Rick was already on his way down the stairs, slower than Travis, and I ran down them, followed by my mom and Emmie.
“Take a deep breath, he’s fine.” Travis said quietly behind me, pulling me further away from the machine. I wanted to fight him and tell him where he could shove his advice, but when his hand slid over the front of my stomach, pulling me into his chest so Rick could get to the panel on it, I froze. And heated into an inferno of confusion and physical reactions as I felt the intensity of his body heat against me. “Frankie, take a deep breath.” He said against my ear.
I gritted my teeth and felt Elliot’s eyes on me from the other side of my mom as I did what Travis said.
Fuck them all.
But he was right, I needed to calm down now that I knew my son wasn’t in any danger. Though he was in a whole big can of trouble the second he was free.
“Toby,” Rick stood at the front of the machine, putting his hands on his hips to stare at my son. “We talked about this. I thought we agreed you weren’t going to do anything to scare your Mama again. The joyride on the Zamboni last month nearly put her in the hospital with a heart attack.”
Toby’s shoulders sagged a little as he negotiated through the glass. “Well, she said I couldn’t go to the Snack Bar. And she told me I couldn’t collect swear jar money! I was hungry.”
I rolled my eyes but kept my mouth shut as Rick shook his head.
“No, this was not an acceptable alternative. And you know that.” Rick warned, and Toby wilted further. I softened as my anger and worry melted into sadness as someone other than me disciplined my son. Even though there were days I wanted to send my kids to Mars on a one-way ticket, I would rather be boiled in a pot of tar than watch someone else discipline them. But Rick wasn’t just anyone, and he was never unfair or over the top with my kids or anyone else for that matter. “Okay, so you’re never going to do this again, right?” Rick asked, putting the key into the machine but didn’t turn it until Toby replied.
“Yes, Sir.” He nodded his head eagerly, ready to get broken out of his candy-filled jail.
“Good.” Rick popped the door open, and Elliot picked Toby up out of it, setting him on his feet.
My boy hung his head and ran to my side, burying his face in my stomach as Travis backed up. “I’m sorry, Mama.” Toby said thoughtfully, blinking up at me with his innocent and remorseful eyes.
“I know.” I leaned down and kissed his forehead, unable to say anything else as my own emotions bubbled up. “I know, baby.”
“C’mon.” My mom held her hand out, and Toby ran to her side as Emmie held her other hand. “Let’s go home and get to bed.” She gave me a pointed look as she backed up with my kids in tow. “They’re just kids, doing kid stuff, Frankie. Don’t worry, I’ve got it now.”
I nodded, unable to respond because I knew if I unclenched my teeth, tears would fall before the words did.
Silently, I watched my kids walk away, safe in my mom’s arms, out through the front door, and the moment they could no longer see me, I turned and walked away.
As I started cracking, desperate to escape, I felt the guys' eyes on me. I didn’t pay attention to where I went, I just needed somewhere private to lose my hold on the tight control I always hid behind, and when I was in the abandoned equipment room behind the rink, the tears fell.
Covering my mouth to stifle the sobs, I doubled over as so much grief crashed over me.
“Shh.” Elliot’s gentle voice found me in the darkness, I hadn’t even realized he was following me in my panic. Struggling, I bucked against his hold as he pulled me into his big chest, before all the fight dissolved in my tired muscles, leaving me no choice but to give in to it and lean into his strength. “Get it out.”
Shame, guilt and embarrassment dragged me under as he held me, but for the first time in years, I couldn’t muster up the strength to push away from it.
So, I let it out.
I cried.
And I cried.
And Ifuckingcried.
All while a man I had no business darkening with my bullshit held me up.
“You’re okay.” Elliot whispered against my temple, running his hands over my back and arms, soothing me the whole time as I clung to him. “They’re okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
“I’m failing.” I whispered into the darkness around us, finally speaking the truth out loud. It had been suffocating me for years, but I couldn’t pretend everything was okay. Not anymore. “I’m failing them.”
“You’re not.” He replied firmly, shaking his head. “Not in any way are you failing those kids, Frankie.” More sobs shook my shoulders as his words broke through the walls that held my spine up under the weight of the world most days. “Those kids are incredible; they are free-spirited and ornery because they know they are safe and loved. They are kids, because you shoulder everything in the world, so they can be.”
“I can’t—” I hiccupped, digging my fingers into his shirt. “I don’t think I can do it all anymore.”
“And you’re not going to.” He stated, sliding one hand against the side of my cheek and pulling my head back to look up at him, while simultaneously keeping me pinned to his body. “You don’t have to. You’re surrounded by people who want to help you. You just have to let us.”
