He clicks open a Word doc titled“Why I Am Destined to Drive the Meat Chariot.”
Dear Oscar Mayer Recruitment Team,
We are lifelong hot dog enthusiasts with a deep, borderline spiritual appreciation for the Wienermobile. Though we may be slightly outside the recent graduate window (give or take two decades), we bring with us a wealth of experience in life, love, and loading a bun under pressure.
One of us (Stiles) once ate fourteen chili dogs in under an hour, and the other (McCormick) once cried during a Wienermobile appearance at a county fair and then shook the Hotdogger’s hand and said “thank you for your service.” Healso drove six hours round trip just to take a selfie with the Wienermobile in a Walmart parking lot.
We ran a hot-dog-themed Instagram meme account that reached 12,000 followers before it was flagged for “excessive enthusiasm.” So we understand the power of public engagement and are prepared to represent your brand with unmatched passion, flavor, and mustard-forward energy.
Also, we both own hot-dog attire. Multiple items. No additional wardrobe needed.
Respectfully yours,
E. McCormick & B. Stiles
Aspiring Hotdoggers / Agents of the Bun
I stare at it for a long moment. “That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever read.”
He grins. “Right?”
“…Add a P.S. about how we survived the Slaw Dog’s victory party.”
He types quickly.
P.S.We personally witnessed the Slaw Dog’s triumph at the Wienie 500 and did not cry. (We cried.)
“Submitted,” he says.
“You’re joking.”
“I’m not. If we get an interview, I’m renting a suit shaped like a corn dog.”
I lean back in my chair, sighing like a man at the end of a long journey made of nitrates.
“Well,” I say, “if they do call, we’re gonna need to learn how to parallel park a 27-foot wiener.”
Stiles raises his coffee mug. “To our glorious future, brother.”
I clink mine against his.
To buns, speed, and dreams that refuse to die.
I’m elbows-deep in a jar of pickled jalapeños, trying to figure out if they’ve expired or just developed an attitude, when my phone rings.
Unknown number. Chicago area code.
I answer like a man with nothing to lose. “McCormick, part-time content creator, full-time miracle.”
The voice on the other end is bubbly. Alarmingly bubbly.
“Hi! This is Erin from the Oscar Mayer Hotdogger Program. Is this McCormick... and Stiles?”
I freeze. “Who’s asking?”
Stiles looks up from the couch, where he’s teaching himself how to juggle condiment bottles. I mouth,IT’S THEM.
The voice continues, “We loved your cover letter. Like… loved it. Corporate printed it out and hung it in the Wienermobile garage. We’ve never had anyone describe themselves asagents of the bunbefore.”
