I kick my legs out and swing them over the side as Loncey does the same. In the limited light that penetrates the room through the curtains, I can see our knees are just a few inches apart and I see movement as Loncey’s hand hovers above the gap between us.
I slip my hand into theirs and I’m momentarily surprised by how warm and soft it feels. Well, I guess smooth skin is a bonus of their job. It’s not like they’re out there laying bricks all day and getting calluses on their palms.
They lower their arm and rest their elbow on their thigh so my hand fully extends.
“Deep breath in,” they say and I obey as the whooshing sound of them inhaling fills my ears. I copy them. “And exhale.”
Together we blow out a long breath.
“And again,” Loncey prompts and I obey.
By the fourth deep breath, I start to feel more at home in my body. My lungs expand freely, my head has more space in it and my hand feels heavy in the cradle of Loncey’s palm.
“One more,” they say and as that final exhale sails out of my body, I’m opening my eyes, unaware I’d even closed them.
I’ve adjusted to the lacking light in the room and I can make out what I think is Loncey smiling at me. Not a big grin. Not a statement of a smile. Just a small lift in their lips.
“You still don’t have to,” they remind me.
“I want to,” I say and I expect the kickback of fear to make me want to swallow those words, but it doesn’t come.
“Good girl,” they chuckle, and I feel something twist inside my stomach. It feels intimate, them calling me that. Is it because that’s what the heroes say to their female love interests in the romance novels I’ve read? I know Loncey is aromantic, and to be honest, I find comfort in that, knowing that they’re not thinking of me in that way, worrying that I want more, but still I wonder if I need to clarify what is going to happen. Or rather, what isn’t going to happen.
“Just to say,” I begin. “This doesn’t mean…”
“I know, Maeve,” they interject. “I have no expectations of you. You don’t owe me anything.”
“Apart from maybe a coffee in the morning for keeping you up late,” I quip.
Their smile expands. “Sure, you can buy me a coffee in the morning.”
“Okay,” I wriggle my fingers out of their grip and I don’t like the cool emptiness that takes the place of their warm hold. “I’m going to lie down now.”
“Me too,” they say.
When I’m lying flat on my back, the covers up close to my shoulders, I slide my right hand into the waistband of my trousers.
“My hand is in my pyjamas now,” I say. I rest it on the warm, soft flesh that covers my pubic bone. I have a strip of hair there, one I keep trimmed and neat thanks to regular waxing appointments. Because neat and trim pussies are not just for allosexuals.
There’s a pause before Loncey speaks. “You don’t have to tell me what you’re doing.”
“Well, I don’t want you to think I’m just lying here,” I say.
“I don’t think that, I… I just want you to feel comfortable, Maeve,” they reply in a voice that almost sounds defeated.
I do, I want to say. I do feel comfortable. However, for some reason, saying so would feel like I’m revealing too much, that it’s impossibly more intimate than what I’m doing, which is lowering my fingers so the tips of my index and middle finger feel hot, satin-smooth flesh.
“Fuck,” I whisper and I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m surprised by what I find. But now I have my hand on my genitals, I’m aware of the rolling in my stomach. “I fucking hate this,” I add through gritted teeth.
“Think about how good you’re going to feel, Maeve.” Loncey’s voice travels over to me, slow and low.
“When it’s all over,” I mumble.
“No, when you give your body what it needs. You’re so smart to listen to what your body wants,” they say and I recoil. That’s my immediate reaction but it’s washed away instantly by a warm glow that washes everything else away – my shame, my embarrassment, my discomfort.
“Can you… can you say that again?”
They do and as their words fill my ears I start to move the tips of my fingers around my clit in small, tight circles. I fucking wish I had my vibrator with me to make this quicker and easier.
