I don’t know what I want where she’s concerned, but an end to this animosity would be a good start.
“Where you headed?” I ask, stopping just inside her personal space. This is the closest we’ve been since everything broke between us, but I feel that same rippling current of energy. It’s like our bodies recognize each other—as if the last time they were this close was yesterday and not eleven years ago.
Her gaze searches mine and I wonder if she feels it too. “Into the village,” she says, and tilts her head in the direction of Cluaran’s small high street.
“Can I walk with you?” I ask, my feet already moving and forcing her to fall into step beside me.
“I guess so,” she says under her breath, and the sass behind it almost makes me smile. The girl I knew is still in there somewhere.
The gravel underneath our shoes is the only sound between us for several moments. I miss the days where we could say anything to each other, where we didn’t have these pregnant pauses filled with doubt.
I unconsciously move a step closer until my shoulder brushes hers—pulled to her in the same way I always have been—but she sidesteps away.
“Look—” I say.
“Jamie—” she says at the same time. We both pause, and the smallest smile tilts her lips before she traps them between her teeth.
I capitalize on her silence and continue. “I’m sorry for how I’ve acted since you arrived. I was surprised to see you, and after everything… well, I guess I don’t know how to be around you anymore, Avi.”
“And you think I do?” she snaps, a fire burning in her eyes before she squeezes them shut and shakes her head. “I’m sorry,” she breathes. “Clearly I’m not sure how to feel about this situation either.”
She keeps her eyes down and kicks at a piece of gravel with the toe of her boot, an outward tell of her inner frustration.
“I don’t expect things to go back to the way they were before, but we’re both here and not going anywhere anytime soon.” I swipe a hand through my hair, feeling unsure of my next words. “Maybe we can try to be friends? Or at least not enemies?”
She lifts her head, her deep brown eyes finding my green ones. “I’ve never thought of you as my enemy, Jamie.”
She could’ve fooled me, but I don’t say that. I’m trying to apologize and need to remember that just because I’m ready to say I’m sorry doesn’t mean she is. I may believe I deserve those words from her, but I have to be okay with never getting them.
“I’m sorry. For the way things ended between us. I didn’t think—”
“Please, don’t.” She stops and squeezes her eyes shut like she’s in pain. “I—Jamie, I—”
There’s something imploring in her gaze when she opens her eyes, and it bores into me like she wants to tell me something but can’t find a way to do it.
I wonder if the little game we used to play might help her get the words out. “Truth?” I ask with an encouraging smile.
Her reaction is nothing like I expect. Her eyes go wide and she sucks in a sharp breath, stepping back from me and stumbling off the curb and into the street.
I reach for her on instinct, grabbing her by the upper arms and pulling her into me as a car horn blares. The small sedan whizzes by, Gaelic expletives flying from the elderly gentleman behind the wheel.
“Fuck. Avi, are you okay?” My words puff out against her hair and her chest moves rapidly against my own.
I put an inch of space between us, just enough so I can look at her. She’s shaking like a leaf and tears pool in her eyes, but she quickly averts them so I can’t see. It’s too late, and I was never good at watching her cry. I crush her back to me and hold her while her tears stain my shirt. “God, Avi. Shhh, you’re okay. I’ve got you.”
I run my hand up and down her back, muscle memory taking over. Touching her feels like it always did. Hugging her… kissing her… everything we ever did felt like home, and I can’t deny that even this small moment when she’s letting me hold her feels that way.
I wish we could stay here and forget everything else, but as Avi’s shuddering slows, I feel her pulling away, even before she physically does.
Bringing her arms between us, she swipes away the tear tracks on her face. She doesn’t look at me. Mindful of the curb this time, she eases back and says, “I think I’ll finish my walk into town by myself.”
And then she turns, leaving me on the curb to wonder whattruthshe doesn’t want to tell me.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Avonlea – Fourteen Years Ago
We pull up outside Grannie and Papa’s farmhouse and I’m pressed against the window. My eyes scan every inch of the Thistle & Tartan property, but he’s not here.
