as hell lately if they’re gonna leave him loose like this. No fucking chance he won’t use any opportunity to beat them down. Screw the consequences.
He’s making himself light-headed with all these rapid inhales that won’t quit, on high alert as she gets within a few feet of him, mumbling something he can’t make out and tossing a towel over the mess. Cleans it up and moves away again. At least, that’s what he thinks happens because he’s only watching from the corner of his eye.
Despite throwing up, he’s still hungry. There is food left beside him and he longs to eat it, but Silas’s words ring in his head.
“You touch anything but the rotten scraps and I’ll take your tongue next.”He smiled, holding up one of Wade’s severed toes like a prize.
Why are you listening to her all the time?His next cellmate scowls. This one, he is certain must be another hallucination because he wears the face of someone long dead. The foster father who shaped who he became before his frontal lobe had a chance to develop.Is it ‘cause she takes ya fancy places? I’m the one trying to keep you breathing. All she does is coo at you like you’re a little baby deer. All wobbly.
Wade’s not in the damn mood for this shit.
You need to eat that food. What good is a tongue gonna do you if you die of starvation, anyway?
He turns away from the plate and shoves his face into his arms, pulling his knees up tight.
Gotta quit paying her all the attention. She makes you weak. Why do you think I’m here now? You need me to toughen you up like always.
“That’s not true.”
No? Then why ain’t she come yet? Not that ghost chick you spend all your time with, but the real one. Been a long time and haven’t seen her once. She left you here. Ain’t her job anyway to come rescue your sorry ass. Can’t do it yourself, then you deserve what you get. Just like you deserved every lashing you got back in the day.
Wade winces, his lower back protesting his position and stomach swirling.
You and her weren’t all cozy anyway, before the world fell. You were out there bedding everyone but her, you sorry motherfucker.The man laughs.Too scared to go after who you really wanted, and look where that got you. You gotta accept that you and her are done now. Never got out of the gate. She’s moved on. Thinks you’re dead. Probably got a whole new life.You’ll only fuck that up if you ever get outta here. Listen to me. It ain’t worth it. Stop your pining. Let her be free of you.
Wade isn’t pining. That’s not a strong enough word for what he feels anymore. Seeing her is the only thing that keeps him going. Wouldn’t last another day if she didn’t come to him in his dreams, both waking and in sleep, and can’t even consider telling her to leave for more than a second.
He knows, deep down, that the real Kara isn’t an option anymore. If she ever was. His hallucination is right about one thing. It’s been too long. He wouldn’t blame her for assuming him dead and moving on. Would want her to live a good life even if he can’t. One of them needs to be happy.
That doesn’t mean he’s willing to give up the Kara who lives in his head. They are entwined in ways that go deeper than his trauma. Deeper than he’s willing to overthink. He needs her, and he isn’t willing to let go.
Somewhere in the distance, the person in the room with him finally leaves, taking the plate of food along too. There’s a stir of excitement in his gut at knowing he passed the test. He won’t have to go days without a meal again.
The moment that thought enters his brain, he’s disgusted with himself. Excited about slop, that’s who he is now. Maybe it’s better that Kara never sees him again. He can’t imagine the shame if she did.
The music stops, and blissful silence fills the air. He presses his cheek to the floor and lets one corner of his mouth quirk up when her fingers card through his dirty hair.
What are you going to tell me when you see me again?she says, sweetly.Let me hear it.
They do this sometimes. Practice what he’ll say. He’s run through a hundred different scenarios trying to find the best one that’ll show her how he feels, but he can’t today. Doesn’t feel right.
“Just stay with me?” he begs. “Please.”
Of course I will. Always. It’s just me and you, remember?
The door opens, and another plate of fresh food is placed in front of him. Not anything he’s allowed to eat. His eyes burn with tears that slide heavy down his nose and onto the ground. It’ll be another day at least, and he’s so hungry he can’t see straight.
