This had been a painful, messy conversation, and he had the feeling that the worst was still to come.
Chapter Ten
Trill
It turned out that Trill’s fantasies had been prescient, and he got to do a lot of what he wanted in the morning. (He couldn’t sayeverythingbecause his list was pretty exhaustive and couldn’t possibly be accomplished in one morning. Or even several mornings, actually. He liked sex, all right? A lot. But it was several more checks off that long list.) Molun and Arvus hadbeen entirely happy about having sleepy sex with him, cleaning him up in the water closet, taking him out to the sitting room and feeding him actual food—and then Arvus had leaned him over the table and used his mouth and fingers on Trill’s ass before Molun sucked him.
Trill shivered happily.
It was lots of wonderful sex, and Trill had kept a hold of himself; he hadn’t fed on any of that satisfaction or desire. It was so different from what he’d thought might happen. He’d worried a little that he might need to make a discreet exit, like they’d just be done with him once they’d had sex. He wasn’t even sure why he’d worried that; they seemed like wonderful people, entirely open about what they liked.
While Arvus had to head off to some Mage Warrior training—ooh, Trill wondered what Mage Warrior training looked like!—Molun said he had some reading to do for the morning.
“I don’t suppose you’d like to keep me company?” he asked hopefully.
Trill beamed at the man. “I’d be happy to do that.”
Once he’d learned that Trill didn’t know any of the Old Tongue, he asked what Trill liked. He’d laughed, but not in a mean way, when Trill had confessed that silly novels were his favorite—he liked the happy endings—and he’d escorted Trill all the way to the library so he could pick out a book he’d enjoy.
He’d been slow on the stairs, but he’d been determined, and one look at his face had told Trill it wouldn’t be helpful to say that they didn’t need to go. He’d brought his cane today, although it didn’t look to Trill like he was leaning on it very heavily, which was good. Trill would figure out how to touch him some more and keep up that slow, incremental, safe healing.
He wanted Molun to be happy, and he could see that while he wasn’t happy with his injured leg, he wasn’t happy being restricted by it, either; if they simply avoided occasions wherehis leg needed to be used, that didn’t make it better. Molun signed out several books for Trill once he’d made his selection. (He’d almost picked at random, in the end, because the selection wasso big. He’d never seen a library as enormous as this, and he was delighted that there were romance novels in addition to serious Mage Warrior books.)
And then they carried their bounty back to the room, Trill apologizing for not being able to carry Molun up the stairs.
This made Molun laugh, and some of the strain disappeared from his face.
“Yes, well, we can’t all be Arvus, can we?”
Trill shook his head. “I mean, I know I look all right, but the two of you and all the muscles areamazing.”
“You look more than all right,” Molun assured him, still looking amused. “And it takes a lot of training to be a Mage Warrior. I actually used to look, uh, more muscled than I am right now.” He seemed to make a conscious effort to push those thoughts aside. “But I’m working on getting fit again.”
Trill scoffed. “You mustnotthink I look more than all right if you thinkyoudon’t look fit.”
Molun laughed again. “Oh, we’re always more critical of ourselves than anyone else, aren’t we?”
Trill shrugged, and then nodded after a moment. “I suppose we are. I don’t care much about how people think I look… maybe because I think I look good? Which makes me seem very conceited, doesn’t it?”
But he’d genuinely never worried. If he wanted someone, he could usually get them. To the best of his knowledge, he’d never had anyonenotlike the way he looked if they were someone that he chose to pursue. He pondered this. Did he instinctively not pursue those who didn’t like him? Was Yannoma right, and there was actually no one he couldn’t get if he put his mind toit? He paid attention to everyone’s desire, though, so perhaps hedidnaturally get attracted to those who were attracted to him.
Molun was laughing. “It makes you sound confident, and that’s not a bad thing.”
Trill smiled back at him. “Thank you for that.” His smile faded. “Sometimes I’m not… My mother wasn’t a very happy person, and she didn’t… like me very much, sometimes.”
The amusement fell off Molun’s face with what would have been comical abruptness under other circumstances.
“Oh, Trill, I’m sorry.”
Trill shook his head. “No, it’s all right. She’s gone now. Grandmother, too. They liked to blame me or one another for the bad things that happened in their lives. I like to make people happy—even though I know that I’m not actually to blame for what happened to my family.” Trill cleared his throat. “So, really, all I was trying to say was that I understand what you mean about being hard on ourselves. It seems to be more difficult, somehow, to give ourselves grace.”
Molun squeezed Trill’s shoulder, and they resumed walking.
“Still, I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like it must have been difficult growing up.”
“It wasn’t easy, sometimes,” he agreed. “But it wasn’t terrible, either. Mother had her better days. We managed—until we didn’t, anyway. It was worse with Grandmother, but then Father came and got me.”
“So you live with your father?” Molun asked.
