Am I safe here? I’ve felt like I was this whole time, but damn… If simply hearing Brenna’s name can send me into a panic attack, am I really safe anywhere? I take a measured step back, my eyes still closed tight, all my focus going into keeping my breaths even. Arms wrap around my middle, Joss’s small body pressing into the back of mine.
The image of a koala wrapped around a tree flashes in my mind. Maybe my brain isn’t broken if that’s what it’s conjuring up at this moment.
She stands there, holding me close. I have no words for the gratitude I have for her at this moment. The only other person who’s witnessed me in this state is Rory, and though she was as helpful as she could be, I think I prefer Joss’s methods better.
“Well—” I break off as my throat catches around the raw emotion running through my body. My mouth feels sticky and my throat is dry. I swallow and try again. “When I said we should talk, this was not how I saw the conversation going.”
There you go, Wes, deflect with humor.I can feel her smile against my back, but she doesn’t laugh. I turn in her arms, needing to see her—even if it’s pity I’ll see written on her face.
But when I open my eyes and look down at her, it’s only concern and care staring back.
“I’m sorry, Wes, I shouldn’t have—”
I cut her off with a finger to her lips. God, they’re soft. I appreciate their ability to distract me, if only for a second.
“No, it’s not your fault, you had no idea I’d react that way. Fuck,Ihad no idea I’d react that way.” The air I attempt to blow out of my lungs is stilted and weak. “Can we sit? I need to sit.”
Her arms loosen, but instead of letting her go, I just collapse into the patio chair, taking her with me so that she’s sitting across my lap. It creaks and groans under our weight, and I send up a prayer that it holds strong. This is not thefriendliestposition, but I’m not ready to let go of her comfort yet.
“Hearing her name caught me off guard,” I say, trying to play it off.
I look at Joss’s furrowed brow and feel the moment tilt and expand. Iwanther to understand. Resting against the back of the chair, I find myself wishing for the starry sky in Tahoe.
“Brenna…” I barely get her name out, my voice shaking over the two syllables. It’s the first time I’ve said it in so long, and it feels like acid on my tongue. I clear my throat and start again. “Brenna was my girlfriend, which I’m guessing Talia told you. Did she tell you what happened?”
“She told me she left… after the crash. After Bobby.”
I snort out a sardonic laugh.
“Yeah, I guess that’s true. But that’s not the whole story.” I can’t look at her while I talk about this, so I just keep staring out at the skyline. “I haven’t let myself think about her much less talk about her since she left. Fuck, why is this so hard?”
I squeeze my eyes closed and focus on the soft feel of her fingers trailing across my chest. Back and forth, back and forth. Soft and supportive, just like when I opened up about Bobby. Remembering how safe she made me feel then keeps me going.
“I never wanted a girlfriend. Being in a relationship had never appealed to me. I moved around too much, and my parents were far from a glowing example. But being the only single pilot in our squadron was lonely, and I was staring down the barrel of another deployment. Everyone would be getting packages and letters and calendar squares from their significant others, and I just… I didn’t want to do it alone. Again.”
I wish I could skip all of this, but it needs to be said. I want Joss to understand.
“Brenna just kind of happened. I’m not proud of it, but I started dating her because it was convenient, and she loved the idea of being there for me in those ways. I didn’t see the cracks at first. Like how we functioned better as a couple when we were oceans apart. Then Bobby…” I have to clear my throat again as it catches on his name. Joss hears it and gives me a nod, encouraging me to go on.
“When Bobby died and I was flown to the hospital in Hawaii, she didn’t come. That should have been the breaking point. I went through three surgeries and was there long enough to start PT. Breck came. Rory came. Even my egotistical, self-centered parents came. She always had an excuse.”
The tension in Joss’s face does little to mask the fury behind her eyes. If she’s mad now, it will only get worse.
“Something that started as a convenience had turned into me relying on her support. She was different when I finally made it home though. I couldn’t fly for the first six months because of my injuries, but she was always pushing me to get back in the jet. Like it was a bike that I needed to get back on. It was always veiled as encouragement, support, but I see it now for what it was.” My lip curls in disgust, the words tasting sour in my mouth.
Sitting here with a quiet Joss in my lap, her hand on my chest and empathy on her face, highlights the difference between true support and the warped version I got from Brenna.
“I only made it back up in a jet once. Due to my struggles with PTSD and a few of the lingering issues with my knee, flying didn’t feel the same. I couldn’t do it anymore. When I told her that I was done flying, at least in the capacity she knew, she told me I was acoward.” I have to hold back a flinch at the word. “She said she couldn’t be with a man who would give up on his dreams so easily.”
Fuck, it hurts to remember how quickly it became apparent that she was with me for all the wrong reasons. She wanted the prestige that came with my career, but she didn’t really wantme.
“That last tether of support suddenly snapped. It was good that I was already done flying because I spiraled even worse after that. I’d trusted her, needed her at the worst time in my life, and she abandoned me. Her leaving solidified for me that people will tell you that they love you whether they mean it or not. That trusting someone to take care of your heart is foolish.”
My brain is a wreck, struggling against these ideas even as I say them aloud for the first time. Is this really how I feel? Do I believe this still? That solid wall I built feels on the verge of collapse, and I’m not sure what to do with that.
“I’d just lost my best friend, the career I loved. Losing my girlfriend and the support that went with it right after was the universe solidifying those beliefs. It fucked with my head, and I developed some trust issues. Obviously.” I stop and laugh sardonically, but Joss remains silent, still rubbing my chest in that soothing motion. “I haven’t gone on a single date since. I swore off relationships and decided it was best to learn to take care of myself rather than be vulnerable with someone like that again.”
Joss pauses her movements. God, I just word-vomited all over her. I tilt my head slightly only to find silent tears tracking down her face.
