“Deep breaths, Rae. Take in some big deep breaths for me,” Alex coaches when a panic attack blindsides me out of nowhere. I haven’t had one in years, but I’m not surprised I’ve finally succumbed. This hurts—a lot!
The concern in Alex’s tone as he attempts to calm me down steals the air from my lungs more than the reality of our situation did. He used me. He took my heartache, my belief that not everyone is out to hurt me, then tossed it back in my face.
How could I have been so stupid?
How could I let him play me like an idiot?!
My lungs wheeze through the pain shredding them in two when Alex guides me to a chair halfway down the corridor. He dashes away from me, only to return thirty seconds later with a bottle of water and a box of tissues. I don’t know who the tissues are for. I’m not crying.
Another wave of stupidity crashes into me when I raise my hand to my cheeks. They’re flooded with moisture.
“It’s okay,” Alex assures when I stop his attempts to soak up the mess. “Shock can take hours to arrive. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way after what you went through this morning.”
A thousand curse words scream through my head as I stare at him, but not one fires off my tongue. It isn’t Jay’s attack rendering me a blubbering idiot. It is him, a man I trusted, a man I thought I could love.
“Keep breathing for me, Rae. You’ve got this. You’re so fucking strong, baby, so very strong.”
I want to pull away from him. I want to yank his gun from his holster and use the skills he taught me yesterday against him, but instead, I act as the coward I was the night Luca died. I shimmy my shoulders; I put on a brave face, and I act like the world hasn’t crumbled beneath my feet.
This is real life. People like me don’t get happily-ever-afters and forevers. Ms. Collard warned me what would happen if I “rang the devil’s doorbell” too many times. I thought she was an old coot who needed to switch up her reading palette to something more risqué than the Christian romances she devoured four times a week. This kills me to admit, but I should have listened to her.
Luca loved me so I would hide his secret.
Alex pretended to love me to unearth secrets.
Shame me once, fool on you. Shame me twice, fool on me. There sure as hell won’t be a third time.
I feel the rod in my back hardening as anger overtakes my devastation. My lungs feel lighter as the sensation that I’m drowning fades. I do have this. I had it before Alex arrived in the picture, and I’ll have it years after he leaves.
No, correct that.AfterI kick him out.
He might have chosen me because he thought I was easy prey. He’s about to find out the hard way how badly he underestimated me. Luca’s death broke me, but it also showed me that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. One person may not be able to take down an army, but she can sure as hell dent their defense.
20
“That’s it, baby. Look at you. I’m so fucking proud of you, Rae; so damn proud.”
I continue bombarding Regan with praise, confident every word I speak brings back the woman I’m in love with. I’m not worried that she’s finally cracked. I knew this would eventually happen. Regan is strong, but she’s been dragged through the wringer the past week. If she didn’t eventually crack under the pressure, I would have grown worried she wasn’t human.
You can be the toughest and most bravest person on the planet and still be struck down by a panic attack. Some struggle to breathe. Others cry. Then there are men like me who throw hospital equipment around their room like a maniac forgetting their shattered knee can’t take the weight of his body. There is no shame giving in to the emotions holding you hostage. Whether it is grief, remorse or fear, you’ll never truly be free unless you let go of what’s holding you back.
“Do you want some water?” I unscrew the bottle and hand it to Regan before she can answer me. She accepts it, albeit hesitantly.
I stop peering into her eyes over the bottle of water trembling against her lips when someone calls my name. Although I don’t need to see the person to know who’s demanding my attention, I shift my eyes to them. I’m glad Regan’s finally freeing herself from her torment, but I doubt she wants anyone seeing her like this.
Grayson stops stomping down the dimly lit hallway when I shake my head. My movement is meek, but strong enough for both Grayson and Regan to see. At the same time Grayson’s throat works hard to swallow, Regan ducks her chin into her chest to hide her tear-stained face.
“Give me a few,” I mouth to Grayson, annoyed at his frozen frame. Even a man without a heart would recognize now is not the time for an interruption.
I’m two seconds from throwing Grayson out of the hall by the scruff of his collar when he says, “It’s important.”
I give him a look as if to sayand this isn’t?My girl is crying directly in front of me, and she’s not in my arms. You can’t get any more imperative than this.
My jaw clenches when Grayson murmurs, “It’sreallyimportant.”
My retaliation snags halfway up my throat when Regan says, “It’s fine, Alex. Go.”
I shake my head. “No. It’snotfine. He can wait.”
