A weight lifts from my chest, and a lightness I hadn’t realized I’d been missing takes its place. It’s like I’ve been carrying the burden of a thousand unspoken words, and finally they’re out.
Stars gleam above the mountaintops. I stay outside long after my fingers go numb, my nose running from the cold. I stare at the stars, no longer needing them to guide me or make wishes upon them. This time, the stars don’t have to tell me who I am.
Thirty-Seven
Whenmorningfinallybreaks,pale and cold, I move through the house like someone surfacing from deep water, taking her first real breath after years of barely breathing.
Despite my lack of sleep, I feel renewed and refreshed. The rich aroma of coffee fills the air, and I breathe it in deeply, feeling, for the first time, truly free. No longer tied to a past defined by hurt, I look ahead to the future waiting for me.
Ivy appears in the doorway, her hair wild and sleep-mussed. She wears wide-legged sleep pants and a wrinkled, self-cropped college T-shirt. She settles onto a stool at the island, cradling her coffee cup.
“I’m sure you heard my fight with James last night. He told me we’re over.” Her gaze settles on me, more searching than accusatory. “I feel so lost. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I’m thirty-two and asking the questions of a teenager.” She pauses, and behind the heartbreak and questions, there’s a spark of life that’s been missing. “You seem different. More sure of yourself. How did you find your way?”
“Mama!” Anna’s sweet voice sings through the baby monitor.
“I’ve got to get Anna.” I stand, but stop before I leave the kitchen. “The questions you’re asking are the right ones. They’re the ones it took me too long to be brave enough to ask.”
Ivy’s breath stutters, and tears gather at the corners of her eyes.
"The thing is..." I hesitate, aware of how hollow this might sound soon. "I was trying to meet expectations that were more about what I thought I should want than what I actually needed."
“What’s changed, though?” Ivy asks.
“Me. I’ve changed.” I let that settle before I continue. “I started choosing myself.”
“Mooooommmmaaa!” Anna’s voice rockets through the monitor again.
“I’ll see you later.” This time I hustle out.
With the speaker pressed to my ear, I listen to Anna’s laughter and the creak of the bed as she bounces. James’s deep voice wishes her good morning. He must have heard her through the open door and come to check. I listen to their little conversation, and when I peek through the doorway, Anna’s wrapped around him, face buried in his shoulder.
“Hi Mama!” Anna exclaims when she spots me.
“Good morning, Bug,” I say, kissing her head. As I straighten, his lips brush against mine, brief and tender.
“Breakfast, Mama?” Anna asks, already focused on pancakes and syrup.
She’s blissfully unaware of the tension swirling around her. Last night, we ate pizza on the couch and watched a movie. She thought it was the best thing ever. Her focus stayed onFrozenwhile the rest of us barely ate, sipping our wine.
James lowers her to the floor, and she dashes toward the stairs. Before I can follow, he catches my hand, pulling me close.
“Mason and I talked last night,” I say. “We’re telling the family tonight.”
“Once Gary and Margaret arrive, I’ll take off. I don’t want to hurt Ivy any more than I have. She was pretty upset last night.” He squeezes my waist, and I can hear the exhaustion in his voice as he says, “I’m ready for all this to be over.”
I lean back into his body for another second. “As long as things don’t go too badly tonight, I should stay through tomorrow. Give Anna one last Christmas with me and Mason both there. Maybe we can meet at the resort?”
“I’m not leaving here without you. That’s the only thing I know for certain.” He quickly kisses me.
“Pancakes?” Anna reappears in the doorway, her face lighting up as she sees us standing close and whispering. She steps between us, grabbing each of our hands.
“Yeah, love. Let’s make pancakes.”
Over the next several hours, the house fills with the familiar chaos of a family reunion. The high-pitched squeals of children mingle with the low hum of adult conversation as new arrivals catch up, easing some of the earlier tension. And for a while, the air feels normal.
James shows Gary and Margaret the extras he constructed around the hot tub. Margaret comes upstairs with tears in her eyes, asking us all to see.
She leads the way, with Jules, Tom, Ivy, and me following closely. James trails behind, hands shoved in his jeans, and chin tilted down. When she throws open the doors, her arms lift, unveiling the masterpiece.
