If anyone was emotionally unavailable, it was me.
Jasper was the one who’d wanted to continue our relationship, and I was the one who’d pumped the brakes. Even though it had been a few years since my divorce, I wasn’t ready to jump into another serious relationship. Let alone a long-distance one with potentially explosive consequences.
And I’d been right to put a stop to things before theycould get serious. We both knew what would happen—long-distance was meant to fail. And clearly, he wasn’t willing to put in the effort. I might have ended things, but he’d let me go.
“So maybe the dating app is a good idea after all?” Zara nudged me. “You could do some research for meandfind yourself someone nice and…uncomplicated.”
“Uncomplicated.” I laughed. “Right.” That was putting it mildly. I’d slept with my boss’s brother.
I told myself it was a lapse in judgment. I’d been going through a tough time. But who was I kidding? No amount of justification or mental gymnastics would change the fact that I’d fucked my boss’s brother. And I’d fucked up.
But that was in the past. And it wasn’t going to happen again.
Itcouldn’thappen again.
“Just…” She lifted a shoulder. “Promise you’ll keep an open mind. Everything’s already set up. I even weeded out some of the guys.”
I knew Zara meant well, but I didn’t have the time or energy to date or hook up or whatever. I was moving to a new city, trying to build a new life, as I took on a new role at my company. I had enoughnew, enough changes going on right now, I didn’t need to add to them.
“Zara,” I chided. I mean, seriously? I knew she did this for her job, so it wasn’t a big deal to her but… “You have to stop meddling.”
Her gaze was piercing. “I’ll stop meddling once you’re happy.”
“Iamhappy.”
She gave me a look full of skepticism. I wanted to protest, but I wasn’t sure I could honestly admit to being happy.
I was…content.
I had a well-paying job I enjoyed. I had a great relationshipwith my boss and felt like a valued part of a team. I had Zara and my parents. And Kai was the light of my life. I had the sweetest, cutest kid on the planet. Not that I was biased.
“And I don’t need a man to be happy,” I added. I had plenty of toys to keep me feeling good.
“You’re right,” she agreed. “You don’t. And I know what you’re going to say. That you’re not ready to get back out there.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she cut me off. “But clearly you are, considering—” she waggled her eyebrows “—what you did with Jasper.”
“That was a mistake,” I said, having to force out the word even though I knew it was true. “Clearly. And even if I were ready, I don’t want to do anything that might cause even more disruption to Kai’s life. I’m already moving him away from the only home he’s ever known. Away from Craig.”
I only hoped the move to LA would help with Kai’s stomach issues. Over the past year or so, his pediatrician had shrugged off his frequent nausea and vomiting as a by-product of being a kid in day care. But I wasn’t convinced, even if Craig thought I was overreacting.
Zara scoffed. “Not sure that will be much of a loss, considering the fact that you already do the lion’s share of the parenting.” She gave me a meaningful look.
She knew how aggravated I often got with my ex; hell, she was often just as frustrated on my behalf. Even before the divorce, Craig’s attempts at co-parenting had often felt halfhearted. Sure, he gave Kai expensive gifts. But Craig wasn’t there when it mattered. He never took care of Kai when he was sick, rarely attended his school events. And when Craig had, it often felt like an attempt to appease—or, worse still, manipulate—me.
I didn’t want to discourage Kai’s relationship with his dad, but I was sick of doing all the heavy lifting while Craig got tohave all the fun. I was sick of rearranging my schedule last minute when Craig inevitably had something come up at work. I had a demanding, full-time job too. I hated having to comfort a disappointed Kai when his dad broke yet another promise.
Perhaps our new arrangement would be better than our current one. At least in the day-to-day aspects, not much would change. And maybe when Kai did visit his dad for two weeks over the summer and one week over the winter holidays, Craig would actually be more present. I only hoped that as Kai got older, Craig would make more of an effort. But that was likely wishful thinking.
“You’re right,” I said.
“I am?” Zara perked up.
“About Craig.”
And if there was one thing I’d taken away from my marriage to Craig, it was that all the pretty words and expensive gifts would never make up for a partner who wasn’t present. Or for a man who belittled me and my ideas, even if he’d done it so subtly that I’d questioned it and myself for years. No. I was better off on my own.
I grabbed a few more items from the closet, selecting a few dresses for the office. Some casual clothes for the weekends. Yoga pants. When I turned to drop them on the bed, Zara held out my phone.
“I never should’ve given you my passcode.” I reached out to take the phone from her, but she tugged my hand, pulling me down onto the bed with her. “Hey!” I laughed from my position on my stomach.
