“Felix.” I set the inhaler on the counter and watched him go to the stove.
He didn’t turn around.
I swore and unbuttoned my jacket. “Your voice is like honey,” I started, busying myself. “Smooth and sweet, like liquid gold.”
He glanced back at me.
I set the shoulders of my coat over the back of the stool. “But when you spoke to me today… it was the color of… of nothingness. It was like every little beat and melody and note that comprises who you are had become a series of rests.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“A rest in music is just silence.” I stared at him. “And I can’t see the color of silence.”
Felix looked away, giving the floor his undivided attention.
“Please don’t do this. Whatever I may have done—”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“Then why do I feel like you’ve put an end to possibly the best relationship either of us has ever had?”
Felix let out a shaky breath. “Because my life is fucking repeating itself, and I’m sorry, but I can’t go through that again.”
I narrowed my eyes. “The house fire?”
Felix set two mugs down on the counter a bit more forcefully than necessary. “Ten years ago, someone set my house on fire with the intention of killing my family. It was a hate crime,butten years ago, hate crime legislation didn’t protect gay people.” He opened a cupboard and dug out a box of tea bags. “My husband and I had problems, but the final straw was what I looked like after the fire. I had third-degree burns over a third of my body. I needed surgeries and skin grafts…. I had to teach myself how to use my hand again. There’s so much nerve damage, I can’t feel half of what I do.”
He turned after a moment and put the mugs on the island between us.
“My Christmas that year was hate and pain and abandonment. I don’t… do so well around the holidays, and now….” He swallowed, and I watched the tears well up in Felix’s eyes. “It’s happening again. Like a curse that is following me no matter where I go.” He shook his head and cleared his throat. “I won’t survive that again. And, if that means—”
“Breaking up with a guy who’d never treat you the way Eric did, so be it?” I finished for him.
Felix stared at me. “I know it’s irrational, but I’m afraid,” he finally admitted, and the tears started to roll down his cheeks. “I’m afraid for my livelihood and my personal safety. I’m afraid this will escalate and someone will try to hurt Alan. I’m afraid because there’s nothing for the police to go on to catch who did this. And I’m fucking afraid that keeping you is going to ruin your life alongside mine!”
I left the stool and walked around to join Felix. I pushed the tea out of the way and patted the countertop. “Sit.”
Felix looked confused but wiped his eyes on his long-sleeve shirt and hoisted himself up.
I pushed his legs apart and stood between them. I rested my hands on his thighs. “Look at me,” I said quietly.
He did.
“From the very second you smiled at me and said it was all right that I’d spilled apple cider on you, I knew.”
“Knew what?” Felix whispered.
“You were theallegro appassionatomissing in my life.”
Felix reached out and draped his arms over my shoulders before pressing his forehead down against mine. After a beat, he said, “I don’t speak Italian.” He tried not to laugh.
I failed and started laughing myself. “It’s, uh, fast-paced music played with passion.”
“I like that.” He leaned back a bit. “But why do you want to put yourself through this?”
“Because I can’t bear to see you do it alone.”
“Please don’t pity me, Bo. The reason I fell so hard for you was because youdidn’tlook at me like that.”
