He rubbed his hand into his blond hair and looked away.
‘You do not want this,’ he said. ‘You do not want me.’
‘I—’
‘Don’t, Persephone. Not like this.’
‘What do you mean, not like this?’ she asked. ‘Like what then?’
‘Not out of gratitude,’ he said. ‘Not because you feel you should. Not because you think I am “owed” anything. I am not a dog to be rewarded by throwing treats.’
She gasped. ‘Throwing you treats? Is that what you think I’m doing? How can you say that to me?’
‘After this long, you choose to hold my hand, seem to return my affection, tell me now that you want to be with me?’ He looked at her, appearing to actually want a reasonable answer to his question.
‘Yes?’ she queried.
He nodded and then replied in a matter-of-fact tone. ‘It is not because you want to. It is because you feel you should.’
‘What—?’ she tried to cut in.
But Stefan continued on, knocking the wind from her with his words. ‘I love you. I have loved you for a long time, but even I will not let you humiliate yourself like that, and humiliate me, simply because you feel you are paying me for a job well done.’
She opened her mouth, but couldn’t speak. Her chest felt as if it had caved in. His eyes wide with something resembling anger,Stefan turned towards the door, placing both his hands on either side of the frame. His back moved up and down as he breathed heavily.
Neither of them spoke. The shock of his words forced tears from her eyes. She put her hand back over her mouth to prevent the noise of her sobs. He turned, sadly towards her.
‘Please don’t cry,’ he said softly. ‘I have done you a service by this, really.’
She couldn’t reply, the tears flowing down her face, her throat choked with a hard lump.
When he spoke his tone was kind but the words hurt regardless. ‘I suspect you will come nowhere near me now. And that is for the best. We both know where we stand. I did what I did because I hope it will save you from an unspeakable punishment. But I would have done the same to save Dido. I would even have done the same to save Jack. He does not view our friendship with the same lasting reminiscence that I do. But nonetheless …’
When it was clear he wasn’t going to continue, she mustered every piece of courage she had and forced aside every scrap of dignity that remained. ‘Stefan,’ she said quietly, the lump in her throat threatening to strangle her words. ‘Please believe me. I hate so many things about all of this. I hate that you wear that uniform. And I know you hate it too. I hate that we’re trapped here like this. I hate what’s happened today. I hate what you just did for me. But I love you.’ Her words shocked her into silence before three, four seconds later she continued, ‘I love you. Today has nothing to do with that. It’s because of what we once almost were to each other, what we missed out on and what we could be. I love you. Please believe me.’
He was silent for a few moments, his face betraying nothing. ‘I want to believe you. But you must get some rest,’ he said. ‘I do not expect anything from you for what I have just done.’
‘Stefan,’ she started again.
He interrupted to silence her. ‘Persephone, if you still feel thisway in a month from now, two months from now, tell me again. And if not, then I will know and I promise that I will not mention this again. And I swear on all that is holy that I shall never tell a living soul what happened today on the cliff. I want you to know that.’ He smiled kindly at her, and she could only stare after him as he left the room.
Chapter 27
Persephone spent the rest of the afternoon in bed crying and hating herself for it; hating herself for killing a man, hating herself for not being able to do more in this war. And hating herself for loving Stefan. For having never stopped. Not really.
When Dido entered the house, Persey washed her red eyes, neatened her hair and went to find her sister. Dido was shocked there was no dinner and set about starting something, cobbling together a few vegetables. ‘I thought soup,’ Dido stated. ‘Mother really should have invested in cookery classes for us at some point or another,’ she added. ‘Bet she never thought she’d see the day when her two precious girls would have to cook their own suppers. Come back, Mrs Grant, all’s forgiven.’
Persey nodded quietly.
‘I’m joking, you know?’ Dido said, and then when Persey didn’t answer she continued. ‘What do you think she’s doing now? Mrs Grant I mean.’
Persey shrugged. ‘I don’t know,’ she said listlessly. ‘Surviving?’
Stefan joined them in the kitchen, organising a pot of what passed for tea, adding bramble leaves and placing the kettle on the range to warm. He stood silently, watching Persey. Persey avoided his gaze, the humiliation rising afresh.
‘Do you know a Captain Werner Graf?’ Dido asked, turning to Stefan.
‘No,’ he said. ‘Should I know of him?’
