“That’s not it, Beckham.”
He ran his hands through his hair angrily. “Then what is it, Rosenna?! Is it because I can’t regulate my emotions? That because I’m incapable of love, I don’t deserve love? Because I thought that too, and you ruinedeverythingabout me that I once thought I knew. Because now?” he almost croaked, heavy emotion in his voice. “Now, I can barely think without you clouding my mind. I can barely look at you when I’m reminded you don’t belong to me. I can barely control myself when I’m constantly reminded that I’m not good enough for you. What the hell do I have to live for if it isn’t for you?!”
I shook my head, feeling hopeless as a part of me was still holding onto my terrible, miserable marriage.
“Beckham, I-I’m sorry,” I cried pathetically, feeling the guilt of betraying my husband, and now, I felt the guilt of denying the man I loved… the man who loved me.
Beckham paused for a moment before he shook his head.
“No. I’m sorry.”
I watched him with teary eyes as he turned away and walked through the warehouse towards the door. I thought he was going to grab me, shake me, force me to say something. But his footsteps echoed through the building, and just as I was afraid of, I was left utterly alone as he opened the door and left.
There was no mistaking it before if I had any doubts… This was truly all of my fault.
Sitting in my car outside his warehouse, I watched the building in silence as the sun set and the sky slowly darkened. The silver keys on the dashboard gleamed at me like a cruel joke. Surely he would come back. Surely… this wasn’t where it all would end.
I would give you everything, Flower.
I’m not capable of love.
The only thing I want, Flower, is you.
I let him walk away.
My hands clenched the steering wheel so hard I thought I would snap it off. My fingers dug into the leather, my knuckles a sick shade of white, nails biting into my palms, my knuckles aching, blood rushing so violently in my ears I thought my skull would fucking split in two.
Why couldn’t I say it? Why the fuck couldn’t I just say it?
I would give you everything, Flower.
I would give you everything, Flower.
“Stop.” The word barely left my lips.
My skin itched as I imagined his tender hold. My face burned as I could feel his soft kisses against my lips. His words of affirmation, affection, adoration feeling like haunted whispers against my ears.
Tears blurred my vision as my heart raced in my chest. My hands threaded my hair, pulling at my scalp. Pulled so hard I thought I’d feel my scalp tear, but nothing… nothing could shut it off.
I would give you everything, Flower.
I would give you everything, Flower.
“STOP!” My voice cracked, raw, hoarse and desperate, wanting some kind of liberation, some kind of release from this utter torment on my mind, body and soul.
I would give you everything.
I’m not capable of love.
I’m not capable of love.
I’m not capable of love.
I’m not capable of love.
I would give you everyth—
I’M NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE.
