While everyone else was distracted talking, I nudged Kieran’s elbow with my elbow on the table to get his attention. He glanced over at me, and I tried to illustrate all my feelingsabout the conversation to him with just my eyes. How fucking annoyed I was, how worthless and stupid my uncle’s opinion was, and how amazing I thought Kieran was for pursuing his dream and working so hard. It was a lot to expect from one instance of eye contact, but I did my best. His expression was frustratingly unreadable, but he gave the top of my hand the lightest, almost intangible moment of contact.
“Don’t worry about it,” he murmured. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does,” I answered back in the same low tone. “It’s bullshit.”
“Just forget it,” he said. “It’s not worth getting upset over.”
He was wrong about that, but I didn’t argue further. I knew he just didn’t want me feeling bad on his behalf, although that part was completely unavoidable.
Eventually, to my dismay, the conversation somehow circled back to me and my impending college semester. When my uncle asked if I was still majoring in political science, I confirmed that I was.
“That’s a good field to be in. You can make a lot of money going into law,” he added.
“I’m not going into law,” I responded shortly. “I’m going into nonprofit and advocacy.”
“Well, you might change your mind once you grow up a little bit,” he said. “Helping people sounds good until you get out into the world and get that hard dose of reality.”
I sat down my glass of tea with a hard snap, rattling the table with the pressure. “Or maybe money isn’t the most important thing in the world. Maybe being a good person is more important.”
Everyone’s eyes seemed to widen and lock onto me, but I didn’t care. I’d held my tongue long enough.
“And furthermore, your vision of success being solely defined by a paycheck shows what a pedantic, narrow mindedperson you are. You’d never have the balls to take a risk and follow your dreams like Kieran does. Because you could never have the talent and passion that he has, so you’re stuck in some miserable marketing job on the basis ofmoney.”
It only took me about halfway through my mini-rant to realize I’d probably gone a little too far, but in my defense all that had been building up for a few years. I didn’t know what else to say, and because it took so long for anyone else to say anything, my cheeks started to burn. I couldn’t bear to look over at Kieran, even though I could feel his eyes boring into my side.
My uncle looked the most shocked by my outburst, and finally, he was the one to say something. “Are you going to let your son talk to his elders like that?” He asked the question directed at my dad.
“Well, uh… He’s allowed to have an opinion. You’ve certainly made yours clear, too,” he said thoughtfully.
“Let’s not talk about finances at the table,” my aunt suggested. “We all have our own opinions, and that’s fine.”
When it became clear that no one was going to leap to his defense, he gave a haughty sniff and took a seat next to his family. “Well, it takes all kinds, I guess.”
After another short stint of awkward silence, Kieran cleared his throat and stood up from the table. “I have to go get ready for myjob,” he said, curling his fingers into air quotes around the last word, before hurrying off and back into the house.
Heaving a giant sigh, I whipped out my phone and sent a text to Dani to ask what she was doing, and if she wanted to hang out. When she sent me a nearly instant text back saying she would come pick me up if I wanted, I stood up as well.
“Can I, like, leave?” I asked, directing my question to my dad. “Dani’s going to come pick me up.” I didn’t need to add the obvious part being that I didn’t want to be here anymore. I felt a little bad that my dad’s idea for a peaceful family gatheringwas kind of ruined, but it would probably be less awkward for everyone if I wasn’t here anyway.
“Don’t stay out too late,” he responded, to my relief.
Rushing in the back door, I glanced out of the front window in the living room to make sure Kieran’s truck was still in the drive, before bounding up the stairs to make sure he wasn’t too pissed off.
KIERAN
THE THRASHING OFmy heart hadn’t really slowed by the time I got up to my room, but the sheer relief of being alone helped quell some of the intensity of the feeling.
Basically being told to my face that I was a failure and mooching off my mom and Chester was irritating, but it was a pinprick compared to how Jordy’s heated response made me feel. I knew our parents didn’t agree with that sentiment, and I’d been told by them, and by Barbie, that I was doing a good job and that they were proud of me. But no praise or encouragement had ever smacked me in the chest like what Jordy had said.
I felt like I was flying, floating, some kind of supernatural action that allowed me to traverse beyond worldly emotion. It was embarrassing, and I’d felt a sudden paranoia that everyone would be able to tell how affected I’d been, so I’d had to rush off.
Was it normal to feel this much over someone else’s words? It couldn’t be. But I didn’t have any way of changing it, and the time that I could pretend to feel indifferent toward him was long gone. If I was lucky, our parents wouldn’t notice. I was being as careful as I could. But in usual Jordy Nolan fashion, he was determined to make that aspect of it as difficult as possible.
Still slightly panting from the adrenaline rush and the way I’d sprinted through the house like I was being chased, my jaw clenched, the rest of my muscles tensing as the saccharine scent of bubblegum hit my nose.
He’d followed me. All the yearning and pining I’d felt since we’d come home burst in my blood like a stick of dynamite, flooding my veins and making my teeth ache.
“Kieran!” Jordy said my name as he hit the top of the stairs, and it was like all my senses were magnified to process him. All I could think about was him. All I could want was him. When his eyes landed on me, he looked a little shocked by my appearance. Could he tell what I was feeling? “Are you okay?”
