What’s his problem? “No, I ain’t trying to break the door, but that right there, is more fucking words than you’ve said to me in over a fucking week. You and I both know you’ve been fucking avoiding me.” I’m on a roll. I can tell he’s about to say something, so I hold my hand up and keep talking. “I know you’ve had some serious shit goin’ on, but that’s the time to lean on people whofucking care about you. I’m here. I’m here and want to be the one you can lean on. I want to be—”
Erik looks conflicted, like he’s at war with himself. He starts shaking his head and interrupts me. “I can’t…I just…this…whatever this is…I just can’t.” He could’ve slapped me, and I would’ve been less shocked.
“What the fuck are you saying, Erik? You can’t tell me you didn’t feel something…that you didn’t feel just how right it was every time we…” I quit talking and show him by leaning in and kissing him with everything I can’t put into words. I reach up to touch his cheeks as I kiss him, hoping he gets just how good things could really be between us. Before I can break the kiss, I’m shoved back and barely catch myself from falling.
“No! I can’t do this!”
What the fuck?
I can’t help but look at his lips and know he was just kissing me back as much as I was kissing him. “What the fuck are you trying to say? Are you really trying to tell me you didn’t like me holding you, kissing you, and…”
He makes a fist with both hands, and I swear his face goes from conflicted to expressionless. I know at this moment, whatever we had growing between us is gone. He’s burying it just like every other feeling he’s had this past week.
“There’s gonna be nothin’ more than friendship between us. That’sallI’m willing to offer. If you aren’t okay with it, thenit’s on you, and you’ll be throwing away our friendship. I gotta protect the family I got left and the name my parents left me.”
Erik
I watch Grant go from shocked to pissed off. He doesn’t get it. What I wanted ceased to matter when Mamma and Father died. It became my job to take care of Linnea and our family name. I have to be the man who does that. As much as I know I more than justlikehim, I just can’t. I can’t risk losing what little I have left because people can’t handle two guys together, no matter how right things felt between us. I can see Grant wants to yell and maybe even hit me. He doesn’t stop staring at me for over a minute.
“Don’t fucking use your sister as an excuse. You’re scared, plain and simple. I ain’t gonna toss our friendship away like you just tossed what we had started building between us away. Don’t fucking expect me to wait around for you to figure out what a big mistake you just made. I may come from shit, but I deserve someone who’s fucking strong enough to admit that they love me. Someday, you’re gonna realize that living your life, being afraid of whatmighthappen, ain’t no way to live. Just don’t expect me to be available when you do,friend.”
He turns around and storms off toward his bike, not giving me a chance to say anything back. What could I say? He’s not wrong,but fuck if I have it in me to call after him and tell him I’m wrong. I think I’m gonna be smacked with that reality for the rest of my life.
CHAPTER TWO
Five-ish years later
Erik
I watch as the boat gets ready to dock. Spending the last five years fishing on what was my father's old boat has taught me two things. The first is I am most definitelynota fisherman. The second, running away doesn’t change my feelings.
Grant got out of prison a couple of months ago. He wasn’t lying when he said he wasn’t going to wait around. He’s dated more than his share of women and men. Linnea told me on our last phone call that he was out and moving in with his current girlfriend. I was hoping that he was between relationships because, damn it, he was right. I can’t deny what I feel for him. I want him as much today as I did the day I spewed all that shit at him. I was scared and was hurting from losing Mamma. I know she would’ve been fine with whoever I chose to love. Father, well, his opinion would not have fucking mattered.
I get off the boat with my bags and see Mitch standing at the dock by his truck. He greets me with a nod and a grin. “You back on land for a visit, or you back for good this time?”
As soon as I reach him, I drop my bag and give him a one-armed hug. “Fuck that. I’m back for good. I may not know much, but I do know I amnota fucking fisherman. That’s not the career I want, and if I never see a crab pot again, it will be too soon.” Mitch gives me one of his classic bear hugs. “Good deal. Missed you, brother. Know all the brothers have. We’ve got a couple of prospects who seem to be good guys, too. Let’s get you over to the clubhouse. I know everyone is excited to see you.”
