“And not for money. No.Not even for power over me. She did it to save her father’s damn bookstore. To help her family. To keep their house.”
Unable to remain sitting any longer, I take to prowling the room like a caged beast.
“She is brave even when she’s frightened. She challenges me when she knows it’s dangerous. She hasn’t once fallen apart in circumstances that would break others. She has never once pleaded to be released or begged for her life.”
Oh, she’d begged at other moments, moments that, just the thought of them, make my skin prickle with desire.
“She has the gall to challenge me, Ivan.Me.” I stop, one memory banishing all the others. “She does not turn away from my scars. Or my nature.”
The old man chuckles again. “It sounds as though you have met your match, dear boy.”
He sees the truth of the matter, names what I cannot, and the fight leaves me in a rush. I sink back into the chair.
“I have.”
I do not need to name the actual feelings to admit the truth of the matter. Those two words suffice.
“But I cannot feel this way, Ivan. I’m not supposed to care for but punish those who challenge me. I’m not supposed to feel this way about anyone.”
“You mean you’re not supposed to care this much abouther,” Ivan corrects, and I know it for the truth. “You fear the power she will have over you should you pursue this, do you not? You fear the strength of those feelings.”
I will the old man not to continue. He is naming the secret fear that has kept me closed off all these years, even from Vasya and Dmitri.
“You fear what will happen should you lose her, as you and your father lost your mother.”
Pain rises in my chest, hot and sharp, and I force it and the memories back.
Ivan lets out a sigh and puts a hand on my knee. “Evgeny. Your mother knew what she was agreeing to when she married your father. When she passed, it broke your father, though he never regretted loving her. And he continued on, as would you. As would this woman, should something happen to you.”
There are no words to express the emotions welling in me, emotions that frighten me more than anything has before.
“I can see how you are coming to value her. I haven’t seen this in you before.”
Ivan’s amusement over my turmoil has turned into a kind of caring he has only begun to show in his golden years.
“Take my advice, words from an old man who is alone at the end of his life and full of regrets. Don’t push good things away. Don’t let them slip through your fingers. I know you feel you don’t deserve good, that the scars on your face and your soul keep you from them. That your life is too dangerous to allow anyone in. But take blessings when given to you, Evgeny, and let God figure the rest out in time.”
For a long time, neither of us says anything. When Ivan offers me a drink, I take it gladly. The alcohol helps quiet my mind, which is churning with too many thoughts to catch just one.
13
EVA
It’s four in the afternoon before I even register the time. I’ve been working steadily since eight with barely a break. The only one I’ve taken was when Dmitri came in to check how far along I was on my next target.
All I could say then was ‘closer,’ and not much has changed since.
Frustrated, I bury my face in my hands and scrub at my skin until it feels raw. Focusing on the sensation is better than brooding over what will happen if I fail to crack the files Evgeny wants.
Or that I’m incredibly confused by his behavior toward me ever since our wild ride in his gym.
I would think he was trying to be nice to me if I didn’t know better. Then again, maybe nice isn’t the word when we nearly fell into each other’s arms again in the library. I felt the bulge in his pants, and I responded with just as much need. The idea of feeling him pumping roughly into me again had my panties sopping. Afterward, I was so horny I almost took care of itmyself, except I knew it would be a hollow echo of what Evgeny could give me.
And I want that more than I care to admit to myself.
I push myself up with a half sigh, half groan, my joints popping and rebelling after sitting all day. I think about getting a snack, but I’m not hungry yet, and my brain needs more to do than just staring out at the ocean.
Cautiously, because I still can’t quite believe he gave me unlimited access to this incredible space, I pad across the house to Evgeny’s library.
