“Depending on my schedule, yes. It’s basically after every new partner. So sometimes it’s every few days and other times it’s a week or two. They can also fill your PrEP prescriptions there.”
Britney nods. This isn’t new to her. It’s one of the first things I talked about when we started these monthly meetings, but until now she hasn’t been doing collaborations and so it was important that I reminded her and told her about the service I use that gets me unlimited tests once I pay a monthly subscription.
“And don’t be surprised if you meet people who may approach you for a collab at the clinic,” I say with a half-smile. “It’s pretty much only used by sex workers so some use it as a networking opportunity. Don’t feel any pressure to give your number to anyone. Tell them you’ll find them online and then send me their names and I’ll look into them.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Britney says and a little color perks up her milky white complexion. “You already do enough.”
“It’s a pleasure,” I say. “Well, I gotta get going. Do you have any other questions for me?”
“Well, yes, there is something I wanted to ask.” Britney shifts in her chair, leaning a little closer. “I’m going to… I’m going to tell my parents about my new… career. Soon. I want to be honest with them. What was it like when you told your mom and dad?”
My eyebrows lift as I smile. “Well, I may not be the best person to answer this. My mom, she’s very liberal and forward-thinking. She has been supportive from day one.”
“Really?” Britney’s eyes are so big. “And what about your dad?”
I clear my throat. “That was also easy. I didn’t tell him because I have no idea where he is. Haven’t for a long time. He left my mom and me when I was a toddler. I have no clue where he is.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Britney looks down.
“Hey, no worries,” I say. “I don’t talk about him because there is nothing to talk about. He was a piece of shit and we’re better off without him.”
I feel the flinch more than I move my features to accommodate it. I still have visceral reactions talking about my father and the way he left us. Not because I remember it or him – I don’t – but more because of how it impacted my mom who had to work around the clock to make ends meet. And yes, okay, also because his absence didn’t shrink as I aged; it grew. Whenever I saw other kids with their fathers, it stung. When Father’s Day rolled around year after year, it was a reminder that something was missing, no matter how much I used the day to praise and thank my mom. And the absence reached epic proportions when Kevin, Jessica’s father and the man who lived with my mom and me for years left after he decided having a sick kid was too difficult for him.
I may not be a man, and I definitely don’t want kids, but I will never be someone who turns their back on their family. Never.
Britney nods. “I can see how that would maybe make it easier but my parents… They’ve been so supportive of my transition and my wanting to come to Nevada for college. I just don’t want them to feel like I’m letting them down.”
“You know,” I say, thinking on the spot. “You don’t have to show your face to do this work. There are lots of anonymous sex workers. They do POV camera angles or they wear masks. You could think about that.”
Britney pulls a face. “I’ve already started with showing my face. And I’m not stupid. I know it’s one of my best features.” She bats her thick eyelashes before giggling at herself. “And Ijust don’t like keeping secrets. I kept my true gender a secret for so long, I refuse to go back in any boxes or hide who I really am again.”
I nod, understanding on a cellular level. “I feel that,” I say and we share a long moment of eye contact. “Your parents sound like they love you very much and I’m sure this won’t change that. It may take some adjusting for them, but give them time and space to do so.”
Britney nods. “I will. And I hope so.”
“Okay, I really need to head home. I’m on cooking duties for my sister and mom.” I pull my bag onto my back and make it clear I’m about to stand.
“You’re too cute, El,” Britney says. “And would it be okay if I texted before I called my parents? I just know I’ll be all nervous and in my head and—”
“Of course you can,” I say and put my hand on her shoulder.
“Thank you!” she says, her smile stretching her whole face.
“Oh, I think it will be a bit more than a month before our next hangout,” I say. “I have XXXCon.”
“Oh, yeah, should I be going to that? I looked at tickets. They seemed really expensive.”
“No,” I shake my head, “it’s really not necessary for anyone, but especially if you’re just starting out like you are. It will overwhelm you. Next year. That will be a better time to go, and if there is anything really interesting this year, I’ll tell you about it.”
Another face-stretching beam of a smile. “You’re the best.”
“You’re welcome.” I nod and gesture for her to lead the way toward the door. As she turns and I follow her out of the coffee shop, I feel a jolt of guilt settle clumsily in my stomach. A series of clear but disturbing thoughts fill my mind.
You shouldn’t be helping her work in this industry. She’s young – only twenty – and she’s going to be opening herselfup to so much abuse and transphobia. She’s going to be fetishized and dehumanized. She’s going to see the very worst of humankind. And she’s going to do all of this while navigating the other challenges and struggles of online sex work – the stigma, the problematic creators, the exhaustion that can come from doing scene after scene with people who aren’t good matches. Why am I helping her walk further down this path?
I push these thoughts aside as I hold the door open for Britney. She’s going to do this work with or without my help. I may as well be somebody she can turn to when it gets hard. Because it will get hard.
“You know, you can call me any time you need to. This isn’t easy work. It’s not an easy life, even if the money is good and the flexibility is unrivaled. We still have to put up with a lot of shit.”
