Neil grabbed my wrist and held it firmly. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your goddamn apology! I don’t want sympathy. I—I want Calvin to answer his phone and tell me he’s okay!” I felt hollow. Like my soul had shattered from the cold after the fire inside was snuffed out of existence.
Neil turned, looked at the alleyway entrance, and then sighed. I don’t know what I was expecting from him. To tell me to buck up? Stop crying? Simply walk away from me? But he didn’t do any of those.
Instead… he hugged me.
Neil put his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into a rough and stiff embrace against his chest. I’d hugged him a lot, once upon a time. But it was different now. Neil wasn’t a lover. He was an awkward, closeted friend who simply wanted to make me feel better and didn’t know how to go about managing that.
I gripped the back of his coat as I quietly lost it for the second time.
“Do you know why I hated Calvin for so long?” he murmured, putting a hand on the back of my head.
I snorted. “God.Thisis a conversation I want to have.”
“It wasn’t because I felt stolen from. I’d lost your affection months before the two of you ever met. I was careless. I know that now.” He stroked my hair a few times. “It was because… he was never intimidated by you.”
“What?” I muttered against his thoroughly snotty and tearstained jacket.
“You’re the whole package, Sebastian. Romantic. Loyal. Brave. Calvin’s met you every step of the way. And this time last year, he was… like me. But he saw the stars in you, and he reached.” Neil pulled back. He put his cold hands on my face. “I never dared. I was—I still am—intimidated by you.”
“I’m a fucking mess,” I declared.
“You’re always a mess. Whether it’s not combing your hair for days on end, or….” He glanced down at the front of himself. “Covered in snot.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, wiping my nose with the sleeve of my coat.
“You’resmart,” Neil whispered. “Smarter than me. Smarter than Calvin. But he didn’t let that hold him back. He knew how to embrace all the wild shit you’ve got up here.” He tapped the side of my head before grabbing the collar of my coat and holding me tight. “Now it’s my turn.”
“The hell are you talking about?”
Neil reached one-handed into his coat and pulled out his badge. “See this?” He tossed it to the ground. “The Collector told me to back off.No cops. Fine. I’m not a cop.”
“Have you lost your mind?” I protested.
“Sebastian. The NYPD has no clue what’s going on.Fuck. There were guys reading CliffsNotes during the Nevermore case in order to keep up with you. We needyouif we’re going to even pretend to reach Calvin within forty-eight hours.” Neil slowly released his grip on me. “No matter what, I’ll have your back this time. I promise you that.”
I… didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do.
Neil’s career had always been the most important part of his life. It was how he defined himself. How he found self-worth when I think he otherwise had a pretty shitty opinion of himself. And to see his badge tossed to the ground was particularly shocking.
“What’re you doing, Neil?” I asked, voice very quiet.
He squared his shoulders. “I’m being the man I wish I was.” In an even rarer move, Neil smiled—lopsided, a little boyish, but always handsome. He reached out and gave my chin one of those attaboy nudges with the knuckles of his fist.
The scrape of boots crunching on ice sounded from behind Neil. He bent and retrieved his badge as Quinn rounded the entrance and walked toward us.
She pointed a finger at me as she approached. “You’re upset. I get it.”
“I—”
“But I need you to count to ten or take a shot of gin or do whatever the hell it is that’ll calm you down.” Quinn paused and made a motion with her hand to indicate Neil and me. “Because you two are my brain trust now, and every second counts.”
“What do you expect me to do?” I asked.
Quinn snapped her fingers. “Do the damn thing you always do.”
“Whatthing?” I retorted.
