I let out a frustrated sigh as I open the folder on my computer drive. If anyone told me that reports and paperwork would be a big part of my day-to-day life working in the private sector, I’d probably have jumped off a cliff instead. I know Cole mentioned paperwork, but I apparently glazed over when he was telling me how much. My bad. Now I just want to bang my head on my desk over and over until I forget that reports and filing are even a thing.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration. Sort of. Maybe. Okay, not at all. Why are reports like pulling teeth? I can’t stand them. I should make Sean finish this since he left me to do all the bullshit legwork on last week’s assignment. He owes me that much, but the truth is, I have nothing better to do. And isn’t that just pathetic?
After Sean and I went out to dinner the other night, I felt better, more like my old self, but still, I didn’t want to be out and about every night. There’s something about going out when MacKenzie can’t that feels unfair, or a little bit like a betrayal. I know she doesn’t want me sitting at home pining for her, but still, I just don’t want to do much. It feels weird living my life while hers is on hold.
My email pings with new messages, and I open the app on my desktop. The first is from HR.
FROM:[email protected]
Subj: travel itinerary
Here are your plane tickets and schedule for your next assignment.
My next case is a solo one. I just left the meeting with Mark Dixon, where he handed me a folder and told me to pack my bags for the San Diego office. Maybe some time at the beach will make me feel more grounded. Or maybe staying in her space will. I need to reconnect with her in some way or another. I don’t know. All I do know is that I’m ready for a change. I need to find my balance if we’re going to survive this deployment and all the ones that will come after it, because there’s no way MacKenzie will ever give up the sky, and I love her so much I would never ask her to.
The next email is from MacKenzie.
FROM:[email protected]
Subj: payphone
Hi. I just got back from PT and I had a chance to hit the computers. I just wanted to say hi and that I… miss you. I hope everything is good, and I’ll talk to you soon.
Today was a good day. I should get a chance to hit the payphone and call in the next day or so.
-M
I wish she would tell me more. Not about the deployment or her missions, because I know she can’t. Been there, done that, and I’ve got multiple T-shirts to prove it. Call me a girl, but I want to know what she’s thinking, how she’s feeling. I want her to tell me that she feels the same way I do, and isn’t that just ridiculous?
I quickly type back an email, hoping that it encourages her to open up a little more when she can.
FROM:[email protected]
Subj: RE: payphone
Everything is good here. I’m headed back to the condo to do some work on that coast. I’m enjoying it. So far, the work is interesting for sure. Maybe I’ll even get a little surfing in. The beach reminds me of you and happy times. Be safe, and I’ll make sure I’m available for your call.
And I miss you too, MacKenzie.
-K
Then I close down my computer, grab my bag, and head out of the office. I toss the duffle in the back seat of my SUV and climb in. Traffic on the way to the airport is ridiculous. I thought Southern California traffic was awful, but I had clearly forgotten how bad it can be on the east coast.
I park in the long-term lot and grab my bag from the back seat before locking it up. I check my bag at the ticket counter and make my way through security. I stop to buy a cup of coffee and a newspaper from one of the shops in the terminal and wait for my plane.
My flight is uninteresting, and when I land, I catch an uber to the condo where Mack’s car and my old truck sit in the garage until we figure out what we’re doing and where we’re going. I change into a pair of board shorts, grab my board, and hit the beach.
The water is even colder this time of year, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. In fact, it grounds me to the here and now. I let the saltwater waves batter against me, and the sting feels good on my skin. It helps release the pent-up pressure just under my skin. Like a balloon with a pinhole leak.
After a few hours, I finally feel a little bit like myself again. I leave the water, sit on the beach, and watch the sunset over the water, and I let myself remember the night I sat in the sand just like this with MacKenzie. Sitting between my legs, wrapped up in me, and how I told her that I would wait, that she was worth it, that we were worth it.
I let her words from weeks earlier wash over me and reinvigorate me. Being the one left behind is hard, but if anyone can do it, it’s a goddamn SEAL, right? Right.
