I know I should listen.Hearwhat he’s saying. How this morning makes no sense, how it doesn’t match the man I know. But I can’t hear anything over the pounding of my own fear.
The voice that whispers:
You’re not enough.
Love like this always disappears.
Some people deserve love. But you’re not one of them.
“Sydney, please. Don’t pretend this doesn’t matter.” He swallows, brings his hand back to my face, and caresses a rogue tear that escaped before I could blink it back. “I made a mistake. One in this whole fucking mess. And it’s like you’re working so hard to prove I’m not worth the risk.”
The riot inside me is deafening. But I keep my chin high, my breath steady. I won’t let him see how close I am to breaking.
He draws in a slow, pained breath, and with one final glance, he leaves.
The door slides shut, and my knees give out. I sink to the floor, hands trembling as I press them to my face. I suck in breath after breath to keep sobs from escaping.
Am I trying to prove myself right? That he’ll be like everyone else and leave?
Possibly.
Because chasing a love that could destroy me the way it did my mother? That’s not brave. That’s lighting a match and standing in the fire.
2022
The bird learns to trust its wings
not for where they’ll carry her,
but for the sky that was always her birthright.
Twenty-Six
Everyyear,Iwalkback in here, and every year, I question my sanity.
Tonight I’m walking into a party honoring my sister-in-law’s upcoming marriage to the man I’ve spent the past year trying, and failing, to forget. The man I still dream of and ache for.
I haven’t responded to a single text message James has sent. Every day, first thing in the morning and late at night, they arrive. I never fail to read them—dissecting his every thought, reading far too much into what he doesn’t say.
The only time I can bear his name, the only thread I allow myself to hold, is when I speak with his mother. Vera and I have grown close this year through my volunteer work at the shelter. Anna and I have spent countless weekends at her house, finding comfort in her warmth, the stillness of her quiet country road, and the endless running trails beyond her back door.
After long days at the shelter, Vera pours wine and shares stories about James. Embarrassing tales of his childhood mischief, teenage drama, and college disasters. The little things that made him, that led him to be the man he became. She never mentions Ivy, never brings up the engagement, never says how he’s doing now. Only the boy he was. The son she still fiercely loves. And somehow, that makes it bearable.
We gloss over my marriage and never discuss Mason. I never tell her about the dream that was crushed on New Year’s. About how I relive those moments every day. More often than not, under dark skies filled with stars or when the sun crests the horizon on quiet roads where I’m fully alone, I wonder if I made a mistake.
Otherwise, I pretend everything is fine and move through my days with laser focus, pretending I’m not a walking shadow—because I miss him so much it physically pains me.
Mason and I broached the subject of what happened on the deck once. I told him if he ever touched me again like that, I was done. But we’re still technically together. Still married. I couldn’t bring myself to face the fallout and lose the Wallises when I was already carrying so much loss, even if they aren’t the perfect family I had placed on a pedestal all these years. They’re still the only one I have.
Ivy and James’s wedding is set for December 28. Tonight is the bachelorette party. The men arrive tomorrow for the holidays, then comes the grand finale—the joyous wedding.Yay.
I’ve stayed as far removed as possible from everything leading up to this. I’ve skipped every shopping trip and family get-together. Ignored the concern in Margaret’s voice every time she paused, as if she were about to raise the subject of why I’ve shut down since last New Year’s.
But tonight, I can’t miss.
The cabin is cloaked in silence as I gingerly step inside. Pine and cloves mingle in the air. Holly and lights sparkle throughout. The place I once loved now wraps its talons around me, assaulting me with memories and images of last year. But it’s not only those memories haunting me. My disastrous phone call with Jules from a few weeks ago rises to the forefront of my mind.
Our first real fight.
