“When I fell from Heaven, I thought I’d never know love again, never feel the light again.I barely even remember Heaven anymore.All I recall is thiswarmth.Being in its presence, you basked in it.Until you, it was the thing I missed most.Then you came into my life and became that warmth for me.”
“My memories of you aren’t the same.I remember us fighting, bickering.Hell, in my memories, I loathe you.”
A melancholy smile tugged at his lips.“That was how it started for us.It wasn’t like I could admit my true feelings, not when Lucifer owned my free will.But once I was free, things changed between us.You started to trust me, and I could just bemyselfaround you.”
My heart twisted, but I needed to hear this.
“But then Lucifer got his hands on you, and I couldn’t—” His voice broke, his pain bleeding into the air between us.“I couldn’t lose you.In all my thousands of years of existence, nothing terrified me more than that day.I’ll never forget your screams when Lucifer”—he paused, swallowing hard—“took your wings.”
Even I shivered.
He gave a gruff laugh.“The ironic part is, if you had your memories, you’d understand why I did what I did.The only thing that mattered to either of us was keeping the other alive.That was our greatest fear—losing each other.Lucifer nearly succeeded.Sending you here, wiping your memories… it was the only way to give you a chance at life.Nothing else mattered.Not even when your father condemned me to an eternity of torture.”
I was speechless.Rathiel had never spoken so many words at once, never laid himself bare like this.And the depth of the love he described…it stripped me bare.I sucked in a shaky breath, unsure of how to respond to any of this.
My heart pounded in my chest, not from anger this time, but from the weight of his words.What he’d done—it wasn’t simple, and it wasn’t something he could fix.I understood that he thought he was protecting me.But that didn’t make everything miraculously better.
I turned over his words and considered all that he’d said.That I would have understood if I had my memories.That seemed impossible to me.The way he spoke of me, of the personheknew.Iwasn’ther.Not anymore.And I most certainly didnotunderstand.
I scrubbed my hands down my face, then dropped my arms to my side and just stared at him.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I admitted quietly.“You say you did all this out of love.And call me crazy, but a part of me wants to believe that.People do the strangest things when they’re in love.”I paused, searching for the right words.“But the rest of me has no idea what to think or how to feel or even how to react.”
I trailed off, shaking my head as I tried to piece my emotions together.Confusion churned in my gut, but the anger wasn’t as hot anymore.It had dulled, simmering beneath the surface, replaced by something more complicated.
“You took everything from me,” I said quietly, but this time there was no accusation in my voice, only the simple truth.“This person you’re describing, who loved you so much she would die for you, she doesn’t exist anymore.You erased her.And I don’t know how to get her back, or even if I want to.”
His eyes flickered with regret, but he didn’t argue.He just stood there, watching me with a haunted expression, as if he knew there was no right way to fix this.
“You say you love me, and that’s, well, confusing, but I don’t love you.I don’t know you.Not the way you know me.The Rathiel I remember was nothing more than my father’s favourite soldier.My mentor who drove me insane.In my memories, you’re just a pain in my ass.”
Pain crumpled his face.I didn’t say this to hurt him—I said it to make him understand.
He took a tentative step toward me, his voice low and rough.“If I could undo it, I would.”
No, he wouldn’t.I knew him well enough to know that he’d do it all over again if he thought he was doing the right thing.
I studied him, then said, “I think I understand why you did this.But I don’t think I can forgive you for it.Nor do I know how to move forward from this.”
He swallowed.“I understand.”
“I need some time and space to think.To really digest everything.”
He gave a small nod.
“I’m, uh, going to go to bed,” I said.“It’s late.I’m exhausted.And I have an early shift in the morning.”
“Of course,” Rathiel murmured.
I started for my bedroom, eager to get away from him and give myself some space.As I walked past him, Rathiel’s hand gently caught mine.His touch was soft, tentative, but enough to stop me in my tracks.I froze as he lifted my hand and pressed it against his chest, right over his heart.
“I have one more thing to say,” he started.“I know you feel like the person you were is gone.And maybe you’re right.Maybe that version of you doesn’t exist anymore.But you’re still you.You’re still fierce.Still loyal.Still the person who would fight to protect the people she cares about.That’s who I fell in love with.And I know she’s still here.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but the words stuck in my throat.His hand remained on mine, cradling it against his chest, as if anchoring both of us together.
“I understand why you can’t see it,” he continued, his gaze never leaving mine.“You’ve been through hell—literally.You’re angry, and you have every right to be.But this, us, we didn’t start as some grand love story.It started with me being your mentor and driving you insane, as you said.I was just a soldier in your father’s army back then.Captain Bootlicker, as you so fondly dubbed me.But eventually you started to see past that, and we grew into something so much more.It can happen again, if you’ll let it.”
My chest tightened, a flood of emotions rushing through me.I didn’t know whether to scream, cry, or run away.His words were too much, too raw, too honest.
