“For your sake, I should hope not.” I laugh a little.
“I don’t even think you’re that much of a control freak.”
“Oh, I am.”
“No, but for good reason. Like, you need to be aware of the world around you or otherwise you get sick. People can’t hold that against you.”
“Maybe not, but it happens.”
“But it shouldn’t.”
“A lot of things in this world shouldn’t happen, Charlie, bad things, but they still do.”
Charlie looks at me thoughtfully before replying, “You’re right. Of course, you’re right. But isn’t that reason enough to want somebody by your side, to help you navigate all those bad things that shouldn’t happen but still do? Because you don’t have to navigate things alone, Mina.”
My lips clamp shut because I have no words to that. I have no words as I stare at his firm and solemn expression, his sparkling blue eyes fixed on me. I have no words, but I have plenty of thoughts, most of them going along the lines ofHow dare Charlie say such a bold and brazen and loaded thing like that to me?AndAm I really supposed to ignore the subtext hidden in that challenge? Am I really supposed to not let part of me stretch and question if he means to say that he would want to navigate bad things with me?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Is There Any Love In Your Heart?
Charlie
Mina has been quiet for the last few minutes since we left the pub. So quiet I have convinced myself that when I suggest we head home to practice the pitch, she’ll tell me she has to go home and she’ll leave.
But she doesn’t. She quietly agrees and falls in step next to me as we walk back on the Common and retrace our steps towards my flat.
After I let Goldie off her lead again and she runs on ahead of us, my hands feel suddenly empty and useless.
“Mina, I hope I—”
“Charlie, I really don’t want to talk. I’ve got all this pain and pressure behind my eye, and I think it will pass but I just… Can we just not talk anymore?” she says, sounding exhausted.
“Of course, but I was just going to ask a quick question. And I promise it has a yes or no answer.”
“Okay,” she says with a sigh so big it very nearly makes me change my mind about asking but I push on.
“Can I… Can I hold your hand?”
She stops walking, which is not part of the easy yes or no answer I imagined. “What?”
Well, this is… awkward. I’m quite certain my face is the colour of beetroot as I repeat the question. “Can I hold your hand?”
“Why would you want to do that?” she demands.
There’s a knife’s edge in her voice and I know it’s probably there to shut me up, to silence my request and make me forget all about it but it has the opposite effect. It makes me want to fight for the pleasure of holding her hand.
“I don’t know, Mina. Maybe because I’ve shared a really lovely day with you and I quite like you and I think possibly, maybe, you might like me too, and holding hands is what people who like each other do.” My answer spills out in rush, and in averysarcastic tone.
Even under her jacket, I can see her shoulders fall. “That’s what I was afraid of,” she mumbles looking away at where Goldie has found some new dog friends to play with.
“Look, it doesn’t have to mean anything,” I say, knowing there are at least the roots of a lie in my words. “I don’t want you to promise me anything or make any assumptions by doing it, and you have my word I won’t do that either. I just want to hold your hand.”
Mina turns to look up at me and the breeze moves the hair away from her face. I feel then just how heavy the lies are in what I just said. Because it will very much mean something to me, if she puts her hand in mine. It will mean a lot.
“Promise, Charlie? Because…” She sighs again, long and heavy. “Because you know we can’t date. We can’t… be more than this weekend. We work together, we’re very,verydifferent people, we want very different things and… we’re just not meant to be.”
Every single word feels like a dagger in my heart, and the way she says each one so firmly, so resolutely, is like an extra twist of the blade, but I can already see the thing that is going to make me feel better, it’s going to make me utterly stupid and naïve too, but is still going to make me feel better. Because Mina is holding her hand out into the space between us.
