“Definitely not.”
“Okay, but you have to promise to tell me if you get tired.”
“I realize falling and breaking my hip makes me seem like I’m a hundred and fifty and completely frail, but I really am okay.”
“You’re not okay, Ry. You had major surgery.”
“Fine. I’m not okay, exactly. My hip is throbbing, I’m on enough drugs to take down a rhino, and I can’t put any weight on my leg for the next six weeks.”
“Six to ten.”
“That’s what they said, but I plan to kick physical therapy’s ass and be back to where I was much quicker than those estimates.”
I already knew he was going to be stubborn and try to do too much too soon, so I’d have to keep reminding him to give his body a chance to heal. For now, I let him change the subject with, “Yesterday, you mentioned doing some soul searching when it came to your career. I’d like to hear about that.”
“A few things started to become clear to me while I was designing that collection. I asked myself what I really want out of my career, and you know what? The answer isn’t a lot of money, prestige, or any of the usual marks of success. That was always what other people wanted for me, and what I thought I had to achieve to prove myself to my parents, my ex, and every person who ever doubted me or didn’t take me seriously. But fuck that.”
Ryder nodded. “I’m glad you said that. So, what’s the plan?”
“I’m not sure. All I know is, I’m happiest when I let my creativity run wild, and I feel most fulfilled when I’m making prom dresses for LGBTQ kids, or sewing a pretty dress for my beautiful trans housemate, or making something for myself thatflips traditional ideas about gender. Those things make me feel like what I’m doing matters.”
“I can see why.”
“I guess it’s going to mean starting my own label, so I can make what I want,” I said. “I also want to continue donating prom dresses to young people in our community, but I want to design and custom-make them. I just have to figure out how to pay for that.”
“If you start putting your stuff online, maybe by posting clips from that fashion show, a lot of people will want to buy your clothes. Those sales could help fund the charitable side of your company.”
“Do you really think people would want to buy my stuff?”
“Of course. Your designs are incredible.” He said that like it was an absolute fact.
“I guess I’ll have to learn how to set up a business. I have no idea where to start.”
“Me neither, but between the two of us, I’m sure we’ll figure it out.”
“Definitely. First though, we have to get you back on your feet.”
Ryder’s expression fell. “These next few months are going to suck. You should go home to San Francisco and come back once I’ve healed.”
“If the situation were reversed and I was the one with a long recovery ahead of me, is there any chance at all that you’d leave and make me go through it on my own?”
“Well, no. But?—”
“But nothing. We’re facing this together, because that’s what couples do.”
He looked away and muttered, “I hate asking for help.”
“You need to get over that, Ryder. I know you’re used to being this big, strong guy, the team captain, Mr. Reliable. But it’sokay to need help, and it’s also okay to accept it when it’s offered. That’s not a sign of weakness.”
He still wasn’t looking at me, so I continued, “I know this runs deep with you. It’s pretty obvious that you’ve never wanted to rely on anyone, other than yourself. It’s why you do most of the work on the ranch, when I’m sure there are people who’d love to volunteer with the horses. You told me it took you years to hire Dwight, and he’s still just part-time because you’re more comfortable doing everything on your own. If it’s all on you, no one can let you down, right?”
When he didn’t say anything, I pressed on with, “I understand that, because I’ve always been the same way. I figured out early on that the only person I could truly count on was myself. My parents were never there for me. Not really. That became obvious when I was a scared, lonely teenager, on my own in New York and other unfamiliar places, put in all sorts of situations I wasn’t ready to handle.”
I added, as gently as I could, “Your parents weren’t there for you, either. They pawned you off on your grandparents, and while I know your grandma and grandpa adored you,youtook care ofthem, not the other way around.
“That’s a lot for a kid, and it gets in there deep—the idea that the only person we can truly rely on is ourselves. I was reminded of it later on too, when I trusted my ex enough to move in with him and start planning a future, only to have him break my heart. You got the same reminder from your ex and your former best friend.”
His eyes were full of emotion when he met my gaze, and I told him, “All of that is a long way of saying I get it. I really do. We both stopped asking for help, because it gave people the power to let us down and hurt us. But I promise I won’t let you down. I’ll be right here by your side, not just during your recovery, but from now on.”
