“Of course I did,” I replied, a tear slipping down my cheek. “There was no way I would leave you alone right now.”
I quickly wiped it away as I watched them put Ford onto the stretcher, then followed as they took him down to street level. He had passed out again, but I squeezed his hand as they loaded him into the ambulance.
“Sorry, we can’t let you ride with him. Safer if you meet us at the hospital.”
The thought of him being taken away and me not knowing if he was still alive caused a pit to form in my stomach. I wanted to be by his side, but I understood. I helplessly watched as they closed the doors and drove away, leaving me alone on the sidewalk.
After running back up to his place, I grabbed my phone, as well as Ford’s wallet and keys. Then I locked his apartment and called a rideshare.
As I waited for the car, I replayed the moments in my mind from when I’d heard his tired voice in my head until I watched the ambulance drive away. A different, more personal kind of burden had replaced the weight of the game loss. Ford’s well-being overshadowed everything, and I couldn’t shake the worriedness I felt when thinking about what could have happened if I hadn’t arrived in time.
When the rideshare pulled up, I climbed in and confirmed that he needed to take me to the hospital. As we drove through the streets, my thoughts were consumed by fear for Ford’s safety and regret for not reaching out sooner. The uncertainty of what awaited me at the hospital gnawed at me, amplifying the ache in my chest. What if I was too late? What if the doctors and nurses couldn’t help him and he never woke up?
My phone buzzed, and Hayden’s name flashed on the screen. I hesitated for a moment before answering, fully aware of his feelings about Ford. However, he was my friend, so I answered the call.
“Hey,” I sighed.
“Hey … Everything okay?” he asked.
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m on my way to St. Andrew’s.”
He gasped. “Are you hurt?”
“No.” I lowered my voice and glanced out the side window. “I think Ford overdosed accidentally.”
Silence lingered on the other end of the line before Hayden spoke again. “Will he be okay?”
“I don’t know. He took some sleeping pills after he had been drinking. I found out after my game and rushed over,” I explained.
Hayden sighed. “Damn, Coop. I know we’re not exactly on great terms with Ford, but if you need anything, let me know.”
I appreciated his offer of support, especially knowing how much he disliked Ford. “Thanks. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I need to be there for him. I don’t even know his parents or who to call.”
With no hesitation, Hayden replied, “I’m on my way. I’ll help you any way I can.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know, but I want to. Can I bring you anything?”
“No. It will be nice to just have you there.”
“See you soon.”
I ended the call, feeling a mixture of gratitude and apprehension. Hayden and his now fiancé, Tyler, had once made it clear how they felt about Ford, but even to this day, I didn’t think we knew the same person. Ford was nothing like what they accused him of being.
As I got closer to the hospital, I thought about how the hockey world I lived in demanded secrecy because of the stigma around gay athletes. The hockey world had forced me into a life of carefully guarded truths, but as I thought about someone else I cared about possibly dying without being their true self, I questioned the cost of hiding. Jonah had gone to his grave hiding his sexuality and I didn’t want that to be me.
The realization that tomorrow was unknown hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought about the missed opportunities with men I found attractive and never approached, and the happiness sacrificed for my career. It was eating away at me again. What would it be like to live openly and embrace who I truly was?
Yet, the hockey world loomed in my head once again. I was still the kid who wanted to be on the ice all the time. I was still the guy who loved the notoriety of being the high school and college star. I was still the guy who was grateful I got to live out my dream and play a game for a living, but the fear of judgment, discrimination, and the potential impact on my career bothered me.
The hospital’s glowing sign appeared a block down, interrupting my internal struggle. When the driver pulled up to the emergency department a minute later, I thanked him and rushed inside. After telling the person at the desk I was there for Ford Mahoney, I took a seat in the waiting area, and the minutes stretched out as I anxiously awaited any updates on his condition.
As I scrolled the ESPN app to see that the Rangers had won, Hayden walked into the waiting room, scanning the area until his eyes found me in a corner away from everyone. His expression showed genuine concern as he approached. I stood, and we hugged.
“Hey. Heard anything?” he asked.
“No.” I shook my head.
