Once he finished, he held the Bible to his heart and said his evening prayer.
I don’t know where my life is going. How do I become the son my mother wants? How do I make her proud?
Chapter Three
Bernard
Monday, April 11
MONDAY MORNING BERNARDpicked up his friend and coworker, Sarah.
“You look down today. What’s wrong?” she asked.
Bernard could always confide in Sarah; they’d been close friends since high school. She was the first person he’d ever come out to, and one of the few friends who’d stood by him afterwards. She’d met her husband John at college, where she’d been on a tennis scholarship. Bernard had even acted as groomsman at their wedding two years later.
Her husband, John, was an amazing man. He was big, burly, hairy, and compassionate. John ticked all the boxes Bernard looked for in a man. He never told Sarah he found John attractive, but she knew.
“Well,” Bernard said. “It’s about what happened Friday night.”
He described the night’s events. Sarah did not interrupt his story. She allowed Bernard to express his pain.
After he finished, Sarah placed a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, Bernard. I can’t believe he would say those things. How awful.”
Bernard fought back tears as his chest tightened. He struggled to breathe. He pulled over as he hyperventilated.
“It’s okay. Deep breaths, deep breaths.” Sarah rubbed his back. “It’s going to be okay. Did you take your medication this morning?”
Bernard forced a nod. He’d been on the same anxiety medication for seven years. He’d started taking it after he broke up with his last boyfriend, Tracy. It was supposed to relieve anxiety attacks and depression. Nights like Friday proved it didn’t always work.
“How much did you drink last night?”
Bernard shook his head. “No”—breathe in—“drinks.” Breathe out.
“Okay.” She continued to rub his back.
With his breathing evened out, he balled his hands into fists. He looked at Sarah, tears threatening to release. Her green eyes gleamed back at him.
“Why are these guys so nasty?” He choked on the words. “They wanted to fuck with me. I’m just a joke to them. None of them actually want me.”
Sarah sat speechless.
“Even guys my size don’t want a guy my size. They want thin, athletic, hairless, toned, or muscular men. They want everything else, but they don’t want me!”
The tears fell. Sarah grabbed tissues from the glove compartment and handed them to him.
“I’m meant to be alone. That’s it. I have to face facts, or I’ll implode.” He blew his nose. Bernard removed his glasses to wipe his eyes.
“That place is no good for you, Bernard,” she said. “You like to sit and read. Play video games. You prefer a good sappy movie over a dance club. You don’t like those places.”
“But I can’t meet people at home. It’s the only gay club within twenty miles.”
“You need to take a break from the bar scene.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” he said, ignoring her comment.
“That place has changed you.” Her face screwed up in a grimace.
