Pharo steps forward first, shoulders rolling like he’s possessed by the spirit of Beyoncé. His King Tut robe flares dramatically with every spin, and he ends with a flawless moonwalk into a pose that screams,bow before me.
The crowd loses it. Even Valor hisses approvingly from the sidelines.
Jax, undeterred, leaps into action. He flails his arms like helicopter blades, spinning wildly across the court. He attempts a cartwheel—fails spectacularly—and lands in a crouch, pointing finger guns at the crowd.
“I think he justcrashed,” Nash mutters, sipping his punch.
Winner: Pharo, obviously.
ROUND 2: Tex vs. Mandy
Tex starts strong, shaking his padded Dolly cleavage to the beat of “Ghostbusters.” He throws in some hip thrusts and a spin so dramatic, his wig almost flies off.
Mandy, dressed as Shania Twain, sighs heavily and steps up. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
“You got this, Big Guy!” Tex shouts.
Mandy surprises everyone. His footwork is sharp, his spins precise, and his rhythm flawless. He even pulls off a risky split, sliding into it like a pro.
The gym goes wild.
Tex, laughing, holds up his hands. “I concede. The cowboy wins.”
Winner: Mandy.
FINAL ROUND: Stiles vs. McCormick
McCormick, still in the bun costume, waddles forward, arms out like he’s trying to balance on a tightrope. He attempts a robot—terribly—and then ends with an awkward dab. The crowd boos. Someone throws a Twizzler.
“Buns can’t move,” Nash calls. “You’re just bread. Accept it.”
Stiles, in the hot dog suit, smirks. “Watch and learn.”
He starts with a body roll—yes, in the foam suit—and it somehow works. He transitions into a twerk so aggressive, one end of the mustard stripe falls off. Then he finishes with a full-on breakdance spin, the hot dog spinning in a blur of meat and glory.
The gymerupts.
Winner: Stiles.
The Championship: Rhett vs. Brandt
The lights dim. The fog thickens. The playlist shifts to"I Put a Spell on You."The gym falls silent as Rhett, in his Scarlett O’Hara gown, takes the floor. He glides gracefully, hoop skirt swishing, then snaps into a flawless Charleston that makes even Tex gasp.
Brandt steps up in his Maverick costume, clearly feeling the pressure. He whips off his aviators, does a surprisingly decent moonwalk, and then attempts a high kick.
His shoe flies off and hits the vending machine.
The gym explodes in laughter. Even Rhett can’t keep a straight face.
Winner: Rhett, by a landslide.
The fog machine gives out just as “Somebody’s Watching Me” starts playing for the fourth time. People are lying on the bleachers in fits of laughter. Nash’s cat is licking punch from the bowll. Stiles and McCormick are arguing about who therealwinner is.
Brewer, still in his Sexy Nurse outfit, staggers into the middle of the court and yells, “I declare this gym a hauntednoodle zone!”
Nobody knows what that means, but everyone cheers anyway.
McCormick leans into his meat man. “Let’s go home and play barbeque.”
