I wanted to ask more questions. I wanted to find a solution. But I sensed that wasn’t what Halle needed. She had enough people who made her question herself. So I kept my mouth shut, giving her space. Trying to be there for her in the best way I could—for now.
There was no way Sloan knew about this, or she would’ve found a way around having Halle travel. But now that Halle was going to be acting SVP, at least temporarily, we’d have to come up with a solution for any trips that arose. In the meantime, I wanted to reassure her and keep her calm.
“When I was a kid, I developed a lot of anxiety after my parents died,” I said, wanting Halle to know that she wasn’t alone, and neither was Kai.
She turned to me, her expression one of sadness but also understanding. It made me feel safe to continue, and I found myself sharing things with her that I’d never shared with anyone outside of my family. And even then, not all of my siblings knew or understood the extent of what I’d gone through. They’d been dealing with enough of their own challenges. Their own grief.
“Anytime my grandparents left, even just for an evening, I panicked. I couldn’t fall asleep until they returned. And the entire time they were gone, I was afraid they would never come home.”
I could remember the absolute terror I felt anytime they left, even if it had been scheduled and discussed ahead of time.
“I’m sorry, Jasper.” Halle placed her hand on mine. “You were so young to have your parents ripped away from you. And so suddenly.”
I nodded. “It was hard on all of us. Sometimes I don’t know how my grandparents did it.” I blew out a breath. “They lost both their children and their spouses, all at once. They became the guardians of their five orphaned grandchildren.”
It had been a shock, and it had sent ripples through my family, affecting all of us in different ways.
“I’m sure you and your siblings are what kept them going.”
I chuckled. “We didn’t always make it easy on them.”
As the eldest, Knox had taken on the role of peacemaker. Caretaker. He always took care of us, watched out for us. Nate was just as protective in his own way.
Graham had always been brooding and serious, but hehad turned inward even more so. Sloan had been so young…she’d barely gotten to know our parents. And that was its own kind of loss. The grief of lost memories and stolen moments.
And I was the jokester, determined to make everyone laugh when all they wanted to do was cry. I was so sick of seeing them be sad. Not that I hadn’t been devastated myself—I was. But I’d made it my goal to keep my family entertained, even at my own expense.
“You miss them,” Halle said.
I nodded. “I was really close to them, especially my gran. Even before my parents’ crash, she was the one person who always seemed to get me. I took her death really hard.”
When I was in my twenties, coping with the death of my grandparents, humor had no longer been enough. When Pops and Gran had died, one right after the other, the pain and grief had been all-consuming. So, too, had the fear.
It was then I’d realized that there was nothing I could do, nothing I could learn, to prevent the death of someone I loved.
I felt as if I’d been kidding myself all along, foolishly believing that knowing how to fly an airplane would protect me. Or thinking that learning CPR would save the life of someone I loved. My grandparents’ deaths couldn’t be prevented. No one’s could.
Halle gave my hand a squeeze. Before she could pull away, I flipped my hand so it was holding hers. “I made some really stupid decisions. Ones I’m not proud of.”
I remembered how it had become easier to numb the pain. With fast cars, alcohol, late nights, and other questionable escapades. While my siblings were lauded for their achievements, I’d become known as the playboy billionaire brother.
Sometimes it grated on me—that everyone had such lowexpectations of me. But there had been a string of years when I hadn’t given anyone a reason to believe I was capable of anything else. Over time, the playboy lifestyle had certainly lost its shine, and I’d finally had to admit to myself that I wanted more out of life.
I was scared shitless of the idea of losing someone I loved, but I also didn’t want to miss out on life because I was afraid. It wasn’t until Halle that I’d felt brave enough to try.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Ishifted on the step, the cold concrete hard and unrelenting. “I think anyone who’s experienced devastating news or loss knows that grief can make you do things you might not ordinarily.” I kept my eyes on the floor. “I know that was certainly the case for me last summer.”
I was thrown back to a memory from my summer with Jasper. One of the bright spots in an otherwise dark time.
“Stay the night.” Jasper dotted kisses up my spine.
We’d spent the day in bed, kissing, laughing, exploring each other’s bodies. It had been glorious, but he was going home to LA tomorrow. And I was going back to reality.
Back to the office, where my boss, his sister, was in charge.
Back to the real world, where I didn’t have flings with billionaire hotel moguls who also happened to be my boss’s brother. I was responsible and professional, and I didn’t make reckless decisions that could ruin everything.
