“Fine, I guess it will just challenge me because I’ll be in a very large room full of people who have absolutely no problem having sex so I’ll feel completely out of my depth and like the only asexual in the village.”
“I can assure you, you will not be the only asexual in the village,” I say, although I have no idea what she’s talking about.What village?
“Really?”
“Even off the top of my head I know a handful of creators who are on the ace spectrum and they openly talk about it too on their channels. And as for people who have issues having sex? Well, don’t you know most of us have our limits, our boundaries, our absolute hard nos. We’re not all doing anything and everything with our bodies and we all have to, or at leastshould, check in with ourselves regularly so we don’t violate our own boundaries or have it happen in a scene, something that happens all too regularly, sadly. So, yeah, we may even understand better than most what you’re talking about when you talk about having hard limits about what you do and don’t want as physical intimacy.”
Maeve chews on the corner of her lip as she listens. “I hadn’t… I didn’t think about it like that.”
“Did you also know that some asexual people are heavily into kink?”
Her eyes grow as wide as saucers. “Kink?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I know of this ace creator, Madame Magik is her name. She’s a Dominatrix, a FemDom, and she loves nothing more than making people come completely undone but she doesn’t get off on it sexually. It’s a power and trust exercise for her, and that makes her feel good. Kink isn’t always sexual. It can be healing too. It can be a safe and consensual place toexplore fantasies that have nothing to do with genitals, orgasms or penetration.”
Her eyes narrow again. “How the fuck do you know all this?”
I stand up and move to the end of the bed to retrieve my jeans. “I told you, I read books, Maeve. Also, I’m really interested in kink, and why and how it works for some people.”
“I don’t… I know next to nothing about kink.”
“I can send you some articles,” I say pulling my jeans up. “And I know this really cool woman you could talk to who’s graysexual, I believe, and she’s this truly awesome rigger.”
“Rigger?”
“She likes tying people up.”
Maeve shakes her head suddenly and it makes her hair fly out around her. “This is all… kind of interesting, I guess, but I can’t speak about it tomorrow. I haven’t got time to read articles or learn all the things about something I barely understand.”
I reach for my top. “Which is why you should speak about what youdoknow. Just spare us the part where you talk about being broken, because as valid as that is, that’s not a message I think you should share. I think it’s important you stick to the original topic you wanted to challenge the audience with. How compulsory sexuality rules our world, and how that makes you feel.”
When my head pops out the opening of my T-shirt, Maeve’s moved to sit up on her knees. “Where are you going?”
“You need some peace to work on your speech,” I say and look around for my shoes. “And I need to find somewhere I can have a shower and treat my locs before tomorrow. I need to oil them today.”
She sits up a little higher and I hate myself for thinking, no,feeling, how fucking sexy she looks on her knees with spread legs like that.
“Could you not?” she asks in the quietest voice.
“Could I not oil my locs? Does the messy look do it for you?” I toss a handful of my hair over one shoulder.
“No, I mean, could you not leave? Could you stay? And help me with my speech… if you don’t mind.”
I feel my shoulders sink down. “You really want me to stay?”
She nods and I keep my gaze on her eyes. Not on the shape of her denim-covered thighs spread open like that. Not on the way she’s wringing her hands with what I fear is real and true worry. Not on the way her chest lifts and falls with shallow breaths, making her breasts move. I keep my eyes on her eyes as I answer.
“Sure, I’ll stay.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Maeve
“If I’ve made you think about anything today, I hope it’s not only that many of the societies we live in need to address their compulsory sexuality but also that we would all benefit from them doing so.” I’m standing in my pyjamas at the end of my bed, delivering the closing paragraphs of my speech to Loncey who is lying on top of their bed, their hands clasped behind their head. They haven’t given much away during this rehearsal of my speech, but they also haven’t interrupted me, or fallen asleep, so I’ll take both as good signs.
I drop my gaze back to the last few notes on my phone. “My asexuality doesn’t define me, and nor are you defined by the work you do, yet we are all in some way or another defined by a world that sees compulsory sexuality, predominantly compulsory heterosexuality, as the default. The more we challenge this narrative, the more we will all have greaterfreedom to live our lives in ways that best suit us, and that will benefit the people we love and the people we share space with. I look forward to learning from you all over the coming days at this conference, and I am grateful for you giving me the time and space to share my experience with sex and what it’s taught me about the world. Now I’m excited to learn what it’s helped you learn about the world.”
I look up from my phone and am almost knocked back with relief when I see them beaming a smile at me that’s all straight white teeth and stretched pinky-brown lips.