If only that were true. The one person I want to see the most has definitely kept me at arm's length since that day. Oh, we’re friends and get along, but it’s not the same. I know, I know. It’s all my doing, and I need to accept the consequences of my actions. You don’t need to remind me. I won’t jeopardize any relationship he’s got going on, but if he breaks things off with this newest chick, you better believe I’m gonna get my head outta my ass and say something. Probably.
You ever feel like any time you actually make a move about something in your life, it’s always the wrong one? That’s me. I mean, there’s not just everything with Grant, but work, selling the house, all of it. I don’t own anything anymore, and I have to see if Jonah’s willing to give me my job back since I know I don’t belong fishing. The question is more, wheredoI actually belong?This is the kind of shit that runs through my head all the time. I feel like the last right decision I made was to decide I absolutely did not belong up the mountain with Joseph and his people. That’s about the only thing I’ve gotten right in years.
Mitch shoves my shoulder before he starts the truck. “You gonna be stuck in your head, or you gonna actually be social now that you’re back?” He starts heading toward the clubhouse.
“I am social. I just ain’t been back long enough to be able to spend time with you jackasses.” Mitch gives me a look and then a shit-eating grin. “Sure, if that’s what you wanna tell yourself. You and I both know that’s a load of fucking bullshit. But I’ll let it slide for now ‘cause I got an ulterior motive.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. “What are you talkin’ about?” He grins again. “Well, I was talkin’ with Jonah, and he agrees. We need to get you laid and maybe help ya find a gal of your own.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes. “So my brother-in-law, who’s been head over heels for my sister for years, and my best friend, who’s engaged to one of the few amazing girls in the whole state, are going to set me up with someone? Both of you didn’t go looking for your women. They fell into your world. Even Jackson and Wyatt had Anna fall into their circle. I’ve been out on the water for years. Ain’t like mermaids are climbing onto the ship or anything. I haven’t been avoiding women, just ain’t been around none.”
Mitch turns onto the main road and continues driving, but I can see the look on his fucking face.
“You and I both know it ain’t been just you out fishin’ that’s the reason you ain’t got someone. I haven’t pushed for you to tell me, and I ain’t gonna, but I know something happened right around the time your parents died that had you running. Running from whoever made you feel something. They made you feel something so much that you’ve been running for more than five years, and we’ve barely seen you in that time. If you don’t want to tell me, fine, but, brother, it’s time to at least be fucking honest with yourself. All the guys miss you, and we all feel like you’re not really living. We want to see you happy in whatever you decide, but we can all tell you ain’t. I know neither of us are big talkers, and that’s worked for us since we met when we were twelve fucking years old, but not now. Talk to me. Tell me even one fucking thing that’s going through that mind of yours that’s closed up as tight as Fort fucking Knox.”
I can’t help but slouch in the seat and rub my hand over my face. I know he’s right. I know when I shut Grant down, I shut everyone out. I didn’t mean to, but it definitely happened. So, I spill out the first thing that comes to mind. “Think Jonah will hire me back at the shop?”
Mitch must not have expected that ‘cause he pulls over onto the shoulder and puts the truck in park. He leans back and looks over at me. “Serious? You gonna stick around?”
I nod and answer him, “Yeah. I don’t have shit figured out in my brain, but I do know I missed you guys and my sister. I also know whatever it is I’m looking for ain’t out there on the water. I want to get a job here if he can’t hire me back. I want to get a place of my own, maybe even a dog. I don’t got a lotta answers, brother, but the one thing I have figured out is I’m not going to find them out there. I missed you a lot, and I think sticking around is the thing to do. I don’t need a woman right away, but I do want to get a place I can call my own. I haven’t spent shit in the last few years, so I can probably even buy something outright.” I stop talking for a second and look back over at Mitch. He’s got a half-surprised, half-grin thing going on. “What?”
