“What is it?” Arabella has one of her hands on my wrist and a concerned expression on her face. “You look like you’re about to bawl your eyes out. What did I say?”
“Nothing,” I say, forcing a smile on my face. “It’s nothing.”
“My arse is it.” Her fingers dig into my arm.
“Bella, it’s grand. I’m grand,” I protest. “Just tired, as you know from my sickly pale face.” I emphasise the words she said to me earlier.
“You been getting more weird DMs? Some melter bothering you online?” Arabella asks, her frown still creasing her dark brown skin.
I roll my eyes. “No, nothing like that,” I say but then pause.
“Good, because you know there are some serious weirdos out there and a pretty face like yours is going to attract them, I’m afraid,” Arabella replies, but I’m not really listening.
“Bella, do you watch porn?” I ask and when my best friend’s face drops completely, I realise I’ve shocked her, which never happens. The only other time I did that was when I kissed her under some mistletoe at Christmas, when I was considering if I was attracted to women because I’d finally admitted to myself that men didn’t really do much for me. Turns out women didn’t do much more for me either – especially not my best friend of twenty years.
“Did you just ask what I think you asked?” Arabella’s dark eyes narrow on me.
“Yeah, do you watch porn? Or specifically, do you go on sites like MyFans to watch it?”
“MyFans?”
“Yeah, you know where people sell their videos and—”
“I know what MyFans is, Hamster, I am just as much of a millennial as you, you know, even if I don’t lipsync on TikTok for a living.”
“I don’t lipsync on… at least not very much anymore.”
“For the record, I love your lipsyncs. And all your dances. Which is why you should dust your pointes off and come help me once I start to get ready forThe Nutcracker.”
“Bella, I—”
“And as for your question,” Bella continues. “Yes, I watch porn.”
“You do?”
“Sure. Don’t you?”
I give Bella a sharp look with my chin pointed down.
“Hey, asexuals can enjoy porn too,” says Bella. “I’m pretty sure you’ve said that in one of your TikToks before. About how all asexuals are different.”
“Well, I’m glad you were listening, but no, I don’t watch porn. I don’t… feel the need.”
“And that’s totally fine. But why are you asking me this question?”
“Because…” I pause. Do I tell Arabella the truth? That someone slid into my DMs and although the vast majority of our shared conversation has rubbed me up the wrong way, there’s a small part of me that keeps thinking about them and wondering what their daily life looks like and how, just how, they can do the work they do. I decide against it. “Aisling wants me to do sexier stuff, says it will be better for my business, and then at lunchtoday, another influencer, Niamh, her name is, she was saying how she sells feet pics for hundreds every single day via her MyFans page and it just… it got me thinking.”
Arabella blinks at me. “You’re thinking of starting a MyFans page?”
“No!” I say, possibly sounding a little horrified, which is something I will interrogate later, a lot later. “I’m just… curious.”
“Well, so am I. That’s some serious money. But what about bruised, battered and bleeding feet?” Arabella pulls her foot up to her chair and massages it through her Converse trainers.
“I’m starting to think there’s a market for everything in this sex-crazed world,” I say, half to myself.
Arabella lifts her finger to me. “Hold that thought! I need to go to the loo.”
She’s off her chair and walking to the Ladies before I can even acknowledge what she’s said. I watch her go for a few seconds, then I pull out my phone. I ignore all my new notifications, open up my TikTok app and go straight to the inbox. I find our conversation and I start typing.
