Perian didn’t move, just turned to stare at the wall, trying not to think about anything at all.
The doctor returned and sat back down.
The couple in the next room climaxed, and Perian let the feeling fill him, still sort of shocked by how it simultaneously felt pleasant—just as good as Perianremembered—and how there was still a yawning void inside of him, because this wasn’t actually what he wanted at all, never mind if it technically fed him.
Before, he’d just been happy when people got together, happy when he had sex, happy when he observed Molun and Arvus being so tender and intimate with one another. Was that all tainted now? But if he only cared about sex and feeding, then he wouldn’t have cared if people weren’t ready to get together. He would have tried to force that connection, wouldn’t he?
Just the idea was repugnant to him, and he could imagine it no more now that he knew what he was than before when he’d been ignorant.
He didn’t just want to be fed. Sex wasn’t just about feeding. Sex was about happiness and pleasure and delight, and he wanted that for the people who were coming together.
And for him, ideally.
But now he was deliberately trying to consume this desire, the wisps that shed off people as they were in the act of sex, and the bigger boost at the culmination, when they reached that pinnacle and tumbled over it, a little bit of Perian tumbling with them.
How could something be so pleasurable and so empty at the same time?
“They’ve finished,” Perian said, because that was the best he could manage, under the circumstances. “I don’t think anything happened to them, but if you could ensure they’re fine, Doctor, I would appreciate it.”
“Of course,” she said, as though this were a perfectly normal request, and she slipped out of the room again.
She was back a moment later to confirm that they were perfectly fine.
“Thank you,” Perian said.
And that was how it worked. Another couple. One individual and then another. A couple again, then a triad. Some of them were a little nervous—he could feel that edge of uncertainty tinging the desire—but no one was categorically opposed to being there. Brannal appeared to have kept his word.
Perian hadn’t thought about the logistics at all. Was someone changing the bed linen? Were people who were on their own just spilling into a towel or something? Perian grimaced. Maybe he didn’t want to know the details. Maybe he could pretend, even if he knew it was nonsense, that each of these people was enjoying themselves in their own way, as if Perian had just accidentally been nearby at a critical moment.
Perian didn’t know where Brannal had possibly found them all, except that hedidknow some of them.
He knew Delana immediately, and he almost laughed, because she was followed by Onadal, but they went separately. There was Nisal, on their own. There were a couple of Warriors that made him think of Bennan and Chamis, and Perian wondered what the two of them would think of all of this.
Perian wasn’t going to get to hear about their travels, was he? Maybe it was just as well that he’d never know what they thought.
Alona was there from the kitchen, and she was with another woman and a man. He could feel the affection embedded in their desire, like they’d been together for some time. That was so nice. Perian couldn’t even manage a relationship with one person; he was glad they’d figured out how to make it work between them.
There was someone Perian didn’t recognize. Then Misalla, the woman whom he’d tried to save from Venoran. Oh, Perian hoped she was really all right with this. But she was alone, and her desire felt fine, a bit muted but pure.
He was shocked when he felt Arvus. He was there on his own—Perian supposed Molun couldn’t have been easily moved all the way here, and he needed to save his energy for himself. Perian couldn’t imagine why Arvus was doing this, but he knew that the man cared very much about Renny and his duty. He liked to protect people.
There were a few more people he knew, a few more he didn’t, and then—
Perian’s breath caught in his throat.
Oh.
He couldn’t decide if it was the very best thing or the absolutely worst thing that he got to feel this one more time.
He startled when a hand touched his arm.
He blinked his eyes open, not having realized he’d closed them.
“You’re crying,” the doctor said.
He could feel the tears on his cheeks now.
“It’s fine,” he said thickly.
