“I-I just wasn’t…” he stutters. “I wasn’t expecting you to say that. I mean, you know you’re my best friend, and I care about you so much, but I—”
“You’re my best friend too.” I smile and brace my hands on his cheeks. “I guess I just thought that, after yesterday…”
He rears back, his eyebrows drawn down. I don’t understand his reaction…
“That what, Avi? I’d somehow stay? I can’t. I leave tomorrow, and I won’t be back for another year. How is this supposed to work?” He sounds flustered, almost mad. I shift off his lap, every word landing like a blow, and I feel the sudden urge to protect myself.
“I-I don’t know. I guess I thought we could talk about it. People have long-distance relationships all the time.” I bite my lip and hope it will keep the tears welling in my eyes to stay where they are. This isn’t going at all like I hoped it would.
“Not across oceans… I mean, I’m sure some do, but Avi… we’re seventeen! We—we can’t do this. Not now at least.”
“Then when, Jamie? When you come back next summer? Will you stay then?”
“No, I… I don’t know. I told you yesterday I don’t think I’ll be coming back for uni. I care about you, of course I care about you, but I just don’t see how this can work, Avi.”
“How can you say you care about me and then just, what, not want anything with me?” My voice rises, frantic and desperate to make him understand. “You were fine with having sex with me, but we can’t be together?”
“That’s not fair. We both wanted that. We… It…” He stumbles over the words and his face is twisted into an expression I’ve never seen before. Like he’s in pain. Like this is hurting him, but it can’t be. Not like it’s hurting me.
I stand up, needing even more space. I told myself when I got ready today that telling him might not change anything, but I believed it would.
Everything feels cold inside me now, the heat from just moments ago completely gone. Jamie stands too and the distance between us feels insurmountable—like a chasm has opened and there’s no closing that gap now.
“I’m sorry, Avi. Maybe yesterday was a mistake. I didn’t know you were feeling like this. We shouldn’t have… It’s only confused things. You’re my best friend, I’m yours… That’s all this can ever be. We don’t live in the same place. We don’t live the same lives. It could never work. I’m sorry, I—”
“But we could talk more. I can use the money I make helping Mum at the pub to pay for phone calls. I could save up so I cancome visit you too. We could—” I watch him shake his head, anguish crumpling his features.
“I’d love to talk to you more, to see you even. But, Avi, your life is here. What if you end up in France for culinary school next year? I can’t follow you there, not when I really want to go to uni in the States. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I won’t ask you to give up your dreams.”
What he doesn’t say is that he doesn’t want me to ask him to give up his either. He steps forward and presses his lips to my forehead. I close my eyes, the heat of his lips is nothing compared to the hot tears that track down my cheeks. Then he pulls away, and with the precision of the sharpest knife, takes a piece of my heart with him when he says, “I’m sorry, Avi.”
He backs away before turning around and walking into the inn.
I bolt through the hedge, my stupid dress catching around my knees, and head straight to my room where I bury my face in my pillow and sob.
I refuse to go down to dinner. I refuse to talk to anyone. And when Grannie tells me in the morning that she saw Jamie drive away with his grandparents an hour earlier, I know he’s gone.
Will he ever come back? Or did I really see my best friend for the last time and not even get to say goodbye?
Six Weeks Later
Everything about the last six weeks has beenthe worst.
I tell my mum everything, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell her about me and Jamie. That we had sex. That I told him I love him. That he didn’t say it back. That he walked away and didn’t even say goodbye.
She knows something is up, but I’m trying to keep everything as normal as I can, because nothing she says will change anything. School started right after I got home, and I picked back up with all my friends, throwing myself even more into those friendships than ever. Jamie and I may have only been a summer thing, but I feel his loss so acutely that I need to fill the void with more urgency than usual.
He hasn’t emailed, and neither have I. I’ve thought about it. Thought maybe we could talk it out now that our emotions aren’t so high.
But now…
Now I can’t just email him and fix this. Nothing can fix this. Everything has changed and there’s no going back to the way it was before… But it also feels like there’s no true way forward.
I swipe away the tears tracking down my cheeks using the sleeves of my sweatshirt—his sweatshirt. How do I still have more tears to cry? It’s been hours and they’re still coming—hot and wet and making everything about my face feel swollen.
This can’t be happening.
“Avonlea?” Dad’s voice follows his knock on my bedroom door. He tries the knob but it’s locked. I never lock it. “Are you okay?”
