Prologue
Three Months Ago
Maeve
"Hey everyone, it’s your girl Mae again! Just thought I’d hop on Live for a Get Ready With Me before I head out to a brand meeting. They may want to take a few headshots while I’m there so I’m going big with my contouring and shit. You’ve been warned. Okay so, why am I doing this today? Oh, yeah, so. Deep breath, Mae. Well, I wanted to talk a bit about something that has been playing on my mind recently, and as some of you will already know, every now and then, when something’s bothering me or like stuck in my head, I like to talk to youse about it. It sort of helps me make sense of it. So, you know, that’s what I’m going to try and do.
“You see the thing is... ah, feck, this is hard. And it shouldn’t be hard. I’ve talked to you lot about this before. I mean, it’s how it all sort of started, back at Christmas, but I now feel like it waseasier to just say I’m queer and questioning, rather than pin a specific label on myself.
“I bet you’re thinking,don’t do it, Mae. You don’t have to pin a label on yourself.And you’re right. I don’t. And I’ll fight hard for anyone out there to have the right to avoid labels if that’s what they want, but I feel like the time is right for me to identify with a certain label. And the fact that I’m finding it so hard... shit, where’s my concealer? Oh yeah, there she is... Where was I? Oh, yeah, the fact I’m finding it so hard to tell you all what I think I am is confirmation enough that I want to do it. Because if I’m finding this hard, the chances are someone else somewhere in the world is, and I want to reach out to them. I want other people to also learn how to feel comfortable, if this is how they identify.
“I bet you’re all sitting shouting at your phones for me to hurry the fuck up and you’re right. I need to get to the point. Well, let me just start blending all this in with a nice and new clean sponge, which is... where are you, you bugger? I swear it was right here. Ah, shite, I don’t know where it is. I’ll have to use this dirty one. Don’t judge me, everyone. Or do. Whatever.
“Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah...
“I’m asexual.
“There you go. That’s it. I’ve said it. That’s what I think I am. And by asexual, I mean, I’m on the spectrum of it, you know, because all these things, all these queer identities, they’re all spectrums, aren’t they? At least, that’s my understanding of it.
“So, yeah. Asexual. That’s what I reckon I am. And why do I think I am asexual?
“Well, the easy answer is that it makes sense. I’ve been aware that I experience attraction differently to other people for a long time now, but I’ve not had the words for it. Like I would never describe what I feel, ordon’tfeel, as ‘experiencing attraction differently’ if you know what I mean. Rather, I just felt like there was this thing that people were in on, that I wasn’t part of. Like,there was this big secret that everybody knew, but I didn’t. And by ‘this thing’ and ‘secret,’ you know I’m talking about sex, right?
“At first, I just thought I was having bad experiences. Sloppy, awful kisses. Fellas who didn’t know what to do with their hands or mouths. Clumsy, awkward firsts that left me feeling really gross and, honestly, a bit sick. But then I would listen to my friends talk, my girlfriends and gay friends especially, and they would get so excited about sex, about orgasms and stuff, and I just... I didn’t relate. I thought they were making it up. Trying to be cool. So I would make it up too. I would joke with them. I would coo when they cooed. I would sayyumwhen they saidyum, even though most of the time I was thinkingyuk, yuk, yuk. At first, I thought they were all lying or joking or acting the maggot, but then those same friends would fall in love and get in serious relationships and the sex seemed to get even better and Jesus... that was like a whole new level of mindfuckery, because the people I’d done stuff with... I couldn’t, not in a million years, imagine falling in love with them or marrying them or what have you.
“Right, time for my magic contour stick. How are we looking? Eh, not bad. So yeah, my friends started coupling off, a few got married even, and of course I was aware of other relationships, like Ma and Dad, and my brother who properly got together with his now partner about two years ago, and yeah, I saw how loved-up they were, how – ew, I know this is gross but bear with me – I was aware of how intimate they were with each other and so it still felt like the whole world was in on a secret that I didn’t know. Like they’d drunk some magic potion that I hadn’t.
“And honestly, I wanted to drink it. I wanted to know what they felt. I wanted to feel what they felt...oh, Christ... ha, yeah, I gotta laugh you know, because this was when I started to think I was gay. You know, a lesbian. Please don’t laugh at me. It actually made so much sense at the time. Because my bestfemale friend, she really did feel like the love of my life. Still does in many ways. I feel more for her than I ever have for a man, and so I wondered if that meant I was gay. And I sort of… explored this a bit. But in doing so I realised that no, I wasn’t gay... I was something else. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew then that I definitely wasn’t straight.
