“Jeez, Rory, way to make me all misty-eyed,” I say with a weak smile. “I get what you’re saying, I do. She hasn’t had a lot of people who were there for her throughout her life, you know? She hasn’t gotten the love she deserves. Even though that’s exactly what I want to give her, she’s skittish and has trust issues. I think that’s been on her mind from the beginning. That I’m temporary.”
I rub at my eyes. Saying these things out loud for the first time makes them real. “For me to prove to her that I’m in this, I think I’d have to move here permanently.” I open my eyes and see my words hit home. It breaks my heart a little more to see the initial look of pained shock cross her features.
She sucks in a big breath and closes her eyes, a single tear dripping down her cheek. Part of me wants to take it back, but I know I can’t. I don’t know how to comfort her, but when she looks at me again, Irealize I won’t have to. Her face has a determination in it, filled with that fierce loyalty I know and love, and her voice is strong. “Then that’s what you’ll do.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Joss
The water laps around my legs, my board gently rising and falling. My eyes are locked on the shore as I watch the sand turn from a dull grey to a soft pinkish orange.
It’s quiet here, just beyond the waves. Too quiet. I used to come out for sunrise by myself all the time, but it’s been months since I’ve been out here alone.Without Wes. My mind supplies his name in an instant, and my heart constricts. Dammit, can’t I just have a moment of peace from everything?
My head tips up, the cool spring wind coasting across my face. Maybe it could carry away all the worries that feel too heavy to shoulder. That’s why I came here. My apartment was closing in with each passing moment I spent in it. What better place to find peace and quiet than the ocean? Yet it’s not bringing the clarity I expected.
After I left Wes in his apartment yesterday afternoon, I’d just barely slipped through my door before the sobs racked my body. I didn’t even make it past the foyer, sliding down to the floor, knees pulled tight to my chest. The hour spent with my parents was an assault on every single wall I’ve built over the years. I didn’t have anything left to keep them up by the time Wes hit me with those final words.
You deserve to have people in your life who will be there for you no matter what… I’m not going anywhere… I’m willing to share the burden if you want me to.
Those words continued to tumble around and around in my head, over and over, like a broken record. While I cleaned my apartment. While I attempted to read. While I attempted to sleep. I know he meant them. But what happens when he leaves and my “no matter what” disappears, when there’s no one left to share my burdens? What happens then?
Mixed into the tumult are my dad’s words. A second record skipping across my brain at a painful rhythm.
Leaving you was a mistake. The biggest I’ve ever made.
It should bother me that my mother seems to be barely an afterthought considering she was the one who set all of this in motion. She said nothing that made any difference to the way I feel about her. Yes, I’m glad she finally gave me some semblance of an explanation for what happened with Bill, but it doesn’t make up for any of it, and the way she manipulated this entire situation only goes to show that she hasn’t changed.
A wave lifts my board, and my arms and legs move of their own accord as I paddle. The momentum pushes me forward, andI press against the board with both hands, jumping to my feet as the water sprays across my face. There’s nothing quite like the drop into your first wave of the day, the rush and excitement that builds from within. A smile lifts my lips without any conscious thought.
The rush of the water by my side, my hand gently slicing through it, clear and cold, awakens my senses. Each pump of my legs builds my speed. I carve through the water, my focus solely on the wave beneath my board. This is what I needed. I feel the push start to wane and kick out, coming down to my belly, breathing in short, shallow gasps.
It’s when my eyes scan the space around me, the space just beyond the swell, that my heart sinks. I’m looking for him. Seeking out his smile, his arm pumping in the air after watching me catch that perfect wave. Listening for hiswhoopof encouragement and excitement. Instead, I’m met with silence and an empty horizon. Not a single person there to see me. I’m completely and totally alone.
“Joss?” The voice catches my attention as I walk down the street toward Harbour Grounds. My head swivels to the side, to the man standing next to me, a man I didn’t even notice in the haze.
“Eric?” I croak. Shock and surprise rush through me. Somehow we’ve avoided running into each other for months, and here he is, today of all days. Seriously, how many emotional twists and turns am I expected to go through in a twenty-four-hour period?
“Dawn patrol?” He nods toward where my car is parked—board dripping on the roof through the rack.
“Oh, yeah,” I respond, letting my hand coast through my saltwater-laden hair, the texture grounding me into my senses. I used to go out most mornings when we were together. He sat on the beach to watch a few times, but it was rare. It was my thing, and I didn’t really like to share it with anyone.Until Wes.My heart rate picks up at the thought of him.
Very helpful, Joss.I mentally shake myself and ask, “How are you?”
He looks the same as ever, dressed comfortably in jeans and a T-shirt, his jacket unzipped over the top. His short blond hair is styled perfectly, black-framed glasses covering green eyes. His smile is tight, and I wonder if he’s as uncomfortable as I am.
“Good. Good. Um, I’m guessing you’re headed for Harbour Grounds.” He waves a hand in that direction. “Want to grab a cup of coffee? Talk?”
I’m shocked to find myself nodding.What am I doing?We fall into step side by side, an awkward tension between us until we round the next corner and the shop comes into view. I breathe a sigh of relief just knowing that caffeine is near.
The bell over the door dings as Eric holds it open for me. When we reach the counter and Jaz’s head lifts, her jaw drops, then words tumble out in a flurry. “Uh, hi. Hey. Joss. Eric. What are you guys doing here?” She’s nearly incoherent, her surprise reminding me of that first day here with Wes. Another spike in my pulse.
“We bumped into each other outside.” Eric’s hands are in his pockets, the earlier awkwardness seeming to have dissipated.
“Just finished my surf.”
“Right. Right, okay. Well, what can I get you both?” Jaz is still flustered, and I can feel her eyes snagging on me every few seconds.
I order my post-dawn patrol usual—a coconut latte with caramel and chocolate sauce. Jaz even named it the Dawn Patrol and put it on the menu after I started ordering it every morning, and it’s become pretty popular with her customers.
