When I return my focus to the documents in front of me, realizing now is not the time for pathetic, childish responses, Alex slides them across his desk. His abruptness is aggressive, but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t love it.
With his hand under my chin and his eyes locked on mine, Alex coerces my attention back to him. “Interrupt what exactly?”
I shrug. “You know. You just seemed cozy, that’s all. She really adores you, Alex.”
“She does, but that’s no reason for you not to be introduced.” His oceanic eyes bounce between mine before he asks, “What’s the real reason you didn’t come over?”
“It was nothing. You were busy—”
“Rae. . .”
Alex’s growl is pulse-quickening and delicious, ending any hope of me lying to him. “I didn’t want you to feel as though you have to choose between them and me, so I made the decision for you.”
“Rae. . .” This growl is softer than his first, more reserved. . .or is it pleased? “As much as I wish it were different, I’m not Addison and Isla’s father. I cannot replace Dane in their lives. I can support them and care for them, but I willneverfill his shoes.” He stares straight at me, ensuring I can see the honesty in his eyes. “I don’t want to fill his shoes. Dane was my best friend, but I have my own dreams I want to conquer.” My heart stops beating when he announces, “Dreams that include you. You should have never made the decision for me, Rae, because there was never a choice to make. You’ve always come first. You’llalwayscome first.”
My lips quiver when I begin to speak. “Even when every time you look at me, you feel guilt for the part I played in Dane’s injury that night?”
“Yes,” Alex answers without pause. “Because I know you feel the same thing when you look at me. You’d give anything to have Luca here with you, but then you realize we would have never met if he didn’t have his accident, so you’re torn.”
It feels as if a thousand knives stab into my chest when I nod. I would give anything to go back and fix the mistakes I made that night nine years ago, but if I did that, I’d have to give up Alex. I couldn’t do that any more than I wish Luca hadn’t lost his life that night. It truly makes me torn.
Alex hurt and betrayed me, but he also loved me in a way I’ve never experienced. I can’t give that up. Just the thought of not experiencing the wonder he made me feel in that extremely short week makes me ill. I’d rather live the next sixty years alone than give up those memories.
In a quick catch, pluck, slide maneuver, I end up seated in Alex’s lap. “Alex, don’t. We don’t have time—”
“Shut up, Rae.” His brutish tone shocks me as much as it did when he said the same thing to Isabelle earlier. It also makes me giddy. “For once, shut up and listen, then I’ll do the same.”
When our eyes collide, the intensity in his gaze secures my devotion, but it is the words he speaks next that wholly captivates it. “For months, we’ve put everyone else above us—our friends, our careers, our family—but not once have we put ourselves first.” His beautifully intense eyes bounce between mine as he says, “That needs to stop.”
I nod without a single thought crossing my mind—except that my conversation with Isaac earlier today proves what he is saying is true. We’ve been so caught up making sure everyone around us is happy, we’ve let our own happiness float away.
That’s not acceptable.
I said weeks ago that I deserve to be happy. I solemnly believe that. And so does Alex. He deserves it as much as me. I just really fucking hope his happiness includes me in some way.
My fears lessen when Alex murmurs, “We can’t change our past. What happened, happened, but it will continually haunt us if we let it dictate our future. I want you, Rae. I want you so fucking bad, I’d suffer through all the hurt and humiliation again if you were at the end, waiting for me.”
I should hate his words. They should make my skin clammy and my stomach hurl. Stupidly, they have the opposite effect. The sweat dotting my skin has nothing to do with sickness and everything to do with him and the look he’s giving me. And the butterflies in my stomach, they’re the same ones that forever flutter when I think of those three little words he spoke to me all those months ago.
“I love you.”
I peer up at Alex in confusion when the voice from my memories is thicker and more sentimental than I usually recall. The reason for the alteration comes to light when Alex’s brimming-with-emotion eyes lock with mine. I didn’t hear them wrong. I’m just hearing them again.
“You love me?”
Alex’s fingers flex on my hip, pleased I responded to his declaration of love this time around, but disappointed it wasn’t with the words he was hoping for.
Although concerned, he mutters, “Yes.”
My pulse beeps in my neck when I childishly ask, “Still?”
His smile changes from worried to genuine as he murmurs, “Yes. It will never die, Rae. It is forever and ever.” He saves my lip from being mauled by my teeth. “Does that scare you?”
I try to leave him hanging, but my overflowing heart has my head shaking before my brain can shut down its eagerness. “Not as much as it should.”
“Why does that sound like you need convincing?” The quick change of his tone from loving to dominant doubles my heart rate, and don’t even get me started on the growth in his pants. “Do you need convincing, Rae?”
My libido screams at me to say “yes,” but my heart is taking charge tonight. A fire ignites in Alex’s eyes when I shake my head, but the thickness in his pants remains even with me rejecting him. I’m not surprised. I can feel the lust burning in my eyes, so I can imagine what he’s seeing. If it’s as blinding as it feels, I’m seriously worried I’ve caused permanent damage to his vision.
