He looked embarrassed, and Cormal wanted to pull him into a hug.
“To be honest,” Cormal admitted, “I hadn’t really thought about it myself. I guess I lack imagination.”
Kinan shot him a scorching look. “I can attest to the fact that your imagination isn’t lacking in any way.”
Cormal laughed, feeling his cheeks heat faintly. “Thank you.”
And that was yet one more reason to try to apologize to Brannal and Perian. If they actually listened, Cormal would ask about the book and try to get a copy for Kinan. He’d been restricted for so long, and he should get whatever he wanted.
Not that long ago, Cormal would have taken that book as another indication that Brannal had been seduced by a carnalion. Now… well, now he rather thought he understood being besotted with someone, and he was impressed with Brannal’s creativity.
“I’m sorry,” Kinan said, snapping Cormal out of his thoughts. “Does it bother you when I talk about Brannal and Perian like that?”
Cormal frowned. “No, I’ve been—IthoughtI was being better about that.”
But Kinan was shaking his head. “You’ve been really good about them. I mean… does it bother you when I talk about them like a… acouple.”
Oh.
Cormal blew out a breath. “You know, I assumed it would? Idocare very much for Brannal, but it’s been an embarrassingly long time since we were together, and it was only for a very short time when we were teenagers. We were never meant tobe together, and deep down, I think I knew that, but of course, I didn’t acknowledge it. I’ve had to acknowledge a lot of things recently, and honestly, that’s really the least of it.”
It felt a bit weird and oddly freeing to make that confession. Cormal still cared about Brannal, and he was sure that he always would, but he wasn’tin lovewith him.
Kinan was so good at listening, at giving Cormal the chance to speak his mind—and Cormal made sure that he was listening, too, encouraging the man to talk about anything and everything. To try to make up, in a small way, for all the years where so few people had heard him.
Kinan also asked a lot of questions, and he seemed to like to hear Cormal’s opinions on pretty much everything. And despite the fact that Kinan should be filled only with judgment towards Cormal, he wasn’t. Oh, he would tell Cormal when he thought that he was being an ass, and he would call him on being stupid or mean or unkind, though Cormal really was trying to be better about that. But just like he’d said back in the beginning, that wasn’teverything. He’d made space for Cormal to be more, and as a result, Cormalwasmore.
Cormal had space now to reveal those other parts of himself, to not wear so much armor, to work on being his better self.
He felt so privileged to be with this man—who in his turn, seemed grateful that Cormal was looking at him and seeing him and being with him. Cormal found himself constantly amazed by how well they fit together, as well as altogether certain that Cormal was getting the better deal. Did everyone feel this way in a relationship? The only person he might be able to ask was Delana, and Cormal wasn’t quite ready to go there. Was it selfish to want to keep Kinan to himself? Probably.
He carefully raised the issue, because the last thing he wanted was for Kinan to think he washidinghim. There were all sorts of reasons why it made sense for Kinan not to want to sharethat he was involved with a Mage Warrior—especiallythisMage Warrior—but Cormal wanted to make sure Kinan had choices.
Kinan shook his head immediately. “I don’t want to try to explain it to anyone yet. They’re not going to be looking at you and me, they’re going to be thinking about how it’s physically impossible. They’re going to ask nosy questions, and we’re either going to have to explain like it’s any of their business or seem like we’re hiding something—and suddenly it’s all become this theory up for debate about whether or not we can actually be together when I can’t touch anyone, and it’s not about us being people at all!”
That was not, at all, what Cormal had been thinking. That almost made it sound like Kinan would happily and proudly announce to the world that he was with Cormal. Which was kind butridiculous. But he did understand what Kinan was saying. This was one of the sweet man’s pain points, and given the way the rumor mill worked at the castle, he wasn’t wrong.
So Cormal was happy to spend private time with Kinan whenever he could, and happy to introduce him to all the ways he could think of that they could pleasure one another by touching themselves.
And in any other spare moment that he had, he was still reading through all those dry-as-dust magic books.
He’d meant it when he said he wouldn’t stop looking. Even if it meant that Kinan would be able to touch others again and he realized that Cormal was really not the best bet. Once he had the whole world open to him, Cormal would happily step aside and watch him spread his wings. It would hurt, but all he wanted was for Kinan to be happy.
It also pushed Cormal to advance with that most important apology. Even if it was going to end badly, he couldn’t have it weighing him down anymore. He needed to beg them for help, and he couldn’t do that if he didn’t apologize.
He made sure that Livala was feeling comfortable and settled in, that she was confident enough to join the rest of the novices, and that she felt safe with the Water Mages in an emergency.
“I can still spark if I get startled or upset,” she confessed with a frown.
“A few weeks ago,” Cormal said, “when I was startled, I threw a fireball down the corridor.”
She snorted, because they’d had plenty of conversations about his temper. Thankfully, her shoulders unbunched, just as he’d hoped.
His lips tipped up. “So, yes, this is definitely an occasion of ‘do as I say, not as a do.’ I’m the prime example of why it’s important to learn to properly control your temper from the beginning.”
Instead, Cormal had sort of… subsumed his temper because he’d never been willing to stand up to his father, and he’d let it out explosively when he was alone. In retrospect, it was a terrible precedent to set. How had he never thought about that before? Shaking the thought away for the moment, he focused on Livala.
“It’s completely understandable that you’re still causing sparks occasionally. That’s a perfectly natural reaction to a magic you’re just learning to control. But youarelearning. You’ve gained so much control in the time you’ve been here. I believe in you.”
