“I’m not comfortable with that.” The nerves rushing through me demand space, but I don’t want to shove her off my lap like some kind of asshole.
“Comfortable with a blow job?” Nash verifies, an unsure tone to his voice like he can’t actually believe I’m turning it down from our woman.
The anxiety rushing through me makes it too hard to keep any eye contact with either one of them, it’s not even a conscious thought to stare at my lap. My cheeks heat, and I wish I hadanythingin my hands to fiddle with. Instead, I end up picking at the sequins on Raina’s opening costume.
“I don’t want to pressure you into telling us something you’re uncomfortable with,” Raina starts. She climbs from my lap to kneel in front of me, probably sensing my need for space. “But if you don’t mind, I’d like to know why. It’s clearly something deeper behind your reluctance than simply not wanting one.”
Bringing my hands onto my lap now that they have nothing else to do, I find one of the sequins stuck to my finger. Using my nail, I flick it back and forth along the edge. What I wouldn’t do for some kind of fidget item right now.
“I have a big dick,” I mumble.
Nash laughs and Raina has an equally amused tone when she says, “Yeah, that became quite obvious the first time I saw you in gray sweatpants.”
Admittedly, it was a funny thing to say, I can’t really blame them for finding amusement when I’m torn up inside. “Well...” My words seem to get stuck in my throat, and I have to swallow past the lump to continue. “When I was in highschool my girlfriend and I decided to share our first times. You hearabout it being horrible all the time, the guy blowing his load too quickly, the woman never coming due to his lack of experience.”
I glance up and spot Keaton frozen in place. He isn’t even tapping out a rhythm quietly on his leg, he’s giving my story the respect of listening quietly, but what I appreciate the most is that he isn’t staring at me, it gives me the confidence to keep going.
“I wish my first time was horrible because of that. It was much, much worse. Horrifying really.” I run a hand over my face, willing the memories to not play across my mind in vivid reality. “My girlfriend knew to expect the pain from her cherry, we both did, and I swear I went slow to let her stretch around me. But I barely got a couple of inches in before she was pushing against me, screaming and crying in so much pain. She grabbed her clothes and ran from the room.”
Images flash behind my closed eyelids, replaying the horror, and I swear I can hear her sobs echoing in my ears. “Her brothers were home. It only took them one glance before they were kicking my ass. I’m lucky I made it out of there with only a black eye, bruised jaw, and split lip.”
Raina sucks in a sharp breath, clearly hating the sound of me getting hurt. She reaches out a hesitant hand, wanting to comfort me but not knowing if I’d accept it. Somehow I find it calms the chaos trying to rip out of my chest. I grasp her hand in mine, soothing my thumb over her knuckles.
“The next woman I was with had roughly the same reaction. This time she was on top and dropped herself on my dick. She immediately rolled off sobbing, both hands holding her pussy. She wasn’t a virgin, but her hand came away with blood on it. I’m fairly certain something ripped.”
This time I’m able to meet Raina’s gaze, needing her to understand how much I want her, but I can’t have her. “My cock is a fucking monster, it rips women apart, destroying them andcausing too much pain. I can’t bear to see that happen to you, too.”
Her eyes are filled with unshed tears for my pain, making me cherish her all the more, but it’s Nash who speaks up. “Surely you’ve had someone who turned out to be a good experience, they can’t all be bad. You have women clinging to you all the time after shows.” He glances at Raina and quickly adds, “Well, you used to. Now you have our girl to chase them off.”
I can’t help but scoff. “You mean all the women who were only after me for my monster cock? Not a single one of them wanted me for me.” I groan, hating to admit it. “First, my junk is too big to fit anyone, then they only want me because of it. Fuck, I’m not sure why, but it broke something in me. I know I shouldn’t have a hang up when it comes to sex. But I do. It’s paralyzing.”
Palming Raina’s hand between both of mine, I lean forward. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want the size of my dick to scare you away. You mean too much to me to lose,” I whisper, my voice raspy with emotion.
She’s on me before the words are fully out of my mouth. Her hands frame either side of my face and she kisses me. It’s not a deep, open mouthed one, but it’s still filled with passion.
“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be here no matter what. If you want to push off having sex, then I’m fine with that. I want you to be comfortable.” Her comforting promises do little to calm my worry, though.
“What if you can’t take it? If it hurts too bad?” My voice wobbles with the question, but I’m too concerned about her answer to be embarrassed by it.
“If that happens, then I’ll still be here. There are plenty of other ways to be intimate without penetration.” She brushes her lips against mine again before wrapping me in a hug and squeezing me tight.
“Toys are man’s best friend. Typically said for using them on your woman, but that doesn’t mean the reverse isn’t true.” Nash grins and gives me a wink. “So how does getting a blowjob play into your fears? Let’s figure this out so we can get a warm mouth on that monster of yours.”
It doesn’t pass my notice that he didn’t specify whose mouth that would be. I level him with a serious stare. “If it can’t fit in a pussy, what makes you think it can fit in a mouth?”
Raina releases me at the sound of Nash’s bark of a laugh. We both can’t help but watch him when he’s so joyful. “No offense, babe,” he says to Raina, running a hand over her back affectionately. He turns his attention to me, smoldering me with a sexy grin. “Our woman has a huge mouth, it’s part of why she can sing so well. I bet she could get her lips around your cock.”
I instinctually glance at Raina’s lips, I can’t help it, not with the visual now in my head. Her tongue darts across the plumpness and an eagerness fills her eyes.
“I—I don’t know,” I mumble, licking at my own lips.
Keaton stands, gaining my attention. “I’ll guard.” He nods his head toward the door, using as few words as he can to get his point across. It takes me a moment to realize he’s already concluded that I’ll give in…
Raina shines her brilliant smile on him. “Thanks, big guy.”
Time seems to stand still as we all watch him walk through the door to guard the other side. I’m still staring at where he disappeared when Raina grasps my face again and kisses me. I lose myself in her, gliding my hand up her back until I’m able to thread my fingers through her hair to hold her closer.
Her soft lips glide along mine like silk, and her tongue begs to dance with mine. When we’re out of breath, she barely pulls away enough to say, “Say no if you don’t want it, but I really want to suck on your dick.” Her bottom lip bumps against mine in a pout, and her eyes implore me to give her what she wants.To surrender myself to her, and let her heal the hurt I’ve been carrying for far too long. This is about me, and nothing to do with a fixation on how big the weapon in my pants is.
