“Scoot over,” Alex requests, nudging his head to the plush cubical that’s been vacant the past thirty minutes.
Pheromones pump out of him when I shake my head, denying his request. “I’m fine here.”
After his eyes drift to the suit-clad gentleman sitting across from us, watching our exchange with attentive eyes, Alex returns them to me. "You wanted the window seat; I'm giving you the window seat. Scoot over." His volume rises with each syllable he speaks. It is laced with jealousy and utterly delicious for my dented ego to devour.
Thankful for the chance to even the playing field, I push Alex to the side as I did the waitress earlier today. “Shove off; I’ve got business to take care of,” I purr with my hankering eyes locked on the hottie across from me.
I’m lying, but Alex doesn’t know that. If I wanted to play with the gentleman in seat 4C, we’d already be swapping spit in the sandpit, but he isn’t the man I want to share germs with. It is the man glaring at me, unappreciative of my quick return in the marathon tit-for-tat game we’ve been playing the past two months.
Alex should be grateful a majority of my focus this weekend has centered around discovering the identity of the person invading my privacy, because if it didn't, I might have moved on from our game of cat and mouse by now. I don't play well with others. That's why I've gone it alone so long. People get burned when I let my emotions enter the mix.Some even die.
Imprisoned by painful memories, I move to Alex’s seat like he requested. I need a breather before I say or do something I’ll regret. The adrenaline Alex’s attention comes with far exceeds the worry of being harmed by my stalker, but the other emotions it arrived with aren't as welcoming. I'm a confident, classy lady. . . who feels like she's on a Slip'n Slide with no end in sight. It's fun while you’re riding it, but no matter how enjoyable the ride is, you'll forever be on the bottom rung once it’s over.
Since he was anticipating more of a challenge, Alex remains quiet as he fills the seat my ass has kept warm since we left the tarmac. When he places an untouched glass of gin on the side table between us, I seize it, swallow it, then signal for another.
Spotting James’s agreeing nod to my request, Alex shakes his head, retracting my order. I shoot him a vicious glare. “I need a drink—”
“You need to talk. Vent. Scream. You donotneed alcohol to do either of those things,” Alex interrupts, his voice a cross between stern and remorseful. He doesn’t like pushing me out of my comfort zone any less than he hates his inability to rein in his jealousy when it comes to me. Both are as frustrating as hell to him.
“Bottling up your emotions never works, Rae. The longer you hold them in, the bigger the explosion will be once they come undone.”
I let the gin speak on my behalf: “Maybe they’ll never grow big enough to explode?”
Alex doesn’t say a word; he just stares straight at me, expressing a million thoughts without a single syllable escaping his lips.
His understanding has me whispering words I swore I’d never utter, “I can’t tell anyone; I promised to keep his secret forever.”
“There are no secrets that won’t be revealed with time.” When I stiffen, physically erecting my defense wall, Alex quickly adds on, “But that doesn’t mean you have to be the person responsible for revealing them. You can tell me as much or as little as you want. I’m not grading your honesty, Regan. I’m being your friend.”
The first half of his statement makes my heart flutter. The second half causes my stomach to heave. He is the second man in my life to place me in the “friends zone.” I want to say it impacts me the second time as much as the first, but nothing will knock me as hard Luca rejecting me.
“I loved Luca,” I whisper, staring at my fingers twisted in the hem of my shirt. “But he never loved me the same way.” My words choke a little when I confess, “Instead of accepting what he could give me, I wanted more.”
I smile through the tears attempting to roll down my face. "For years, we appeared to have the perfect relationship. He was the beloved sports star and all-around mentor of our high school, and I was the wild child he wrangled into the wholesome country girl I was born to be. It truly seemed as if we were destined for greatness."
“Until it came tumbling down?” Alex questions, reminding me I am not just reminiscing; I’m admitting to sins I should have confessed to years ago.
I nod. "Things went downhill rather quickly when we left for college. Our relationship was easy in high school. There were only a handful of students in our class. Most were in long-term relationships, and those who weren't didn't have any interest in neither Luca or me. Excluding Danielle, we never had any issues."
Alex sits on the very edge of his chair, bringing our knees within touching distance. “College doesn’t just bring temptation into play; it comes with an assortment of crazy shit. Some grow. Others wilt.”
His comment makes me smile. “Luca prospered. He was the happiest I had ever seen him.” It is the fight of my life to express my next set of words without a cracking voice. “At the time, I thought I was the one responsible for the goofy grin on his face. It was only when I walked into his dorm room the night of his accident did I realize his happiness had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the person he was wrapped up in.”
I swipe a stupid rogue tear slipping down my cheek before shifting my eyes to the window so Alex won’t see my tears. “If I had just accepted his decision, we wouldn’t have fought, and he wouldn’t have made the decision he made that night. I’m the reason he’s dead. I was so enraged with jealousy, I broke a promise I swore to keep for eternity. I revealed his secret to the world.”
Alex’s warm breaths fan my nape when he assures, “What happened wasn’t your fault, Rae—”
"Yes, it was. I am the reason he is dead. I made him choose. I told him he had to pick." My eyes glisten with tears as secrets I've kept for years involuntarily spill from my lips. "I wanted him to pick me, and to everyone around us, that was what he did. As far as anyone was concerned, he forever put me first. Only I know that wasn't true. He didn't pick either of us that night. He chose to perpetuate the lie he had been living for years."He continued pretending he was straight.
I grow worried I said my last confession out loud when Alex’s interweaves our fingers. I’m not looking at him, but I can tell he wants to say more. He just can’t force his tongue to fire words out of his mouth. I have no doubt his mind is racing a million miles an hour as he struggles to click the pieces together. He’ll be working on the puzzle for years to come. I’m still struggling to understand all the jagged edges, and I’m a prime piece of the picture.
I was in love with a man who could never love me back. If that didn’t already make me an idiot, I left Luca’s frat party thinking I had won. What can I say? I was naïve and stupid.
The truth rained down on me not even ten minutes later.
Within minutes of us leaving campus, Luca's cellphone blew up. Guests at the party had recorded our fight, spreading rumors of his sexual proclivities through our school like wildfire. Luca wasn't just fielding calls from his friends and teammates, though, he also had Coach Gulliver seeking confirmation on his "homosexual ways."
It was in that instant it dawned on me why Luca asked me to pledge what I did on his sixteenth birthday. The college we both attended was small, but the mindset of the locals was even smaller than that. No matter how much he contributed to the community, it was all forgotten because of stupid words screamed in anger.
