I let myself indulge this fantasy. I imagine us living in his little cabin at first, close to their mum, Jessica and Taylor and Prince. Eventually we will get our own place. Maybe a house in the same neighbourhood as their family. I liked it there. It was close to the city but still quiet. Friendly neighbours and a safe area. My parents would enjoy visiting us there. Marty, Jenna and little Patience too. Or maybe one day, we’ll move somewhere else. Maybe LA. or San Diego, but nowhere too far from Las Vegas. I understand deeply Loncey’s need to be close to their family. I would never want to change that about them.
I understand it because I feel it too, but perhaps the difference between Loncey and I is that I have never felt this before, this pull to a person, this love. I never expected to feel it. I never thought it was possible. And now I’ve found it, I don’t want to live without it. I don’t want to be drip-fed this love or have it diluted by the distance. I want to bathe in it. I want to indulge in it. And I want to nurture it, to be present in it and ensure it grows and grows and grows.
That’s not to say that Loncey is my only chance at love. I actually don’t believe that anymore, if maybe I did at first. I am slowly starting to know in a visceral way that I am worthy and capable of finding love in this lifetime and that Loncey is far from the only person who could feel it for me too. It’s the most ironic thing that Loncey has taught me this. But I don’t wantanyone else to fall for me. I don’t want to find love with another person. I want Loncey. I love Loncey.
So I will do whatever it takes to be with them, really be with them.
This new determination mixes with my bone-deep devastation in a weird, confronting way. It has more tears flowing down my face but it also has me reaching for my phone and starting my research immediately.
“Crying like a typical Cancer,” a voice says. A voice I know well. I twist my head to the side.
“What’s got you all upset?” Loncey stands next to the empty chair next to me. They have a backpack over their shoulder and a crooked smile on their lips.
They’re also wearing one of their camisole tops, a black silk one that catches the plane’s artificial light.
“I…” I give myself a few seconds, just to try and catch my breath. I barely manage it but it’s enough to keep talking while I plaster a smile on my face. “I was just thinking about the person I’m in love with and how I don’t want to leave them.”
“Good job you don’t have to then.” They look down at the boarding pass they’re holding in one hand. “This is my seat.”
“What… what the fuck are you doing?” I ask. I have a good idea what is going on but I feel like it could be an illusion or maybe my fantasising about us being together has reached a delusional level.
“I’m flying to Dublin.” They stash their backpack in the overhead compartment and then sit down. “With you.”
“You’re coming back with me? For how long? A week? Two?” I ask, full of hope.
They shrug off their corduroy jacket so I can see the lace straps of their camisole kiss their collarbones. “No, Maeve. Not for a week.”
“Oh.”
“Forever, Maeve.”
“For what?” My mouth falls open.
“Actually, technically, I can only stay for three months, but I will start looking at visas the moment we land. And I want to spend every moment of those three months with you. I want to show you just how committed I am to you. I have no clue what we’ll have to do so I can stay with you permanently, but whatever it is, I’ll try and do it. Heck, I’ll even marry your ass if I have to.”
I scoff, loudly and Loncey laughs. “Yeah, I thought you’d react like that. But seriously, Maeve,” they look up over the top of the seats in front of us, “if you don’t want me to go all in like this, you need to tell me. They haven’t closed the front door yet, and I’ll save a fortune in parking if I leave now.”
“Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the angel Gabriel, you haven’t left your car at the airport, have you?”
“No, Taylor’s picking it up.” They smile. “And you still haven’t answered my question.”
“What question?”
“Do you want me to do this? Come live with you in Dublin?”
I’m crying again, but these tears feel lighter, warmer.
“It’s all I fucking want.”
“It’s all I fucking want too,” they say, and yet again they try to mimic my accent and it sounds so ridiculous, I burst into laughter that shakes my body, but I’m not alone in these shakes for long because Loncey’s arm stretches out and pulls me close to them. The arm rest between us digs into my stomach but I don’t care. I just have to be close to them. I have to feel their warmth. I have to inhale their smoked candyfloss smell. I have to have their hands on my body, because I trust their hands on my body. I want their lips on my skin, because I know that that’s enough for them. No, it’s more than enough. It’s everything, for them and for me.
“I love you.” The words spill out of my mouth and land somewhere in their locs. They sound so much more fragile than how they really feel, because they feel like they’re made of diamonds, strong and beautiful and dazzling.
“Fuck, I love you too,” Loncey says on an exhale and I feel their whole body sink a little, as if saying that came with great relief.
I pull back just as the seatbelt sign goes on with a littlebing.We smile at each other as we secure our seatbelts and I still can’t believe they’re here sitting next to me. I have so many questions to ask them. I want to know how and when and why they came to this decision. I want to know what they said to their mother and their sister. I want to know how they managed to get a seat on this flight so quickly, and fuck, was that why I got the upgrade?
But more than all these questions that bounce around my mind, I have to know something else much more urgently.
