“Thought it might be best to share when… others weren’t around.”
There’s so much more I want to say. So much I can’t. A fat tear rolls down my cheek. And this is exactly what Jules was talking about. The glow. It’s happening now, spreading through me like light in a place that’s been dark for too long.
I simply say, “Thank you.”
***
Anna’scrieshitmeas soon as we step into the cabin.
“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Margaret says, looking frazzled, swaying back and forth with my screaming daughter. “She started and won’t stop.”
I take Anna, immediately feeling her body relax against mine. Her cries soften to hiccups as I bounce her gently, rubbing circles on her back. But I hear fingers flying across a keyboard at the kitchen island, the sound rhythmic and unbothered. When I peek through the doorway, it’s Mason. Earbuds in. Absorbed in whatever he’s writing.
“Did you ask Mason to help?”
Margaret’s pause is longer than it should be. “He said he couldn’t be interrupted.”
“How long was she crying?” I ask, my voice tight.
“Twenty minutes, maybe more. I tried everything. A bottle, diaper, walking around the cabin.” Margaret sinks into the sectional. “I’m sorry, Sydney.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.”
Anna’s breathing finally evens out against my shoulder, her tiny fist curling around a strand of my hair.
“She just needed her mama.” Margaret looks relieved.
Beneath the tenuous calm, I’m caught between the warmth of the sledding adventure, the ladybug tucked in my bag, and the growing fury I feel at Mason typing away.
He finally pulls his earbuds out when he sees me glowering from the doorway. “Do you need something?”
“No, Mason. I don’t need a damn thing from you. Though our daughter needed some comfort, something you might have been able to offer.”
“Don’t start with me, my mother was handling it. Anna was crying. It’s what babies do.”
“Do you hear yourself? I thought you wanted to be a dad. It’s like your life hasn’t shifted at all with Anna around.”
“Oh no. It’s shifted. I have a wife who’s decided she no longer wants a career. Most of the time, she can’t even get out of sweats before dinner. And still hasn’t lost her baby weight.”
“Fuck you.”
I storm past the dining room and frozen expressions on Jules, Tom, and James’s faces. They heard everything.
“Jesus Christ. I can’t just pretend I didn’t hear him say that.” Jules says as I take the stairs as fast as possible.
Shame burns hot in my cheeks, not because of what I said, but because they witnessed how little he cares. I don’t stop until we’re in our room.
After laying Anna in her crib, I grab the ladybug from my bag. My fingers tremble as I clutch it to my chest and stare out into the mountains.
The door opens.
“Where’d that come from?” Mason gestures to the ladybug.
I ignore his question and go about putting away Anna’s things.
“Syd, what was that downstairs? Jules just reamed me out.”
“I’m tired, Mason. I’m tired of doing this on my own. The ninety minutes I went sledding today were the most time I’ve had away from Anna in four months. I’ve counted how many minutes you’ve spent with her since we got here. Want to take a guess?”
