Finnley starts walking in circles, chewing on his thumbnail, seemingly working out scenarios in his head, while I just internally panic.
It’s gotten me this far, why change things up now?
“The part I don’t understand is the partner aspect,” he mutters to himself while he continues to pace, his brow furrowed.
A knot burrows in my chest. I have a feeling it has more to do with what we’re going to face than actually needing each other tofind the exit. It’s about learning to depend on your squad during combat. A sinking feeling fills me as I think we’re about to see a form of combat that we aren’t ready for.
Mallory walks over and loops her arm in mine. Worry lines crease her forehead as she looks around the courtyard. There is so much uncertainty and fear in the air that it nearly chokes me.
This is my college experience.
Death and fear.
Loss and grief.
Today won’t be the first time I’ve second-guessed my decision to become a soldier like my mother and her mother before her. There are plenty of days I think I should have just become a librarian and soaked up the knowledge and lore in books. I deviated from that plan because I want what I’m owed, what was stolen from me. I’ve had enough taken from me in this lifetime, and I’m not letting anything else be claimed.
Not if I have it in me to reclaim it.
I could have buried myself in the silence of old tomes, cataloging histories that didn’t belong to me. It would have certainly been easier. But there’s been something humming beneath my skin, something restless that doesn’t quite understand peace. I told everyone I wanted to serve. To protect, to fight, and manifest what was stolen. But the truth is far more sinister than that.
I’m afraid.
I fear what lingers in me when things stay quiet for too long.
I needed to come here to prove to myself it’s all in my head. There’s nothing wrong with me, and I am a light wielder.
When the Conscriptor arrived on our doorstep and handed me the enrollment form, I couldn’t sign my name fast enough. The same choice had to be made by every recent graduate in Salaryan. Even fewer signed up this year than the prior year.
The risk continues to increase. And the numbers enrolling continue to dwindle.
But every quadrant comes with its own risks, even the library branch. They’ve lost numerous librarians over the centuries to curses mistakenly read from pages or from portals that opened up and swallowed them, never to be seen again. I’ve even heard of instances when the spines of tomes were accidentally broken, and the caretakers followed suit.
But some, like the ones in this courtyard, do enroll. Especially those like me who think it’s our right to manifest our abilities, and unfortunately, this is the only way.
Sell your soul to the realm.
“What do you think is in store for us?” Mallory asks, pulling me in closer. Her stare remains on the prospects gathered around us as if she’s trying to memorize their faces.
I gently squeeze her hand, wishing I had a more positive answer, but I don’t. “Death or ruin,” I say simply. “I don’t think we come out of that maze without one or the other.”
We die, or the things we’re about to witness will make us feel like we have.
She pulls her sleeves down, burrowing into me either from the cold or trepidation. At this point, it doesn’t really matter. I’m not particularly the hugging type, but I don’t push her away. She needs this right now, and maybe a small part of me does too.
“We’ll be celebrating in our room before you know it,” she whispers.
“Don’t start without me,” I reply, both of us just staring straight ahead.
I feel sick to my stomach, but I have no time to dwell on it because the crowd starts moving toward an archway on the other side of the courtyard. Thankfully, they didn’t mention anything about the assigned lieutenants having to go first this time, so I stay in the back.
My pulse is vibrating in my ears. It takes a lot of effort to keep my face neutral and not give away what I’m feeling.
The four of us slowly follow the other students. Mallory reluctantly lets go of my arm to walk beside Mayline. The tips of her blonde fauxhawk are colored teal today, a stark contrast to the constant gray surrounding us. Between the stone walls, shadowy skies, and slate-colored mountains, she’s a burst of color.
I blow into my hands, the warm air offering a small moment of comfort.
Finnley takes his place beside me. He shoulder bumps me and offers an encouraging smile. His presence is becoming reassuring, like hiding under a big blanket that keeps the monsters from getting you as a child.
