The door clicks shut and I turn to face Joss who is rooted to the spot.
“Hey, sweetheart. Come here.”
She doesn’t make a move toward me, so I close the distance instead, taking her into my arms. Her body feels stiff, and she’s not sinking into me the way I’ve grown accustomed to. It’s almost like we aren’t touching at all despite being close enough for me to feel her breaths and the beat of her heart.
“Joss? Are you okay?” I whisper against her hair.
Her hands find my pecs and she resists the pressure of my hand on her back. I release her, sensing she needs space, but it hurts like a physical blow. If only I could read her mind. I want so badly to know what’s going on inher head.
“Yeah. I, uh… I need to go change. These jeans are dirty.” Her eyes are downcast, looking anywhere but at me as she speaks.
My brain reels, trying to come up with a reason for the chasm growing between us with each second that passes.
“Right, okay, yeah. You didn’t really drink your coffee, want to get brunch after? Get out of the house for a bit.”
“Sure. I’ll, uh, bring your hoodie back over for you. Thanks for…” She stops, clearing her throat like it’s hard to speak to me, studiously picking at the hem. “For letting me borrow it.”
I reach for her, unable to hold back any longer. Her chin tips up when my fingers slide along it. The usual fire in her eyes isn’t there. I haven’t seen it since her parents arrived, and I want it back. Because right now, she’s looking at me like I’m a stranger, not the man who had her flat on her back in bed this morning.
“You can keep it if you want.” I’m not sure I’m talking about just the sweatshirt, but I continue. “I like you in my hoodie, Grey.”
What I don’t say isI like you in my everything. In my house, in my clothes, in my shower, in my bed. I don’t know where her head’s at right now, but I know it’s definitely not a place where she’s ready to hear that. Being in that headspace is new and terrifying for me too, and I’m at a loss for what to do.
She nods, the faintest pink stretching up her neck to her cheeks like she could somehow hear my thoughts. But even that blush doesn’t loosen the knot tightening in my chest with every passing moment. As it wraps itself taut, it’s like I lose my grip on something else. Something I’m not sure I ever really held.
She pulls her chin from my hand, turning for the door, and walks away without a word. The snap of it closing reverberates throughmy empty apartment, my empty chest, because I’m pretty sure my heart just walked out that door with her.
My feet carry me toward my closet, but I detour to the shower. The wet towel Joss used hangs beside mine and my fingers brush against it like maybe I can absorb the feel of her body from it. Shaking my head, I strip down and turn the water as hot as I can stand it.
By the time I’m done, I feel infinitely more human. I had a good pep talk with myself about how Joss just needs time to sort her feelings out, that she’s in shock from seeing her dad after almost two decades. Everything will be back to normal soon. It will all be fine.
I walk out of my closet in jeans and a black Henley and hear Joss moving around my apartment.She came back.
“Hey there, beautiful,” I say as I walk down the hall.
She takes me in, from my bare feet to my wet tousled hair. There’s a small smile playing across her lips, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Hey yourself.”
She’s still in my sweatshirt, the dark jeans from yesterday replaced with a pair of light wash ripped ones that I like even more. She has tennis shoes on and her hair is tied atop her head. She looks fresh, and I notice her cheeks have more color.
“Ready for some coffee and food?” I ask.
“Yeah. I was just tidying up while I waited for you to get out of the shower.”
“What? Didn’t want a repeat of the last time you came over while I was showering?” I wag my eyebrows at her.Come on, Joss, play with me.
She tucks her chin, eyes averted, but she can’t hide her blush. At least that’s something.
“Shall we go?” I extend my hand to her, hoping beyond hope that she’ll take it. She finally looks at me and our eyes lock. Blue and grey, like a stormy sky.Take it, Joss, I implore her. Please.
She does, and my heart soars.
We’re both caffeinated, fed, and less on edge when we walk back into my place a few hours later. We stopped by the store so Joss could stock her fridge, and I was shocked how doing such a mundane chore with her like getting groceries felt so natural. I’ve never had an easy relationship. Nothing ever felt effortless with Brenna; it was always an uphill battle. Joss and I aren’t even a real couple, but our forty-eight-hour fake relationship feels more real than anything I ever had with my ex.
The question I keep coming back to now, in between our bouts of conversation, is whether a real relationship is what I want. I haven’t ever been interested in settling down. My parents were never a great example of a loving marriage. My lifestyle in the military didn’t feel conducive to a stable relationship. To be fair, my lifestylenowdoesn’t feel all that stable either.
Joss deserves someone who will be her rock, who’s there for her. Can I be that person? I don’t even know how to be that person for myself, let alone for someone else. If I were ever going to try though, it would be for her. She’s so much more to me thanmy friendly neighbor, but am I enough for her? Am I the kind of man that she needs? That she wants?
It’s really not helping that she’s been withdrawn since her parents left. I’m gathering she needs to do this on her own. And that would be okay, I could give her the space to do that even though it would kill me, but ever since she told me about them, we’ve been a team. Now I feel like she’s adrift in the middle of the chaos, and even though I want to pull her onto my life raft, she won’t take my hand.
