But there was no stopping it. Just all at once, everything that’d been pent up for weeks—months.Fucking decades—just came out like a tidal wave.
“I’m such a hypocrite,” I continued, feeling hot tears pour down my cheeks. “Demanding Calvin be honest with me and I can’t even tell him what I’m thinking. I lie and make some smart-ass comment to hide every single insecurity I have, because if he had any idea, God knows he would have never gotten involved.”
“Sebastian,” Pop tried.
“But I can’t fucking hide it anymore. Even Neil’s noticed. I’m not as brave as I pretend to be. Last night—last night I was so scared. I wanted Calvin to come home andhold me, and I told Neil, oh no, I’m okay. Just a little itty-bitty moment of weakness!
“I’m lame in the sack. No matter how hard I try, I know I’m not sexy. I know I sound stupid and look stupid, and Calvin’s just being polite. I worered and greenyesterday. I met Calvin’s ex, and he’s stylish and handsome and—and I just love Calvinso much!” I wrapped my arms around Pop’s neck and sobbed out every single dark and bitter emotion I had in my heart. “I feel like it’s only a matter of time before our relationship ends like the rest of mine have.”
My dad ran his hand up and down my back, like he used to when I was a kid, coming home from school—bullied and alone. I’d later perfected the art of pretending like I didn’t give a shit.
Except that had been a lie. I always gave a shit.
I liked myself when I was happy and confident. I liked when the world wasn’t gray—no pun intended. I wasn’t looking to make a one-eighty in personality. I was always going to be a bit of a crotchety grump. But the self-loathing as of late? The buildup had been worse than I’d ever cared to admit. After last night’s scare and the extreme emotions of inadequacy that’d accompanied it, I wanted it to stop but felt caught up in a vicious cycle. I hated it.
Pop stepped back, gently pulled off my sunglasses, and set them aside. He took my face into both hands. “I love you so much, son. No matter how alone or hopeless or rejected I felt after your mom left, there you were to always guide me home.”
I swallowed and concentrated on breathing.
In.
Out.
Again.
“Calvin has probably let you see him at some of his darkest moments, would you agree?”
Thrashing in his sleep. Sobbing in a diner bathroom. The fearful, faraway look before being brought back to reality.
I bit my lip as it quivered, and nodded.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
Again.
“And you’ve probably held him and comforted him?”
“Y-yes.”
“Why won’t you trust him to do that for you?”
“Because it’s not the same,” I whispered. My throat hurt.
“Never compare pains, Sebastian,” Pop said. “Yours are just as real.”
Remember to breathe.
In.
Out.
Again.
Pop reached for something on the counter, then wiped my cheeks dry with a napkin. “Let him be a lighthouse when things get dark. When you have doubt and fear, tell him. What was it you call him?”
