He glanced up at me and held my stare for a second with a scowl before dropping it and cracking the top of his can. “No.”
“You’ve been avoiding my eyes since before the mac and cheese hit the oven.”
He sighed again, long and rough, and leaned against the railing next to me, looking out over the dark yard. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”
“That makes two of us.”
He glanced at me again, and I held his stare, unwavering. “I touched you.” His voice sounded haunted, and the fear in his eyes was noticeable enough that I couldn’t ignore it.
I swallowed, “I know.”
“And you didn’t stop me.”
“No,” I said quietly, taking a sip of my beer, trying to figure out how to tell him what I was feeling. Communicating wasn’t my strongest skill, but it had never been a problem with Eli before. And the idea of something breaking the open honesty we’d always shared, scared the shit out of me. So, I had to give it if I wanted to get it in return. “Because I didn’t want to.”
Eli’s throat worked around a dozen unsaid things as he stared at me. “You were pissed afterward.” He accused, looking away again. “I saw it in your eyes when we were done.”
“You’re wrong.” I held fast, turning to face him. “I was fucked up about it.”
“I read it wrong,” He deflected. “Things before that. I messed it up.”
“What things?” I asked, urging for more insight into his brain.
But he shook his head and stayed silent.
“You mean the way I was taking her?” I pushed, “Against you. Using you at the same time to please her. Because that was intentional, Eli.”
He whipped his head my way angrily, “No, dude. Because I was fucking enjoying it too!”
There it was.
I grabbed the back of his neck, holding him still because he looked like he was ready to bolt the second the words left his mouth. “So was I.”
“Fuck.” He groaned, pulling away from me and crossing the deck. “You don’t get what I’m saying!”
“Then say it clearer!” I barked back, on edge and hoping he’d spit it out before Frankie returned. We had to get our heads on straight before she thought any of this was because of her
“I could feel you!” He hissed, taking a step back toward me like he wasn’t even aware of it. “Through her. Against me. Your dick.” He clenched his jaw, “Your sack on mine, man.”
“And?” I scoffed.
“And I got hard from it!” He snapped.
It all started making sense, and my shoulders deflated. I leaned back against the railing as he paced, avoiding my gaze completely. And I let him, as I articulated all of my feelings in my head before I started.
I couldn’t fuck this up with him. He deserved for me to get it right.
So did Frankie.
“You weren’t the only one who liked it, Eli.” I said evenly, but he still didn’t stop moving. “I pushed into her body, knowing parts of us were going to be touching. But I didn’t care, because Frankie was the focus.” Reaching out, I grabbed his arm and forced him to stop. “I wouldn’t have been into it if she wasn’t there. But she was, and I felt so goddamn connected to both of you in that moment I didn’t care! And neither should you!”
“I’m not gay!” He cursed, glaring at me. “And neither are you!”
“I know that.” I let go, and he didn’t take off, “That’s what this is about though, isn’t it?” Instantly, I remembered the rumors that flew around our town when Eli got out of the firefighter academy. “They said you were too pretty to be straight. People you’d known your whole life, made jokes and picked on you about it. Like it would matter even if you weren’t.”
Finally, I could read him again clearly. I could read his fear.
All those years ago, the rumors had been mostly just ball busting from guys, but some of them seemed to hit Eli harder than others. It was also the same time he went on a man-whore bender, fucking any chick within ten miles like he was trying to prove something to them.