“So I finally accepted I was queer. And that’s when I started to read. Yes, your girl can read. In fact, I read a lot of books. And I also found some amazing content creators here and on other platforms and finally, when I started to read about asexuality and listen to other people talk about what it was like to be asexual... well, it was like all the pieces of this long, jumbled-up jigsaw puzzle, they all finally fell into place. I felt like I’d finally found out the real secret I wanted to know.
“Okay, so I have to stop and talk about this powder I’m about to use. It’s actually a local Dublin brand and I am obsessed. Obsessed, I tell you. It’s vegan, they’re a sustainable company, they cater for all skin tones and types too. They have powders for oily skin, ones for dry and another for combi. And I’m not sure if it’s intentional or not, but the powders are slightly scented and they smell incredible. I guess this may not work for people sensitive to smells, although I have to say it’s really subtle and just like this light sweet, almost appley fragrance, like you just walked past a candy floss or doughnut stand at a funfair, you know? It’s lush. But also maybe not for everyone. Anyway, thank you, Ruby Red, for sending me your powders to try. I. Am. Obsessed. And this isn’t an ad. I just like talking about local Dublin brands, as you know.
“Right. So where was I? Oh, yeah. I’m asexual. Surprise!
“Or maybe it’s not a surprise. I’ve heard that there’s a definite pipeline from straight to bi or gay to questioning to queer to asexual. And there’s comfort in that, you know. That I’m not alone in going on this journey I’ve been on for the last fewyears. But it’s absolutely wild to me how difficult it is for people to recognise that what they feel is asexuality, because it’s just talked about so little.
I’m starting to think it’s one of the most misunderstood, stigmatised and possibly even demonised identity under the whole alphabet umbrella, you know. Along with our trans and intersex siblings. People really don’t like the idea of asexuality because it seems to challenge them, seems to rub them up the wrong way, and there’s this huge divide between them not understanding and choosing to supports it regardless. Like, I don’t know what it’s like to be a polyamorous gay man, but I’ll fight tooth and nail for them to be who they are, exactly as they are. But when it comes to destigmatising asexuality and being an ally to those who don’t experience sexual attraction or only do at certain times, well, I just don’t hear the same amount of noise.
“I guess that’s my main motivator for sharing this with you all today. I want youse to know that I’m proud of being asexual. I’ve finally found some comfort in my own body, in my own skin, after years and years of feeling like part of me was broken, that I was being excluded from this big secret world because there was something wrong with me. And whether you’ve been following me for a few months or for years and years, back when I was doing silly dances and videoing my brother jumping into swimming pools, well, I hope you’ll stick around, and I hope you’ll continue to support me as I am now. A proud and happy and completely valid asexual.”
VIRGO SEASON
“There is a magical dance happening between you and the life you desire. Don’t doubt the power of patience and knowing your own mind.”
Chapter One
Loncey
The nurse is giving me that look – the one with slightly raised eyebrows and knowing eyes - the look that says, I’ve seen your dick before. I know exactly what it looks like.
She’s a subscriber.
Four years ago, I would have looked at her name and tried to guess which one of my hundred or so subscribers she was, and I would have spent a few minutes wondering what drew her to my particular brand of ethical porn. Is it because I’m as non-binary and queer as the almond matcha latte I just finished? Is it because she likes Big Black Cocks? Is it because she likes fruity Doms who are all about consent?
Or maybe I’m not giving her enough credit. Is it because she likes the occasional talking video I do discussing certain elements of kink, of consent and of good communication during intimacy? That’s what I would have questioned once upon a time but now it’s not only impossible to know which one ofmy seventeen thousand paying subscribers she is, I’m also too damn busy to wonder why she signed up. Because honestly, I don’t care. I can ignore these looks just as easily as I can forget thousands of people have seen my penis, watched me fuck in all kinds of kinky, dirty, base ways. Besides, now is not the time to be thinking about that, no matter what look the nurse is giving me. Now is not the time to be thinking about anything but Jessica.
My sister is lying in the bed I’m sitting beside. She’s hooked up to an IV and a patient monitor that I am closely watching as the nurse also monitors it, Jessica’s paperwork on the clipboard in her hand. I’ll give her a few more minutes, and then I’ll ask her about the results of Jessica’s restrictive spirometry tests. Then again, if I don’t, if I just wait until she or a doctor can come by, maybe Jess will be able to get some sleep.
