“Of course not. But nothing has changed.”
“Yes, it has,” he implored. “I don’t care anymore what people think. I want to be with you.”
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. “Coop, you deserve someone who can fully give themselves to you, and I’m just not there yet. I have a lot of stuff to work through. Maybe one day, I’ll be that person, but I can’t be right now.”
“Ford ...” He reached for my hand, but I pulled away.
“I’m sorry,” I said, then rushed out of his apartment without the jersey he’d given me.
Once again, I was leaving Coop with my heart in a million pieces.
7
COOP
Ford was right;nothing had changed. I was still in a position where I believed anyone besides my close friends finding out I was gay was detrimental to my life and my career. But as I thought about Butcher being bi, Baylor being gay, and also Jonah not coming out, I wondered if more pro athletes were living in the closet.
Maybe there were, and in the end, my coming out would have little impact on my career. I wasn’t naive enough to believe there wouldn’t be any issues, because I knew there were guys in the league who wouldn’t be okay with my sexuality. Fucking sucked, but I was tired.
Tired of hiding.
After Ford left my place, I got up to lock the door, only to realize the jersey I’d given him was still on the back of the couch. Was this really the end? Was it time for us to finally move on and stop going back and forth, which only led to heartache?
Even though I realized I could have a secret relationship while continuing to play hockey because I’d done so with Baylor, I also had to respect Ford’s wishes, and it was clear he didn’t want to be with me right now, and who knew if that would change. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn’t been the one who had pushed him away when he was working in London. But things were different then, when thousands of miles and a fucking ocean gaped between us. Now only a fifteen-minute drive separated us.
I guess some things had changed.
Snatching the jersey, I returned to my bedroom and hung it up in the closet. I really thought we were going to make a go of things again and I was sad to realize I was wrong. It was at that moment I vowed to myself that I was going to stop the cycle and be happy. Maybe Ford and I would try again after he worked out his demons, but I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him. I’d done the Chrome thing once before, where I had gone to the nightclub and hooked up with a stranger, but I didn’t want to find someone just for the night. It felt shitty watching Ford leave after we fooled around, and I didn’t want that.
I wanted more.
My phone chimed with a notification and when I picked it up, it was as though the dating gods had looked down on me and smiled. I’d clicked with someone on The Click.
Crawling into bed, I propped myself up on my headboard and tapped the notification on the screen. It opened the app and went straight to the message I’d received.
MakeMeCum: Twinkle twinkle little star, let’s have sex in my car
I stared at the message. Was this for real? Was this what people did on dating apps? I could have easily closed out of the app and ignored the message, but since it had just come through, I figured the person was online.
So, I responded:
StickWhisperer95: Up above the world so high, I think I’d rather fucking die
I sent the middle finger emoji for effect.
MakeMeCum: That’s a good one. I’m Travis btw
StickWhisperer95: Does that pickup line really work?
MakeMeCum: Nah but it’s a good icebreaker for this shit
StickWhisperer95: Ever thought of just saying hi?
MakeMeCum: What fun is that? If I were to see you in a bar, I’d say the same thing
StickWhisperer95: I’d punch you in the face
I actually wasn’t much of a fighter. Not on the ice and never off of it, but this prick was rubbing me the wrong way. Plus, we were online and he didn’t know who I was, and I had no desire to ever meet this asshole.
