He silently watched me.
I took a shaky breath, the words spilling out before I could stop them.“I’m just…broken.A useless, wingless angel who can’t even get her own life together.How am I supposed to fight for anything when I don’t even know who I am anymore?”My voice cracked.“Am I even still an angel?”
“Don’t do that,” Rathiel said, his eyes narrowing.“Don’t reduce yourself to that.You’re not broken, and you’re not useless.You fought, Lily.You fought harder than anyone.Yes, the rebellion failed, but that doesn’t mean youlost.”He took a step closer, his voice gaining strength.“You survived.You survived your father and you’re still here.That’s a win in my books.”
I shook my head, unwilling to let his words soothe me.“Surviving isn’t enough.I was supposed to do more than that.I was supposed to make a difference.”
“You have,” Rathiel said firmly.“You’re making one right now.Zera and Tavira are dead, and you fought off Gremory.You’re still fighting, even if you don’t realize it.”
“I’m tired, Rathiel,” I whispered, my voice barely audible.“I’m tired of all of this.Of pretending that I have control over anything.”
Rathiel’s expression shifted to sympathy.He closed the distance between us and wrapped me in his arms.Any other day, I might have pushed him away, distanced myself from him, but today, I needed this.Needed him and the comfort he offered.
“I know,” he said.“It’s been a long battle.And even though you don’t remember it, you’ve suffered more than anyone ever should.But I know you.You’ll keep fighting because that’s who you are.”His body shook with a soft laugh.“You don’t know how to do anything else.So, take the time to feel this loss and to process it.And when you’re ready, you’ll pick up the pieces and put your life back together.Because you don’t know any other way to be.”
I opened my mouth to argue, to push back against everything he was saying, but the words wouldn’t come.Instead, a cold, exhausted emptiness settled over me.Rathiel was wrong.Or maybe he wasn’t.I didn’t know anymore.My mind wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders right now.
“I’m scared,” I admitted, the words spilling out before I could stop them.“I’m scared of what I’ll become if I keep going.What if I’m not strong enough?Or worse, what if I end up just likehim?Tavira—she said something.”I didn’t repeat her words about me finally showing I was Lucifer’s daughter.“Something that hit a little too close to home.”
Rathiel’s expression softened, the fire in his eyes dimming as he stepped even closer.“You’re not your father,” he said, his voice quiet but filled with conviction.“You’re nothing like him, Lily.You never were.You never will be.And this right here proves that to me.Your father would never grieve the loss of a human life.I don’t think he even grieved when he killed your mother.He’s incapable of such emotions.You aren’t.”
There was truth to his words, but it didn’t stop the fear from creeping in.What if I was more like Lucifer than I wanted to admit?What if the darkness inside me was growing, festering, waiting to take over?I thought back to the fight, when I burned Zera alive, and the intense satisfaction that swept through me.It terrified me.I’d never relished causing someone intense pain like that before.But her, I’d burn again and again.For all eternity, if I could.That wasdark.
“I don’t know if I believe that,” I whispered.
Rathiel reached out and gently took my hands again, pulling me closer, his gaze never leaving mine.“Then believe me.Believeinme.I’ve known you your whole life, and I know who you are.Yes, there’s darkness in you.But there’s also light.So much light.And no matter what happens, you’re going to keep fighting.You won’t become like him because you won’t let yourself.”
I wanted to believe him.I wanted to cling to his words and let them wash away all this guilt and pain.But it wasn’t that simple.It was never that simple.
“And if I fail again?”I whispered, voicing another of my fears.
“Then I’ll still be there,” he told me.“I wasn’t lying when I said I love you, Lily.Nothing will ever change that.I’ve seen you at your best and your worst.And I love the whole package.”
His proclamation didn’t make me feel any better.If anything, it made me feel worse.
Shaking my head, I pulled away from him.“I can’t deal with this right now,” I finally muttered, dragging a hand through my hair.“I need some space.”
Rathiel’s gaze softened, but he didn’t press.“Okay.”
I met his gaze, my stomach twisting when I found nothing but unconditional love there.I didn’t deserve it.“I need to sleep,” I stated suddenly.What I needed was to be alone.“I’ll figure out my next step tomorrow.”
“Sure,” he agreed.
I gave a tired nod, the heaviness in my chest still there but dulled.“Alright.”
Without another word, I made my way to the bedroom.
Before I stepped through the door, I glanced over my shoulder at Rathiel.“Don’t hover.I’ll be fine.”
“I’ll try not to,” he said, his lips quirking in the faintest hint of amusement.“But no promises.”
I shook my head, a half-smirk pulling at my own lips despite the ache in my chest.I turned and closed the door behind me, then leaned against it.The weight of everything wasn’t going to disappear overnight, but maybe, just maybe, I’d find the strength to face it all tomorrow.
* * *
The soft humof the television filled the quiet apartment, the only sound breaking through the stillness of the early morning.I stood in the middle of the living room, arms crossed, and stared at the screen.My body felt heavy, stiff, like the weight of everything from yesterday afternoon still clung to me, refusing to let go.
The news report blurred on the screen, but I couldn’t turn away.They were talking about the alley.About Jack.
